5 Vital Questions to Ask Yourself Before Winning any Argument

I bet you enjoy it when your point has enough weight and wins a discussion.

You silenced every opinion with your argument. It’s an assuring feeling.

I noticed sometimes coming across the wrong way and hurting people who are discussing it with me. Hurt is never my intention.

Yet, it happens.

I feel like debates shouldn’t be a mud battle. Discussion is not a sport. Every time we engage in an argument it should build the knowledge and understanding of both sides.

Studies have concluded that our logic doesn't depend on reasoning only. It also includes a strong emotional drive.

The fact that we are emotionally attached to the argument we have, we tend to be passionate about defending it.

That’s why it can become a battle where opponents start to throw mud at each other.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Here’s some question you can ask yourself before the heat of discussion.

Do You Really Listen to Your Opponent?

“The best way to persuade people is with your ears — by listening to them.”

— Dean Rusk

We often forget the power of listening. When someone speaks we don’t listen. We hear words and only wait for our turn to speak.

Only by listening we understand. Understanding is vital in order to give a good answer. When you know what your opponent is truly saying you get to grip the steering wheel much stronger. That allows you to lead conversation instead of being just a punching bag.

Listen to understand what someone else is saying. It’s not a break time for your tongue, but a time to grasp the logic of another person.

If you cannot summarise the opposing logic to your argument you will not be able to successfully defend it.

What Is the Intention of Your Opponent?

There are reasons why one tries to prove his point. By closely listening we can understand not only what is being said but also why.

When you take a hold of the intention your opponent has, you get the ability to disassemble the argument.

As Michael Bolton says:

“It’s understanding the intention of a composer that allows a producer and an arranger to make those moments speak.”

The intention is the heart of anything a human being does. When a producer knows what is the heart of the composer he can highlight the right points. This allows a music piece to represent the intention of the composer.

The intention is like a root. If you want to fertilize or kill a plant you must go after the root.

In the same way, understanding the intention behind the words rises you above the game. You know why the argument was stated and you can predict the future moves of your opponent.

What Do You Want Your Opponent to Remember about You?

Foolish. Disrespectful. Angry.

That’s probably not the impression you want to leave for someone that disagreed with you.

Neither do I.

Discussion is a challenge to the way you see the world. Nobody wants to feel like the carpet has been pulled from under the feet. That’s why we defend ourselves and our opinion.

The pressure allows the real person to come out. It uncovers insecurities and fears.

Don’t forget that nobody can hurt you if you don’t allow them to.

Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist who survived through a concentration camp. He once said that,

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

No matter the difficulties Victor Frankl was going through in the concentration camp he didn’t give up his dignity.

In the same way, you can choose your attitude in a discussion. You can decide that nobody will get the reaction they desire.

Try to build respect with your opponent by sincerely trying to understand his point of view. Taking someone else seriously goes much further than just being polite.

Leave your opponent thinking about you as an intelligent person. Not only in knowledge but also in emotions.

Are You Undoubtedly Right?

“We are none of us infallible not even the youngest of us.”

—William Hepworth Thompson

I like this quote because it emphasizes that not even the youngest are infallible.

In my teenage years, I thought I know how life works. I thought my parents are behind and don’t understand much of the current generation. After some years I realized that I was completely wrong.

I’m very grateful now to my parents for all their hard work and investment in me while I was growing up.

Back then, I thought I was right. Yet, it wasn’t true by any stretch.

When you have a debate on an issue, it’s healthy to have an open mind. Have your opinion, but also allow someone to challenge it. Maybe there’s something you haven’t considered?

When both sides of opposing opinions know they could be wrong they both will arrive closer to the truth.

What Is More Important: Opinion or the Person?

There was a time I got into an argument with my friend over the lyrics of a song. I was sure it ended with “… for you”, but she insisted that it’s “…with you.”

I didn’t think it was important enough to have it one way or another because it didn’t change the meaning dramatically. I decided to go with my friend’s version.

After a couple of days, I stumbled upon the song in my playlist. Guess what?

I was right!

My desire to prove who was right all along was like a thirst for revenge. I couldn’t wait to expose the error and show how awesome I was!

Then a thought came to my mind, “What will I win in the end?”

Nothing good. I’ll show that I seek to be the right one, the one who’s opinion truly matters and who needs to be listened and obeyed every time.

After some thought about it, I decided to leave it as it is. The friendship was much more important to me than a word in a song. It wouldn’t have broken our relationship but it wouldn’t have built it either.

As Theodore Roosevelt famously said,

“Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

In discussing with someone argue your point not to serve your ego, but as a sign of care.

When the person who is discussing with you sees your care there will be no more walls of defense.

Take-Away

Discussions and debates are an amazing opportunity to grow in our understanding. When we fight for opinions, we never get closer to the truth.

In order to ensure a good and healthy discussion is important to ask yourself:

• Do I really listen to my opponent?
• What’s the intention of my opponent?
• What do I want my opponent to walk away with?
• Am I open to question my position if the arguments are good?
• Do I value the person above his opinion?