09/11/2022

I am not always sure why I am the way I am. Sometimes, I think everything is a lie and I would not be this way if it weren’t for the medication. Then, I go off the medication and things get worse than they were before. Or, I’ll start feeling better and (surprise, surprise) stop taking the pills thinking I will be fine because I have been feeling better.

There are other times I think this was done to me by someone else. And I don’t know who I should blame for it so I end up blaming myself when I know I should not. This is no one’s specific fault, myself least of all. There was nothing I ever could have done to cause or prevent this from happening to me. The only thing I can do is suck it up and manage it.

Everyone has their own cross to bear right? Mine just happens to feel pretty damn heavy sometimes. Today is one of those days. Actually, this entire weekend has been like that and I’m pretty well sick of it. I cannot do much to make it better, though. I can take my medicine, write in my journal, and talk to the people who understand me.

However, I feel like I am annoying them. Which is another thing about this disorder: I am absolutely paranoid most of my waking hours and it really does suck. I am 100% certain that they are so tired of hearing me talk that no one wants to talk to me anymore and that I should just shut up. Shut up and sit still. Neither of which are things I am all that capable of doing right now.

Should I go to the doctor and see if there is anything they can do for me? Yes, probably. There is another issue: I don’t have a way to take myself to the doctor without anyone knowing I went. Not only is it Sunday and I have to work tomorrow, but I do not have a car. People are going to start noticing very quickly if I just stop being around for a couple of days. They will worry… At least, I think they will. No, I know they will, I just don’t really believe it because who I am anyway.

There’s another issue. I should probably do something about that, too, but here we go with my ten million excuses as to why I can’t do anything about how I feel and what I am thinking through all this. I will say that if I go into work tomorrow and I am like this, someone is going to say something and I will have no choice but to go to a hospital of some kind and it will no longer be voluntary.

I don’t know if going willingly makes it any different, though. I don’t know if they keep you the same amount of time as they would if you were taken in because you hurt yourself. I don’t want to ask because I don’t want to scare anyone. I also don’t want to ask to go because that is something other people would find inconvenient and would be upset with me for. I don’t want to lose anymore friends or my boyfriend because of this or because I asked to go to the doctor when I am physically fine.

Mentally, I am not really all that okay at the moment. Yes, I have said something about not feeling the best in my head. No one has said that I shouldgo to the doctor, though. That could be for one of a few reasons: they think I’ll be okay, they want me to make the choice on my own, or they just plain don’t believe me and think I want attention or something. Most people think the last one and they always have. At least, that’s what I believe people think of me. So, I keep a lot of stuff to myself most of the time. I let myself let it out a lot when I am alone, which maybe I should not do.

It might be good to let things out here and there, relieve the pressure in my brain a bit, but it can also bother me a lot because I don’t have someone there to tell me I am okay. It would, however, be really embarrassing to have someone see me like this. Having someone witness my tics, itchiness, spazzing out, and inability to sit still or concentrate on anything would be really embarrassing. It would also cost me the closest person to me, who I would have to ask for help, and I really don’t want to lose him. I love him.

What do I do?