5 Boundaries To Set With Family.

A family by definition is a social group made up of parents and their children, people who come from the same ancestor, or a group of people living together. What does this say to an everyday teen or adult having troubles with their relationships with their parents?

F*** IT! I struggled with maintaining an emotionally balanced relationship with my parents. But things began to mend when I learned what personal boundaries were and what mine was. Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships that we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us. We can pinpoint these rules through our sense of self-worth and value. If we are comfortable and confident anyone, including parents, will be prioritized over our boundaries for our well-being. Becoming an adult, I have experienced cycles, toxicity, lack, and more in my years of becoming an adult. No one can teach you how to be an adult, not even your parents. Adulting is experience, trials, tribulations, growth, endurance, and prosperity. If your parents gave you a handwritten guide on how to adult, how trusting would you be with that? I honor my single mother's efforts and sacrifices made for my well-being. But I also acknowledged her sacrifices resulting in living vicariously through me. My inner child lens recalls coping with this by accomplishing a full spectrum of things. I often was left not fulfilled like basketball, Taekwondo, Honor roll, Student Council, Newspaper, and more. I once enjoyed these hobbies until expectations and validation requests from my mom and accompanied adults in my life drained its life force energy. I remembered getting a grip on what I wanted out of life not involving asking my mom I did things like Step team, Yearbook, Volleyball, Civil rights Initiative, AP Art, Poetry Contests e.t.c all things I had to navigate on my own, she supported I prospered in. Eventually, I came to many awakenings in my adult years that helped me realize I could only show up as my most authentic self to my mom, she would never stop seeing her baby girl through the same lens. I am building and sustaining transparency with my mother presently has transformed our relationship into something more forgiving, reciprocal, and gentle. Parental bonds are different and complicated for everyone in unique ways at least five boundaries we all could set with our parents as we enter our adult years.

I AM NOT A CHILD.

We have all experienced feeling displaced at a family gathering through words or actions. Maybe your car is a parent's personal uber or taxi you're schedule is set on certain days, you are being cut off while speaking. Whatever it may be you are an adult and it is not disrespectful to anyone to ask for respect regarding your time, presence, and energy. You should not have to operate out of fear if you are surrounded by people who declare they love you. Love feels safe, secure, gentle, and accepting if your parent cannot accept you are an adult and you now have a separate life from your upbringing, I highly suggest you consider having a productive conversation on that.

I VALUE MY OPINION.

If you have something to say speak up no need to be timid when expressing your opinion even if it's an opposing opinion. If you can not find the courage to speak up analyze with yourself what limitations have been programmed in you to make you fearful of expressing your opinion. If you are criticized or ridiculed for your opinion say I value my opinion if you don't agree, that is okay. If you want to avoid conflict say nothing. I advise this because through this process you will be able to both identify your fear and anxiety and the extent of what boundaries your loved one is willing to overstep to belittle you this will only help you in the grand planning of your life. Are people worthy of hearing your opinion if they do not value it?

I DID NOT ASK FOR ADVICE.

If you are working on a project, endeavor, possible new job or career do not allow others to discourage you. Your loved ones may not understand what you are doing because of their own limiting beliefs. When things do not seem possible to others but we see the vision it is best to keep working regardless of others' opinions. If what your doing is not harmful to you or others, not devaluing or outside of your moral code continue to prosper in that. It is easy to receive backlash from the family the challenge is transmuting the negative energy into positivity. If they do not resonate with what you are putting out into the world they do not understand it and people tend to be uncomfortable and critical of what they do not understand.

I DO NOT RESONATE

Parents usually are not open to change keeping things as they are because they fear the unknown. The pressure of not knowing if you are prepared for the world, not realizing you've been operating in the world this entire time. Your constant evolving can be triggering for them. They may mention things that generally cause you to feel small from the past. Say I remember that but it doesn't resonate it no longer has particular meaning or importance for you. Anyone should understand if you are no longer comfortable speaking or reminiscing on your unfavorable moments there is no need to continue conversating with someone who can't find good things to speak about like your current growth, career, accomplishments.

I PAY MY PHONE BILL

We probably have all experienced the cliche of our parents calling us back to back or more than once insisting that we answer the phone even if we're in the middle of a business meeting, school, or anything important. My mother personally likes to call about four times to leave a voicemail stating that she called as if I did not see the missed calls, she loves to text me back to back with old photos, tic talks, and encouraging messages when she has time yet she seldom sees my texts when it's significant. Although humorous at times, I set boundaries by not answering at radical times, kindly asking her to call me before 10 pm when I receive crazy tic toks I watch them when I'm ready I do this because I don't want to feed her habit of attention-seeking or use of easy access to me. Make yourself inaccessible to anyone who does not respect your space and time.

Family is not an excuse to be tolerable of toxicity. Family is your original foundation and support system steer clear of letting it become something that does not serve you.

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You can also check out my recent excerpt “ Codependency made me do it ” here: