2023 hrs.

When I closed the bedroom door a little too loudly, I would have hoped that maybe you would’ve seen that something more was wrong. That the way my eyes refused to make contact with you, the way I refused to let you help in doing the dishes, and the way I walked quickly as to sort of run away... from you. I was hoping that that, too, would have made you think that something was wrong. But it didn’t. It was me hoping that you would read in between the lines, but alas, that is not something that you’re very good at (but you’ve gotten better at it). But you were already set in sleeping for the night, as you had to rise at 0200 to get ready for work, reporting to work by 0400 for your very long, and tedious 19-hour day that would unfold before you. Vacation was over, and you would be going back to the very same cycle that would eat you alive, test every limit within you, and tear you apart from ME.

When you think of "loneliness", you think of no one beside you to hold you. You think of wandering aimlessly throughout the night, spots of figures passing you by as your heart weighs down each and every step that you take. But you don't think of the kind of loneliness where you lie next to your husband, your spouse, and you just YEARN. You yearn for your spouse, and as you begin this journey of yearning, your heart begins to weigh heavier and heavier. You feel it being strangled by the loneliness, the copious amounts of reach endlessly to them. You yearn for the lighter days, where you would be kissed 200 times in a day. You yearn for the moments where you'd both be sitting on the couch in the cozy, rundown apartment, eating ice cream with waffles at 1am and watching Grey's Anatomy (that would eventually become the show to watch from now on). You yearn for the mornings where there'd be coffee, and tea with pancakes and fruit, with the dog wagging her tail. You yearn for the stolen glances, for the kind and gentle strings of "I love you's" to echo throughout the days that would carry you when you feel like you have nothing left. You yearn for the gentle embrace, where you're breathing in sync, and every tender kiss, every loving touch, and every careful graze of lips grazed across skin... You yearn for all of that just one more time. I yearn for all of that and more just... one more time. I yearn for slow days, and long nights where the conversations were endless, and the laughter filled the room and lit up your face. I yearn for the husk in your voice waking me up in the morning, bringing me tea to wake me up. I yearn for the mornings where I'd leave at 5am, and you'd wake up on your day off to make sure I had breakfast, and food to eat for the rest of the day at school. I yearn for that hungry kiss, the longing in it as you'd wrap your arms around me to remind me that you love me so deeply despite how busy and confounding our lives may be, intertwined. I yearn for the moments when you can tell that I'm breaking into minuscule pieces, and you swoop in to be my sanctuary. I yearn for the moments of you running your fingers up and down my back, reminding me of how proud you are of the hard work I put in for my physique.

And now, with the bedroom door closed and I sitting alone in the living room of our now new apartment, I think of all those little things, and how my heart desperately yearns to have them all back. It's not that you're completely gone, because you're not; it's just now you go to work from 0400 - 1400 (sometimes 1500) and then bounce for school at 1600 - 2230. And I wait for you on the couch, with the kitchen lights on, yearning for you.

But it's in that moment, when you walk through the door, and you smile through the tiredness of the day. I'm pulled into that hug, your colonge filling my senses, instantly lifting my mood. I'm floating as you hold me for a long minute, and I surrender everything in the safety of your arms as you are, and will always be, my sanctuary. And then you open your mouth to speak.

"Hi baby. I've missed you, too, baby."