6 Things I Wish Someone Told Me About Dating As a Hyper Sensitive Person

My 10th standard friend wrote this in my slam book — “Rashmi, you are a very very sensitive person, take care”.

I am skipping two extra “very” there. Credits to him, that’s one of the truest thing someone has ever said — I am a Hyper Sensitive Person.

Sensitivity is a beautiful place to be in, for starters my gratitude list can hit 50 easily on a good day — “oh, I love the sunrays reflecting off my pup’s coat”, creative activities are meditation for me. I have been called a dreamy, over enthusiatic or seen as a fascinating specimen (“weirdo”).

With matters of heart its a different story.

It does not help when you are mind is coming up 1000 possible outcomes based on your date’s mild change in tone and a WhatsApp text left on read is end of the world not just your chance at love.

Dating & Relationships has been a roller coaster of tears, blocking, uninstalling dating apps and getting back at it again, meeting folks, making memories, having hopes high only to be disappointed and restarting it all over again.

Through all this I understood the crucial part — to be myself.

Not to sound naive, but my definition of relationships so far had been sacrificing my time, boundaries for the sake of other person and trying to hide the “craziness” and be a normal so I don’t scare anyone off.

Not anymore.

Who is a Hyper Sensitive Person (HSP)?

Its a personality trait like an introvert.

Infact, HSPs often confuse themselves with introverts or empaths. The fact is HSPs can be an empath and introvert also. I identify myself as an ambiverted HSP. Julia Farga, in healthline, describes being HSP like this:

“Throughout my life, I’ve been deeply affected by bright lights, strong scents, itchy clothing, and loud noises. At times, it seems like I can intuit another person’s feelings, picking up on their sadness, anger, or loneliness before they’ve said a word.”

Being a sponge to emotions of people around me and still having to explain my stand is a skill in itself. It drains me.

Dating requires vulnerability and openness. But being a HSP, a lot of inner work, a fulfilling life of your own coupled with support from understanding friends goes a long way.

#1 The truth can kill you but say it anyway

Know thyself and stand by it.

In my rush to impress my date, I tend to blurt out things I never mean.

As human beings, we crave acceptance but for a HSP its precious— Something I have never been given easily in life. The fear of losing it, led me to make promises I never meant, dating folks I never vibed with and telling them I don’t believe in relationships. Big lie.

I f****ng believe in true love and a real relationship. Many a hearbreaks made me realise this.

Saying the opposite just to sound cool and project an image of a relaxed person is self-sabotage.

Taking a deep breath and telling exactly what you want (despite the fear of ridicule) will ensure you are standing up for yourself. For your sensitive self, that is real acceptance.

I say this mantra to whenever I have to speak up in a situation with a possibility of conflict—

“In this world, only you can speak up for yourself. Say it.”

#2 Your me time is sacred and self-dates are a necessity

HSPs need time to recharge more than anyone.

Dealing with high range of emotions drain them out and it’s essential to take time out and maintain a rigid self care routine. For me meditation, journaling, exercise, indulging in creative works, taking regular walk helps a lot. I am doing morning pages for almost a month and I have a lot more clarity and a sense of presence.

I also learnt about mindfulness and currently practicing being present.

I love exploring the city and celebrating my me time which is my survival kit basically. I have written about my self date experiences here:

5 Truths I Want You To Know About Dating Yourself

You will Learn a Lot of Lessons When You Take Responsibility for Your Happiness.

#3 Boundaries are your lifelines. Never let anyone breach them including yourself

No one demanding you breach your boundaries is ever worth your time. Period.

HSPs tend to ignore boundaries when our decisions are based on fear or seeking approval. If certain topics or environments make you uncomfortable, identify it and discuss them. It may seem to you that your boring the other person with trivial details but it’s good for you.

If your date wants to call you late night for a chat and you need to get up early next day for your workout, telling a no is not relationship ending or earns you a negative mark.

Fill your cup prioritizing your health, self-compassion and then you become to ready to give yourself to others.

#4 Wait for the right person, don’t settle for the first one who seems to like you

There are amazing people out there. Yes, emotionally available too.

People who share their time with you, respect you while understanding your personality. You don’t have to say a quick yes to the first guy despite him giving all mixed vibes to you. Trusting their energy is something HSPs struggle to come interms with.

Being empathetic, they tend to decide something is wrong with themselves instead of the other person when their energy had been right all along.

#5 Beware of the “fixers” and don’t let your urge to be supportive deter your relationships

Lot of people would love to see HSPs people as a problem to solve.

HSPs also attract the “energy vampires” more than others.

Consider your energy reserve is precious and remember relationships are not a project work.

With one date, I ended up having constant arguments and he would end the conversation by handing out advices to “how not to talk in an argument” to me. His intentions sounded good but I felt belittled and drained. Unknown to him (maybe) he saw me as a problem to solve.

I saved him the responsibility and walked off.

Other other side, the natural empathy would move HSPs towards offering support, and love to people they meet. Even when they do not ask for it. I do not say to be a cold-hearted person in a relationship, just be wary of not turning it into a one-sided effort.

What I learnt the hard way is I can’t win anyone with my love or kindness.

Because the idea of to win is itself wrong. People cannot change and we need to give them space to help themselves sometimes.

#6 Do not read dating advice or baseless Instagram quotes

Its counter intuitive because I am writing advice here.

Except for the basics like treating someone with respect and courtesy, these advice are not universal.

Like me, people who write these advice are writing from their experience and their own perceptions unless they are professionals.

Navigating through dating and relationship is unique and the people we meet are not all black and white. And as HSP, it’s not a good idea, to associate a person’s current behaviour to what you read up online.

HSP are great with seeing both the sides of the coin, so learn to trust your strengths — your intuition, your ability to sense someone’s vibe (energy never lies) and common sense.

Final Thoughts

Despite all the above routine, I do end up with confused thoughts and hurt feelings because there is no perfect way to be a HSP and I am human. I focus on giving my presence to my date and learning to have an open mind. Its another journey in self-discovery.

To reiterate, here are my takeways for you when you are dating as a HSP:

1. Acknowledge your fears but always tell what you are looking for in a relationship.
2. Go on self dates, cherish your routines because all these help you to recharge.
3. Respect your boundaries. Period.
4. Wait for the right person who understands you, the same way your best friends get you.
5. Be wary of people who see you as a problem. Also, refrain from turning into a supportive figure and making it a one-sided relationship.

Follow your strengths of being receptive to people’s energies, conventional advice do not appy for all.

Article first published in the Medium.