$20,000 worth of Humor

$20,000 worth of Humor

Laughter can be Priceless

Jake quickly turned to another random page and read for a few seconds, then cracked up again, laughing uncontrollably in front of everyone in the over packed rush hour subway train. Then the guy dropped him again, he read out loud, then burst out laughing again. Ha! aaaaaaaaaaaaah! People were now staring at him, some were giving him dirty looks, some were starting to laugh with him, and some were just trying to see what was so funny. Jake was thinking he had never heard such hilarious jokes or stories before. These have to be some comedian’s best material he thought as he turned another page.

Minutes later, as the train squealed to a stop at the second last station, Jake closed the little black book, and slid it into the outside pocket of his bulky parka, then made his way in the sea of rustling coats. He now noticed the stagnant air smelled of garlic and cigarette smoke, filling his lungs with thick fumes. The doors opened and Jake was almost carried out with the river of impatient New Yorkers. Once he was free of the crowd, he stopped to gain his composure.

For some reason he felt someone was watching him. As the train slowly disappeared into the tunnel he saw him. A very tall man with a big blue felt hat was frantically waving at Jake, and then he raised his cell phone and snapped a picture.

Jake was tired from his long day at his Saturday job of shelving new books and magazines at the biggest book store in the city. It took part of his weekend but he needed the money and it paid very well. Besides, he enjoyed it. He usually walked the rest of the way home from the station but tonight he decided to ride the bus. He sat on the cold bench and watched 3 busses fly past, they were full. Feeling really cold by the time the fourth bus stopped, Jake gladly hopped up the steps and dropped his ticket in the slot, then, finally he spotted the only empty seat. The bus jerked ahead while he turned to sit down, throwing him headfirst into the back corner, but something caught his eye. He turned to get a better look. A tall man was waving frantically from the street behind the bus.

As Jake unlocked the front door to his apartment complex he remembered he’d volunteered to mail some letters for his manager. He could hear another bus approaching as he crossed the street. He dropped the letters in the tiny slot in the top of the mail box while reading the brightly colored poster taped to the front. Interesting he thought, a comedy show. He loved comedy. I think I’ll go to that he said as he squinted at the small print near the bottom: Tonight Only. That would be rushed he shrugged but I can make it. He turned to step back out onto the street but decided to wait for the bus. As it roared past him something made him look up at it. There was a tall guy sitting in the back seat, and when he saw Jake, he started waving his hands frantically.

Who was this guy Jake pondered, while he had a quick shower, and ate two slices of cold leftover pizza while dressing. Jake jogged the 4 blocks to the theatre. When he walked through the front door 5 minutes before the show was to start, he was ushered to a side seat about half way back from the stage. The house was full so should be a good night he thought. Right at seven thirty sharp, a short, pudgy, middle aged, man waddled out to the centre of the stage, cracked a few jokes, and welcomed everyone. Finally he raised his voice and his hands and said: Would you please welcome! For his first performance in New York City! The young! Tall! Handsome! Farmer! From Buttzville! New Jersey! NIIIIIICK!!! JOHNSON!!!!

The audience clapped and whistled loudly as Nick nervously entered the small stage and shook hands with the emcee. He slapped Nick on the back and quickly exited through the middle of the curtains.

Nick sure was tall Jake thought, I guess about seven feet. A big blue felt hat made him look even taller. His first joke was about his height and his hands. He said they were so big because he was so tall, he had tall hands too! Everyone laughed. Then he said it was also from being a farmer ALL of his 22 years of life. They laughed again. Then, he held up his hands and everyone in the theatre gasped. They WERE large! Boy, he wasn’t kidding!

Nick shared his handicap with the shocked patrons and of the ways it had made him a target for teasing. But he explained how he learned to deal with it by laughing right along with them, and that’s how he got into professional comedy. He said it really was something he loved doing and he was sure it would be an easy in. So here he was on his new journey as the new kid on the block. He said if it doesn’t work out, he could go back home to Buttzville, and milk cows again. They loved it when I milked them, he joked, making a funny face, because I could squeeze all their teats with one hand, and milk two cows at the same time! The crowd burst out again. That way, he continued, they could have their favorite meal of oats and molasses sooner, he laughed! Nick had a contagious laugh and the crowd loved him.

With his huge hands still waving in the air and his long fingers stretched out like spikes, Nick told the crowd about how it would take them approximately 20 seconds to wash their hands, but said it takes him 20 minutes, and said he has to do it in the laundry tub! Everyone laughed again. He referenced his hands as sails, and shovels, and said he gave great massages, but they didn’t last long because he could massage half the body at once.

Nick continued, saying he sometimes talks with his hands but it has scared a few people. They will say Whoa! Put them in your pockets or something! But I tell them, sorry, they won’t fit in my pockets! The crowd burst out laughing again. Nick rolled along with his routine, joking about himself and his farm life, and told a couple of pretty funny stories. I’m glad I came Jake smiled to himself.

Just before intermission, Nick stopped talking. He looked down at the floor and let out a big sigh. The audience held their breath. I have a confession to make he said looking at his hands. This wasn’t some of the jokes and stories I had rehearsed for tonight, actually, I can’t remember them all because I lost my notes. Actually, I’m saddened to say I’ve lost ALL my material. The crowd let out their breath. You see, my grandfather had a wonderful sense of humor and was a great story teller. I would sit for hours and listen to him tell me of all the funny things that happened in his life. For my tenth birthday, he gave me the most beautiful, black leather, Moleskine notebook, and I started to write his stories down, then when I added my own stories, I thought I had a real good collection. I cherished that book, Nick said sadly. That’s when I told the cows I was leaving them for showbiz! But, they just looked at me with their big sad brown eyes and regurgitated their second stomach full of oats. The crowd stayed silent.

But the good news is; my grandfather left me the farm and a nice big bank account. I’m not sure if it’s all legal money though, knowing him, but I trust it is, he laughed. So, since I can’t ask him to tell me these great legends and stories again, I am offering a twenty thousand dollar reward for the one who finds my book and returns it to me.

Nervously, the crowd groaned with sympathy, and excitement, but Jake got a lump in his throat. It must be… he thought, trying to keep his face from expressing any emotion that would give him away? He scanned the room without moving his head, but the old theatre was dark like a full moon on a cloudy night. Jake was sure everyone was looking at him. He tried to swallow, but the lump in his throat was way too big. Suddenly the house lights were turned up and people started moving around. Jake froze for a few more seconds, then he tried to stand but his legs felt boneless. He stumbled his way through the crowd and headed outside to get some air. Breathe, he told himself. Breathe!!!

Jake’s head was spinning, he had never seen $20,000, and never dreamt he would ever see it all in one lump sum. Could this really be happening? Was he dreaming? He reached for the book, hoping it was still in his pocket. It was. Jake opened the front cover. In shaky script was written: To Nick, Love Grandpa. Jake turned and looked at the theatre. There it was again, the poster. Nick Johnson. His face, his huge hands, his blue felt hat… He must have heard me laughing… He tried to get to me before I got off the train…

Jake knew what he had to do. He took a deep breath, grabbed the brass door handle, and went to find Nick.

THE END 