5 Warning Signs Your Relationship is Toxic

You might find a good book about how to be a good girlfriend or boyfriend. Though, who’s going to try to research dating rather than just jumping in.

And of course, as you try to figure it out on your own, you may go through a series of relationships, some good and others not-so-good or even toxic, as you search for ‘the one.’

In relationships some people idolize romance and for some, it’s about the initial chase.

A potential boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to be amazing at first, only because they’re doing what they know has worked in the past to win the affection of another.

After some time, you may start to see them for how they really are as they start to become comfortable in the relationship and some may even have toxic practices that seem normal or even healthy.

This type may objectify their partners and often see them as prizes instead of sharing mutual emotional comfort with them.

Without clear advice or examples, you’re left to figure it all out on your own, and if you’re like most people, you’re going to make mistakes.

One main problem is that numerous habits are tempered into our society, and we accept them as usual or customary.

A lot of self-help books don’t help this type of problem either and very often our parents weren’t the best role models.

What Is a Toxic Relationship?

Several of us begin dating, not knowing that many of our ideas about relationships are toxic to start with. Hence, let’s begin by getting a clear sense of what is considered a toxic relationship.

Toxic relationships result when a partner prioritizes love above the essential elements of a wholesome relationship: mutual trust, respect, and friendship.

This might seem strange to some, but love shouldn’t be the main reason to continue a relationship because it can impair judgment in critical areas. You’ve heard of rose-colored glasses: point and case.

If you prioritize love in a relationship above respect, you’ll tolerate being treated like a floormat. Also, you’ll be more tolerable of lying and cheating. In addition, you’ll tolerate your partner being cold or distant in your relationship with them.

People will tolerate a bad relationship for many reasons, typically low self-esteem, a lack of self-awareness, an inability to handle emotions, immaturity, a lack of dating experience, etc. But this is the main ingredient for shallow, psychologically harmful, and possibly even abusive relationships.

5 Warning Signs Your Relationship is Toxic

Toxic relationships have many forms. Still, there are several revealing signs of bad relationships that many people either ignore or, worse, may think are signs of a wholesome relationship.

They are a pandemic of their own infecting relationships in every culture worldwide.

Five of the most common tendencies in relationships that many people think are normal or healthy but result in harmful practices and may harm what you hold dear are listed below.

1. Buying your way out of problems

Warning sign

If a bad fight or problem occurs in your relationship, rather than solving it, you deal with it by buying something nice or going somewhere special.

I used to be an expert at this one. And, what did it get me? First, it led to a divorce and spending the next 5 years not hardly talking to each other.

Since then, we’ve both agreed that one of the problems in our marriage was always whitewashing the real issues with shallow gifts and never solving the underlying issues.

Why it’s harmful

Buying things only brushes the actual problems under the floormat but be sure they will creep out from hiding even worse next time, producing a toxic pattern in your relationship.

Although this can be true for either partner, I’ll illustrate by using the following situation.

Imagine whenever a woman gets angry at her partner, the man “solves” the problem by buying her a gift or taking her someplace really fancy.

Of course, this can give the woman an unconscious reason to find more ideas to be irritated with the guy. Still, it also provides the man with no reason to be responsible for the issues in the relationship.

So, what’s the result? A husband that feels like a bank teller and a woman that feels bitter and unheard all the time.

Positive alternative

Deal with your problems head-on. If you’ve damaged the mutual trust, then talk about how you can rebuild it.

For example, if one partner feels ignored or unappreciated, discover ways to repair the perception of appreciation.

Just remember, open and honest communication is a must!

After a fight, there’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for your partner to show remorse or reaffirm your commitment to one another. But it would help if you didn’t use gifts and fancy things to substitute dealing with the underlying emotional problems.

Gifts, fancy items, and exotic trips are considered a luxury because you only get to enjoy them when all else is already sufficient. However, if you utilize these as a cover-up to your problems, then you may find yourself with more colossal issues down the road.

2. Jealousy because of ‘love’

Warning sign

When one partner gets pissed off because the other talks to someone, calls a friend, texts an old schoolmate or colleague, hangs out with their friends, or even farts in the shared proximity of someone else and then takes their anger out on their partner to try to control their behavior.

Unfortunately, this usually leads to wild behaviors like hacking into your partner’s Facebook account, looking through their emails while they’re showering, or even following them when they go out and show up unexpectedly.

Why it’s harmful

What amazes me is that some people call this a show of affection, thinking, mistakenly, that if their partner isn’t jealous, then that somehow means they don’t love them enough.

This is absolutely batshit crazy! Rather than being loved enough, it’s just controlling and manipulative.

Also, it transmits a message of lack of trust in the other partner. Finally, it produces needless drama and disputes. In addition, it can be construed as demeaning.

If my partner can’t trust me to be around other good-looking women alone, it symbolizes that she thinks that I’m either a liar or unable to control my desires. In both cases, that’s a woman I don’t want to stay with.

Positive alternative

Fully trust your partner. It’s a fundamental idea in its nature, very true, but some jealousy is just natural.

Excessive jealousy, however, and trying to control another’s behaviors are hints that you have feelings of unworthiness. It would be best to learn to deal with them and not force them onto your partner.

If you don’t fix your jealousy issues, you’ll only push your partner away.

3. Blaming Your Partner for Your Own Emotions

Warning sign

Imagine you’re having a shitty day, and your partner isn’t compassionate or supportive, or maybe they’ve been browsing the internet all day, or they were preoccupied when you tried to spend time with them.

Perhaps you want to sprawl out on the couch together and watch something on Netflix this evening, but your partner says he already has plans to go golfing with some buddies.

As your frustration increases and your partner’s reactions continue to seem insensitive, you find yourself lashing out for being so cold and indifferent toward you.

Indeed, you never said outright that you wanted emotional support, but your partner should know to make you feel better.

In your opinion, they should’ve gotten off the computer or ditched their plans because of your miserable emotional state.

Why it’s harmful

Blaming our partners for our emotions is self-centered and a model case of poor support of individual boundaries.

If you establish a precedent that your partner is liable for how you feel — and this goes both ways, it can quickly form a codependent attachment.

Everything, even what to watch on TV, requires to be negotiated in this scenario.

If one partner starts to get upset, all individual desires fly away like a canary escaping its cage because now you need to comfort each other.

The biggest problem with codependency is that it’s a precursor to resentment.

If your partner gets mad at you because you’ve had a shitty day or if they’re frustrated or need attention, that’s totally OK.

But if it’s expected that your life always revolves around their emotional well-being, you might start to become bitter or even manipulative towards their emotions and desires.

Positive alternative

Accept responsibility for your own emotions and require your partner to be responsible for theirs also.

There’s a subtle yet essential difference between supporting your partner and being restrained by your partner.

Each sacrifice should be your decision and not because it’s expected.

When one partner in a relationship becomes liable for the other’s feelings or emotions, it gives both an excuse to hide what’s real and manipulate one another.

4. Passive-aggressive behavior

Warning sign

Rather than saying something straight up, a partner may try to push the other in their path of thinking by their own means.

Rather than saying what’s bothering them, they’ll use trivial things to piss off their partner, so they feel justified about complaining to them as a result.

Why it’s harmful

It shows that they aren’t comfortable with communicating honestly and openly.

Partners have no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel secure about expressing displeasure or uncertainty within their relationship.

Furthermore, a partner won’t need to ‘push’ if they feel like they won’t be scrutinized for being direct and honest.

Positive alternative

State your emotions and wishes openly.

Make it evident that the other person is not fundamentally liable or obligated for those emotions but that you’d prefer to have their comfort.

If they love you, they’ll most likely be able to give you that comfort.

5. Using the relationship as an ultimatum

Warning sign

When one partner has a simple objection or grievance and coerces the other partner by threatening the relationship in general.

An example of this would be if your partner feels like you’ve been distant, rather than saying, “I feel like you’re distant at times,” they might state, “I can’t be with someone that’s always being distant with me.”

Why it’s harmful

Using the relationship as an ultimatum is the equivalent of emotional blackmail and produces a shitload of needless drama.

Even the slightest hiccup in the course of the relationship appears to be a commitment crisis.

Both partners need to realize that they can communicate their feelings harmlessly without intimidating the other or the entire fate of the relationship.

Without that liberty to be up-front and honest, a couple will stifle their real feelings and emotions, generating an atmosphere of manipulation and distrust.

Positive alternative

It’s OK to get upset at your partner or dislike something about them; that’s just being human.

But recognize that committing to a person and continually liking everything about that person is not being identical. For example, you can be dedicated to someone but still dislike things about them.

Likewise, you can be committed to someone but be irritated or annoyed occasionally.

In contrast, two partners who give feedback and criticism without judging or blackmailing will reinforce their commitment to each other throughout the relationship.

How to transform a toxic relationship into something more healthy

If you recall, a toxic relationship is where love is a priority above all else, inclusive of mutual trust, respect, and friendship.

But, unfortunately, it’s not just a bump in the road because it can be recurring and form long-term patterns of hurtful behavior from both partners.

So how can you fix these patterns in your relationship?

The road from a toxic relationship to something healthier isn’t going to be easy. Honestly, most couples won’t be able to do it. There’s a slight chance, however, that you can change some things for the better.

It’ll be challenging, but if you can do these three things, you might have a chance at getting through it:

1. Both partners must acknowledge the relationship is broken and be willing to fix it

If both partners desire to repair the relationship, you must agree that problems exist and decide what to work on first.

This might be harder than it seems at first because one partner might think they aren’t trusted, so they believe that’s the issue to work on. The other partner may not have faith in the relationship because there is no love.

In addition, one partner may not be completely honest about the nature of the problem and not want to be the one to say they don’t trust the other.

Whatever it may be, you need to be crystal clear and openly honest about what’s making the relationship toxic.

2. Communicate without blaming or judging the other

Working on the main issues or even agreeing about what they are won’t get them fixed if one partner constantly blames the other.

Don’t assign fault if the goal is to transform the relationship into something healthier.

Both partners need to prioritize repairing the relationship over self-centered ambitions.

3. Both partners need to be willing to change

This might seem very basic, but if one of the partners isn’t serious about making the relationship better, then you’re beating a dead horse with a broken stick.

Otherwise, if you both genuinely desire willingness to work on it, good luck to you!

The Takeaway

Good relationships can get turned upside down.

One day, everything may appear lovey-dovey and easy-breezy. Then, the next day, shit hits the fan, and you find yourself sleeping in your car.

But again, repairing a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but most things worth doing aren’t easy in life.

Of course, you might decide to end the relationship at some point, and that’s totally OK, but if you both agree to fight for it and work on it, then it might be worth the effort you put in.

It might be worth the uncomfortable conversations.

It might even be worth the pain and suffering.