6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal

According to a survey by YourTango Experts, 89% of the interviewed recognize that half or more of all people are experiencing toxic relationships in their lives.

A toxic relationship is any relationship [between people who] don't support each other, where there's conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there's competition, where there's disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness." - Dr. Lillian Glass

Some habits are so deeply rooted in our culture we don't even realize they are poisonous for ourselves and the people around us. We do what we think it's best for our relationship without recognizing we are doing something wrong.

Nobody ever taught us to differently. Right?

We've been raised following our parents' example, which might not have been the healthiest ones, and maybe they didn't know that.

Perhaps you have experienced a toxic relationship in the past. The signals were so clear you couldn't miss them. But now?

Now you might be wondering if some of the practices you do with your current partner are good for your bond or if they are toxic habits in disguise.

We must understand that some habits we think are normal are instead harmful. We should avoid them for a better and healthier long-term relationship.

Keeping Score

"Do you remember that time you embarrassed me in front of my parents ten years ago? Try not to do it again this time."

Do you, your partner, or both keep track of who did what in the past so you can feel less guilty when you do something wrong in the present?

Justifying your wrongdoing by bringing up past events and using them against your partner so they can feel guilty for something done in the past can quickly turn into a toxic habit.

You and your partner will end up in stressful situations where you keep wasting precious time pointing the finger at each other.

Instead, you should be dealing with the single problem once and move on.

In her article about keeping track of each partner's duties on Psychology Today, Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D., says, "Couples who constantly keep score, measuring deviations from expected performance, set themselves up for a host of bad feelings and unpleasant exchanges."

What to do about it

If it's a one time mistake, deal with it and move on. Holding grudges against your partner for a past situation isn't healthy.

It won't help you build a strong and long-lasting relationship.

Forgiveness brings many benefits like stress and anxiety reduction, improves self-esteem, and lowers blood pressure.

When you chose to be with your partner, you also accepted their past actions and behavior.

But, if you or your partner keep repeating the same action that bothers or hurts the other one, it's time to face the problem and find a solution to it.

Buying the solution to relationship problems

Gifts aren't always expressions of appreciation. Sometimes they are a fast way to buy a break between relationship's problems you don't want to face.

Partners who use this behavior don't want to be held accountable for their mistakes. They use presents as an easy way out.

Imagine, for example, your partner lied to you about an important matter over and over again.

Instead of admitting the lie and working on being honest with you, he buys you a new phone or takes you out to your favorite restaurant.

Who will say no to a romantic dinner in a lovely place?

By accepting the gift, you are implicitly saying to your partner he's allowed to lie to you again. No matter the lie, you will forgive him if he brings you a gift.

You will end up with a lot of presents and a pile of unsolved problems. Not only will these problems keep coming back, but buying the solution to relationship problems with gifts sets an unhealthy precedent.

Researches have also shown that materialistic couples struggle the most.

What to do about it

Talk with your partner. Communication should always be the first step to take toward the resolution of a problem.

Hiding the issue under the rug or a ton of gifts won't solve it.

The problem will come back later on way much bigger. At some point, no reward will save your relationship to its end.

Blaming your partner for your emotions

Who doesn't have a bad day every now and then?

One of those days when everything seems to go wrong and nothing you do to fix a problem works.

The situation can't worsen until you get home and expect your partner to empathize with you, but it doesn't happen. Your partner has other plans, and his life keeps going no matter how you feel.

How is that possible? Shouldn't your partner do everything in his power to make you feel better? The harsh truth? No, your partner isn't responsible for your emotions!

As Assael Romanelli Ph.D. says in his article on Psychology Today, if your partner believes your feelings are his responsibility, he will be reactive. His reactivity translates into an anxious state where he's always trying to cheer you up and make amends for something he hasn't done.

Your partner isn't responsible for your emotions, and neither are you for his. The continuous sharing of feelings can crack personal boundaries and establish codependent tendencies.

And when a partner can't satisfy the other's needs, resentment grows.

What to do about it

Start taking responsibility for your own emotions and talk to your partner to make sure he does the same.

Nobody likes being in a bad mood, and we can't always control the environment around us. What we can do is being in control of our reactions to events beyond our power.

You must learn to accept your feeling, embrace them and recognize what triggers them. Try to avoid situations capable of putting you in a bad mood and increase the time dedicated to activities that make you feel happy and fulfilled.

Be aware that being supportive doesn't mean taking responsibility for other's feelings.

Displaying jealousy

People often mistake jealousy for an expression of love. But jealousy is just another toxic attitude.

In her article on Psychology Today, Dr. Gwendolyn Seidman, a psychology professor at Albright College, claims that jealousy can be a central relationship problem.

Jealousy seems to grow from the suspicious people's insecurity, low self-esteem, neuroticism, and possessiveness.

What to do about it

According to Dr. Seidman's article, there are some ways to cope with jealousy.

If you are a jealous partner, you should, first of all, avoid situations that are likely to stimulate false doubts.

Then, work on boosting the confidence in yourself and also share with your partner the feelings you are experiencing.

Communicating to your significant other what's going on is the best way to find a solution together.

Passive-aggressive behavior

Do you express your feeling openly to your partner? Each partner should be free and comfortable in sharing their emotions without feeling judged.

When you don't feel safe communicating your sensations, you tend to drop hints for your partner to guess what's wrong with you.

With this passive-aggressive behavior, your partner gets confused and angry with you. The result is an excuse for you to be mad at him too.

This toxic habit can ruin your relationship because you can't express clearly your thoughts as you are afraid to do it. On the other side, your partner doesn't understand what's going on and has no idea how to help you.

According to Dr. Kristen Fuller, in her interview on the Time, "Feeling like you can't talk with or voice concerns to your significant other is another sign that something is amiss."

What to do about it

In her article on Psychology Today, Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. gives a few tips on how to deal with a passive-aggressive person. The first step is to stop blaming yourself since you're not responsible for how a passive-aggressive person shows their anger. Then, stop apologizing for doing nothing wrong and start putting yourself first.

Lastly, face your partner and make sure consequences will follow if he doesn't stop hurting you. Give it a couple of tries before throwing the towel, and remember, don't lose your patience and up playing the game.

If you are dropping passive-aggressive hints, start talking with your partner openly about your feelings, even if you are afraid to do so.

Talking about your emotions might be uncomfortable if you're not used to it.

Your partner will find it easier to know what to do if he knows what's going on with you instead of figuring it out following questionable hints.

Holding the relationship hostage

A partner can hold the relationship hostage when he has a complaint or simple criticism. Instead of saying it out loud, he blackmails the other partner and threatens the relationship's commitment.

According to a Healthline article, emotional blackmailing is a form of manipulation where someone uses your emotions to control your behavior or make you see things their way.

Emotional blackmailing is a toxic habit because it creates a lot of unnecessary drama for every small problem. Drama that should be avoided for the sake of the relationship.

In her book "Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You." (1997), Dr. Susan Forward, describes the six phases of emotional blackmailing.

Both partners should be aware that they can communicate negative feelings to one another without threatening the relationship itself. If both people repress their authentic thoughts and emotions, they can end up creating a situation of distrust and manipulation.

What to do about it

It's ok to be angry at your partner from time to time. We are humans; what others do might upset us.

What you should understand is the difference between commitment and liking your partner.

You can be committed to your partner and still don't like everything about them. Or you can be devoted and be annoyed at what they seldom do.

Partners who want to strengthen their commitment in the long term must criticize each other constructively. They don't threaten or blackmail each other but talk about what they don't like and try to make the relationship work.

As stated in her interview on HuffPost, licensed marriage and family therapist Darlene Lancer advice to resolutely declare a boundary by telling the blackmailer to stop. Rarely do the threats come true; they're more likely to be a way to get attention.

Takeaway

Toxic habits can tear relationships apart. If you feel your relationship is affected by one or more of the patterns listed above, talk with your partner.

Exchange views politely and openly is the first thing to do.

Maybe you and your significant other haven't realized you are doing something unhealthy for your relationship. Or you have noticed it but were afraid of pointing it out. It's time to face the truth and see if your relationship is worth saving.

According to a survey commissioned by TransferWise and performed by YouGov on 2,031 British adults, 61% of the interviewed are so used to compromising they won't quit their current relationship.

Don't make your relationship be one of that 61%.

Toxic relationship habits protracted for too long can have harmful effects on you and your partner.

Recognizing the signs of a toxic relationship can give you the strength to get out of it.