19 and Learning

Clocked in ready to start my 12 hour shift at my local factory job. Since overtime of this 12 hour shift was mandatory I was half asleep at this 3am service clock in time.

At the new age of 19 and basically desperate for male companionship, I noticed a couple new temp guys from the night crew on the line.

I remember thinking to myself.. either of these guys might be alright to get to know.

I should note that I lived a nearly sheltered life.

My young self sought out one of these lads. I made myself on the way to the line where he was working. I joked with him and was excited for a positive exchange.

Soon we started texting and I discovered he was on house arrest. Now thinking.. of course.. right? Then however I felt sympathy and was intrigued. How did he accomplish this at such a young age at 24. What did he do to merit this special ankle bracelet?

As an innocent young woman eager to help in any situation I began to be as close to this guy as I could. After phone calls and text I was hooked. I had my shift rearranged from day crew to night crew so we could work together and be together.

One morning the night crew wanted to go out for dinner/breakfast by timeline. So I asked my new beloved if he wanted to join. Said he wouldn’t have a ride if he didn’t go home with his brother, which turned out to be the other said guy. As you may have guessed I offered him a ride home if he wanted to join the crew and I for breakfast.

Breakfast was fine and well on a snowy cold December morning. I let him take the driver's seat and we headed for his house. All the way there he was saying I couldn’t go in because he lived with his dad and didn’t want me to meet him. I was offended by this but agreed anyway. Living about 35 minutes away from where we worked it was a bit of a ride, but I enjoyed the company and the alone time, since all of this was very very new to me.

Passing through one of the towns on the way to his, he thought he should take the service road since it was a little slick out from the snow and cold weather. Just made it to the outskirts of town and in a flash we had slid around a corner head on into a telephone pole. I hadn’t felt like we were going that fast, but I guess fast enough to break that pole over the top of my 93 thunderbird, my first car.

Completely shook and stunned we waited for help, because we were not sure if it was safe to even get out with all the wires around us.

Finally the police arrived and we talked about what had happened. My car was done. It was completely totalled. He called his brother to come pick us up. It was a little bit funny to find out his brother was the other new temp guy.

Since we were on our way to drop him off and I now had no transportation, I had no choice but to go to his house and meet the dad.

Arriving at his trailer that was hiked up on a washed out back wood road in the middle of nowhere I was optimistic. Nothing could have prepared me for meeting his father though. This man was absurd, rude, and completely inappropriate. This was obviously known to his sons, it made perfect sense why he didn’t want me or anyone else to meet him.

I hid back in his room away from his dad for the night and rode to work the next evening with the guys.

Within a couple of months I found an apartment in a town neighboring where I lived. So anxious to start a life with someone, I signed the lease for us to move in. Not really knowing anything about living on my own or with someone else besides family this was a reality check. Buying everything from trash cans to toilet paper from shampoo to dish soap. I had no idea how much these start up costs were. I got settled in though. We used my couch and his bed. Collected a few other items and made it work.

Pushing for the husband vibe I was pretty aggressive with my I love yous. He never returned them. I remember asking if he loved me and his response was, have I told you I do?

He was still on his probation but graduated from his ankle bracelet. Lost his job at the factory so I urged him to work at a local truss building company. He made lots of new friends that were also familiar with probation and sorts. Through these friends he made other friends and next thing you knew he knew a whole community of people.

In this community he found a female friend. At the time I didn’t think much of it or her. Just another friend. One day he was home watching a movie on the couch with her, I later recalled that they seemed jumpy when I unexpectedly walked through the door. At that time I wanted to be a supporting girlfriend.

A few days after this I went with him to another friend's house. As we were leaving his friend made a handful of low key “he’s cheating” comments. I was so naive that it did not click at all.

After hearing all of this and no I love you’s in sight I made the decision to move out and on with my life.

My heart was broken. My first love probably never had much interest in me. After I moved out I was still mentally and emotionally consumed by him. I drove by his apartment to see if he was home several times. I looked for vehicles like his just for a chance to see his face.

One night I thought it would be a good idea to sneak in his window and wait for him to come home. Yes, I had already moved out. This was not a good choice, but it happened. I hid in the bathroom closet for what seemed like forever. Finally I heard him walk in with some company. Waiting patiently for him to come into the bathroom so I could just have one little conversation with him. Obviously that did not go well. After this embarrassment I left still heartbroken and confused.

Shortly after this encounter I had found out his female friend was actually pregnant with his son. Looking back all I think was I should have seen that coming.

Eventually I got my own place and a new job with a new life.

This was almost 15 years ago. Though it was a miserable point in my life I am thankful for the experience and the knowledge I’ve gained. It taught me how to read people better. It taught me that I was easily manipulated. It taught me that many people live many different lifestyles. There’s no way to live right, only what’s right for you and without harm to others. I learned maybe most importantly to get a thicker coat of skin to protect myself.

These experiences help me help others now and for that I am grateful.