4 Types of Relationship Attachment Styles

Have you ever been in a relationship with an overly emotional person? Or someone who was too clingy or too insecure about themselves?

I’ve always been curious about people’s behaviors and wanted to figure out why they behave or act in a certain way.

As it turns out, it has to do with their attachment style.

Attachment refers to a person’s bond to their primary caregiver. It usually starts early in the womb and person’s type of attachment depends on their early interaction with their caregiver. Every person is unique and, depending on how they were raised, can develop a particular style of attachment.

There are four major types of attachments that people develop early in life and then continue into adulthood. And these are secure attachment, dismissive-avoidant, anxious-preoccupied, and fearful-avoidant.

If you’re wondering about your style of attachment, you can take a quiz here:

Not everyone falls squarely into each attachment type. People would usually have some elements from each. Also, a person’s attachment style isn’t permanent and can change over time.

So let’s talk about each type of attachment.

Secure attachment style

Children who’ve had a secure attachment with their caregiver usually develop into adults with a secure attachment style. As children, they felt secure around their parents but at the same time had a chance to be independent and explore their world. They are usually raised with an authoritative parenting style, which is a firm, yet warm and gentle parenting approach.

A person who falls within a secure attachment style typically feels confident in his or her relationship with their partner. They trust their partner and feel connected to them. They aren’t insecure and can live an independent lifestyle while being in a relationship. They also don’t mind that their partner enjoys their independence. They view a relationship as a two-way street. They are supportive of their partner and they also expect their partner to give them their support when they need it. They feel secure without being in each other’s constant company and provide enough personal space for the other.

Dismissive-avoidant attachment

A person who is dismissive-avoidant may be self-sufficient and display independent behavior. But true intimacy makes them vulnerable and so they avoid it to emotionally protect themselves.

They’re also not the type to jump into commitment and they usually put more emphasis on other priorities in life, such as work, social life, passions, fun, etc.

If you’ve been in a relationship before with someone who likes to date but avoids the commitment, you know what I’m talking about. In fact, I’ve been in one of these relationships before I married. This guy I was dating kept dragging the time and wouldn’t want to tie the knot. He was too insecure and afraid to make a commitment and settle down. I thought he was the one I’d spend the rest of my life with. I kept dating him hoping one day the miracle would happen, but instead I ended up wasting years of my life in this dead-end relationship.

Fearful-avoidant attachment style

People with fearful-avoidant attachment styles usually come from life experiences of emotional abuse and abandonment. As adults, they have a deep emotional conflict inside and so they struggle with having confidence in others.

In a relationship, they fear abandonment, both physically and emotionally. They get suspicious of other people’s intentions and question their genuine nature. They put everyone under scrutiny and struggle to accept other people into their lives. Therefore, they only have a few genuinely close relationships.

Anxious-preoccupied attachment style

You know those needy types of people who are attention seekers and constantly require love, attention, and approval. They want you to go above and beyond in making them happy. They can’t let a day go by without getting you to pay attention to them. They are people who fall within anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

When it comes to romantic relationships, these people are insecure and feel nervous being in a relationship. They fantasize that something can go severely wrong in a relationship, and in their minds, they picture scenarios that don’t exist. Being in a relationship causes them to have many issues — excessive neediness, jealousy, possessiveness, oversensitivity, and obsessiveness. Above all, they desire to be in control of their relationship.

For example, they may have doubts about their partner’s trustworthiness and suspect their partner of cheating. That’s because they have trust issues and have a tendency to think negative thoughts when interpreting their partner’s words, behaviors, and actions.

These people want to hear the word “I love you” or “I care for you” quite often. After all, they want to feel accepted and validated. And if they don’t get what they ask for, they respond negatively.

Being alone for many days in a row is something out of their comfort zone. That’s because they desire to be the centre of attention and struggle to be by themselves.

The key to a healthy relationship

It’s not to say that only people in a secure attachment style make strong partners. People with other attachment styles can also develop successful relationships if they put enough work into their relationship.

In the end, the hallmark of any successful relationship is self-awareness, openness, and mutual willingness to grow. Partners have to be willing to mutually support each other and be open to change to keep the relationship strong. If both partners, for example, lack these elements, it can create incompatibility in their relationship. In that case, their relationship won’t be long-lasting and will most likely fail.

The takeaway

There are four different attachment styles: secure attachment style, dismissive-avoidant attachment, fearful-avoidant attachment, and anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Knowing yours can help you learn more about yourself and about a person with whom you are in a relationship.

Every person is unique, and depending on the situation, can act differently. If you’re in a relationship and you know your partner’s attachment style, it can help you understand more about them. You will interpret their interaction with you in the context of their attachment style. You’ll be able to understand how their attachment style influences their behaviors and their actions.

No matter what your attachment style is, the key to any successful relationship is self-awareness, openness, mutual support, and willingness to change.