When I worked as an unlicensed exorcist

Everything I'm about to tell you is completely true. For what blanks there may be, it is where my memory has failed me. I hope you all enjoy.

From the time period of 2009 to 2011 I worked as an unlicensed though not untrained exorcist. A brief history of how we got here. When growing up I had two distinct sides of my family. One which was Christian dominant for the majority of my time growing up. The other which followed a spiritual path and did not follow any one religion. I inherited the use of Christian phrasing and item use from one side. The actual art of how to perform exorcisms from the other. With that said you may be wondering how an unlicensed exorcist even gets work? The answer is people find you. When you perform tarot readings and house cleansings for people eventually they start asking about your other talents. Funny enough that isn't how my first exorcism started.

A friend of mine who will be anonymous so we'll just call him K. He already was aware of all the things I did so he came to me one day and told me "Um.. So I think I might have a minor demon within me." Needless to say I was at least a little surprised. It was an odd way to start a conversation. So he told me about how for the last ten years he had felt like he had an extra presence within himself. Mental health issues had been ruled out as best that they could be. His mother was also in agreement saying that at numerous points in his childhood he had reacted oddly to holy objects, people praying over him, and to people who seemed genuinely touched by God. He had never reacted violently, more just recoiling or trying to get away. Also at numerous points he had become randomly suicidal like a voice just telling him to go take a hop in traffic.

With that information in mind I loaded up on the tools of my trade. Several plastic rosaries which I spent two days blessing and praying over. I want to say I had ten. I also wore a real rosary around my neck that was already pretty best up from previous jobs as a cleanser. Plastic ones are significantly cheaper and easier to replace should they get broken. And I had already lost a number of good rosaries to other issues. My pocket version of the new testament because through personal experience I've noticed reciting passages from Christ seem to have a better effect. The water pipes of my home were already blessed though I took the precaution of blessing the water again once I got it from the tap. With that we started the process. I sat him down on the couch and we talked through the process. I would start with prayers, move on to attempting to get a name, and if we got one move on to removal through more prayers as well as readings. We also talked about the fact that he wanted to be rid of the demon. Because you can be the best exorcist on the planet but that doesn't matter if the person doesn't want to let go. Like most things in life it's a two way street and we got to meet in the middle.

I opened with a simple prayer that I start everything with. Rosary in hand I spoke, "In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti." Latin for "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit." Almost immediately I got a reaction. Nothing more than a mild twitch but a reaction nonetheless. From there I chanted three times, "Relinquere hic homo" which is release this person. For those who don't know almost all things of a supernatural nature can ignore you unless you invoke the rule of three. Anything said three times in a row must be heard. At this point the twitching went into mild convulsions. I placed my rosary against his forehead and said loudly three times again, "Tell me your name." I could see him trying to speak but he couldn't get the words out. So I did it again. At this point the beads on my rosary snapped off but I got a name. Unfortunately I can't tell you what it is because I make a point to block that information out of my head once done with a job. Remembering something's name gives it the ability to track you to some degree.

I dropped the rosary I had and pulled another from my pocket. At this point a mutual friend of both me and K who we will call C was asking if he could help. I told him to grab my pocket new testament off of my dining room table and flip to the first passage I had earmarked and to start reading. The story of Christ casting out the demon Legion from a man into a bunch of pigs. It's my normal starting go to passage. Now K is in full on convulsions and I have to actually grab him by the top of his head to place the rosary back on him. When I do he screams at me and shoves me back. He tried to stand as if he were running but he collapsed and started crawling away instead which told me that K was fighting back and keeping his end of the deal. He wanted this thing gone. So I start following him while chanting the demon's name and then, "Esse abiit daemonium." Which is"Be gone demon." All the while C is reading from the story. After about two minutes of my chanting and C reading K starts coughing really bad. Like he's got something stuck in his throat. I look at C and tell him" Keep reading. If you finish, start it again." I knelt down by K with rosary in hand on his back and went back to chanting. After another minute of this though it felt so much longer K started coughing up something black on the floor. Like a black ooze that seeped into the carpet leaving a permanent stain.

When he finally stopped coughing I had C bring over one of the glasses of water for K and one for me. I poured a little of mine on to the spot still chanting and watched a little smoke puff up. K started drinking and then yelled, "Why the hell does the water burn?"

All I could do was laugh and tell him, "If I had to guess burning off the residual of what you coughed up. Try it again." This time he drained the glass and told me how it was the best water he had ever tasted. After that his life improved quite a bit. I later discovered that all of my rosaries that had still been in my pocket had broken at some point. And the wooden balls on my large rosary I wore around my neck had darkened significantly.

This next one was about six months after K and would eat up the next nine months of my life. After that word got out that not only did I do tarot readings and house cleansings. Now I could also do exorcisms. The next person who came to me who will call T would actually be my next three. Not because they didn't stick but because he kept doing things to get possessed. After the third one I told him no more. If it happened again to not come to me. I don't mind people who have made mistakes but I'm not just a walking clinic for these things. Wears me out too much and I spend too much money just buying the rosaries.

So as I said word got out and someone told T about me so he found me at a place I frequented often so he could talk to me. He explained that a few years back him and his friends had been being dumb and tried to summon something. They succeeded but they had not laid down a circle to trap it in or anything. That's a very important step if you wish to summon anything. A circle of salt holds most things at bay and as long as you summon them in the circle they're trapped the second they're summoned. Anyways no circle it immediately hopped into a person. He informed me it had led to some pretty extreme reactions to holy stimuli including violence. Now me being dumb I proceeded to cross myself and say in English, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." His eyes flashed full black for literally only a second and I got punched in the chest. So I told him I'd take the case.

Thankfully at this point I just kept a supply of items at home just for this possibility. So I told him to come to my place. I had to physically invite him in because of course my house was blessed. He stood at the door for like five minutes trying to step inside until I realized what was happening. You always hear about vampires having to invite them in. But really it's anything "evil" or that harbors malicious intent at least in the supernatural world. I had him go upstairs to my loft and told him to lay down arms and legs spread out. To avoid the violence issue I blessed a set of weights and laid them at his wrists and ankles. It was mildly amusing to see him struggling against them though it also let me know it had worked. I collected all my items and this time we've ahead and handed C my bible and I had K with me for this one as well so I handed him a rosary and just told him to repeat after me and pray over it. After the initial prayer in Latin of "In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti." His eyes went back to the black and stayed that way for the remainder of the exorcism.

He was already struggling against the weights but his back was arching up. So I took one more set and laid it on his chest. His body hit the ground with a thud that shook my poor little house. So much like last time I positioned myself so that I could place a rosary on T's forehead and said, "Tell me your name." I had K repeating after me. After the first round of three times asked I was actually given a name. At this point though T is staining as hard as he can against the weights. Enough so he's starting to actually lift them. Only a little bit but that was more than enough to be concerning. So as soon as we had the name I told C to start reading from the same passage as last time. I have K kneel next to me to place his rosary in T's forehead with me while repeating after me, "Esse abiit daemonium". After three minutes the black in T's eyes started to finally fade away. Then he started coughing and a black smoke was coming out. I tell C to go get the water I had on the counters in the kitchen which I already had blessed. Me and K continue chanting.

Once C brought the water we cautiously took the weights off from his wrists and chest so he could sit up some. We got him to drink the water and get the same thing K had said, "Why the hell does the water burn?" He coughs up a bit more black smoke and finishes his cup and then a second one.

After that I told him, "Alright. Real test. Move your legs out from under the weights." He did it with ease. I made sure he was good to drive told him not to do something stupid again and thought I would never see him again. Amazingly, I lost none of my equipment during that exorcism.

Now the second time with T which was about three months later honestly bears almost no mentioning. He showed up at my house and started to tell me something about being dumb again. I could hardly feel anything coming from him so I smacked him in the forehead with my large wooden rosary and said a prayer. He let out a nasty burp with a little smoke. I gave him a glass of water and sent him on his way. Now the third time he came to me was a bit different. This was six months after the second incident. He shows up on doorstep at about eleven at night. Immediately I can tell he is fighting to not black out. I brought him into the house. I yell for C to start grabbing my equipment and the water. As I'm taking him up into the loft he looks at me and says, "It knows you." I was simultaneously proud and terrified. This had been fun with a few frights but now this was a bit more serious. This kid went and did something stupid and something that was mad at me had possessed him. I assumed for the purpose of attempting to attack me.

Once I had him up in the loft I grabbed the same set of weights from before and put them on T. He passed out and this thing kicked in. Immediately he's already pushing the weights up so I blessed them again right then and watched T's whole body collapse like I just dropped a boulder on him. C brings me my stuff and then I tell him to also go collect my bag of crystals. I've collected crystals since I was a child and had about fifty of them that I used as protection when absolutely needed. C brings those back to me and I set myself in a circle surrounded by them. At this point I told C to stand back and be ready with the water. Which I took a second to bless. I went ahead and wrapped three rosaries around each hand, grabbed my bible, and started reading the passage of Christ throwing out the demon Legion. This demon reacts in pain but then started laughing at me and then it spoke in a voice I still dream of occasionally. Deep and grinding like his throat was full of gravel, "Oh I remember this one. Still using the same tricks then."

I stopped reading and I watched as two of my crystals broke and all six rosaries broke off my hands. I look down, "What do you mean you know me?"

The demon speaks as I'm pulling more rosaries out and wrapping my hands with them again, "You threw me out of my host. That was mine!"

I looked down confused at first, "Wait do you mean K? You're the same demon from him? Revenge really?" During this time I was flipping through my bible to the next passage which is when Christ actually explains about how he came back.

The demon was yelling at this point, "Yes yes yes!!! That was mine! And I'll kill you for what you did." Let it be said now no longer proud, only terrified. I tell C to come over and I dunk the rosaries on my left hand into the water and then place them on his forehead. I could hear an audible sizzling sound which made me a little sick. I start reading from the Bible again intermittently asking its name because I blocked it out. Finally get the name though more of my crystals are cracked now. Now switch to the Latin "Esse abiit daemonium" for "Be gone demon." Start just chanting it over and over again. At this point I dropped the bible and had C come back over so I could dunk the right hand's rosaries in the water. Now both hands, six rosaries coated with holy water, and it's all on T's forehead. I'm chanting and he's screaming. I'm sweating buckets at this point. My whole body aches. Finally results! No coughing this time, just a black cloud about the size of a basketball comes out of T's mouth and launches at me. I fall backwards all the way to my back as all six rosaries on my hands break. My large wooden one around my neck breaks off my neck and all the balls crack as well as the actual crucifix darkened to the point where you couldn't tell what it was anymore. As well as a number of other crystals broke. And I still ended up with a small burn mark on my right arm.

After five minutes I finally sat up. T did as well so that was a good sign. I motioned for C to give him the water. Once again with the, "Why does the water burn so much?" To eventually, "That is the best water ever." After that I took a tally of all my broken items. Fifteen plastic rosaries because even the ones I hadn't been holding broke. My large wooden rosary was completely finished. Over half of my crystals were shattered. For the first time in my career of providing unique services I actually demanded money. Normally I would take alcohol or cigarettes as payment but not today. I needed to replenish supplies.

My final exorcism was of a house and not a person. This was nine months after I was done with T. Someone I was friends with came to me and told me that a friend of theirs was having issues in their home. Including crucifixes going upside down, noises in the night, and the whole family was having really bad nightmares. At this point I had upgraded a few of my supplies. I actually had six real rosaries at this point. A full bible for if I needed something extra from the old testament just in case. Actual flasks to carry holy water around in. As well as sage to burn and try to purify an area. I figured this was nothing more than a particularly nasty poltergeist. Not a huge problem though the upside down crosses concerned me because that wasn't one that normally appeared with poltergeist.

When I arrived at the house the family was waiting for me outside. They didn't want to be in their home anymore and were debating about staying at a hotel. I told them to give me an hour tops and all should be settled. I let them know I was going to be burning the sage in their home. They agreed and I went in. The second I stepped through the door my sense that this might not be a poltergeist went from maybe to almost full blown yes. Just to test the water I cross myself and say, "In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti" and immediately I hear a door slam somewhere in the house. I light the sage, wrap a rosary around my other hand, and start walking the house calling out, "Esse abiit daemonium". I'm getting doors slamming, I can see a few things fall over, and the floor is shaking very slightly. I continued chanting as I removed the rosary from my hand and grabbed my flask from my pocket. I just started splashing the water around as I chanted.

As I continued going through every room in the house I noticed a foul smell coming from somewhere. I finally pinpoint it to a child's bedroom. It's a toy. I splash the toy with some of the water and I hear screaming. I focus all my effort on this toy. The screaming gets to the point where my ears are killing me. Finally it just stops and the smell starts to fade away. It's only then that I noticed my rosary had been warped in my hands like something hot had been touching it. My hand finally registers some pain but nothing too terrible. I grab the toy now and head back outside. Apparently I had been in there for forty five minutes though I would have guessed fifteen. I handed the family the toy and gave them a brief version of what had happened. I asked them where they got it. Apparently a second hand store. I told them to give the toy a wash and it should be fine.

Well there you have it folks. After that no more jobs came in. So technically if needed I'll still perform as an unlicensed exorcist but after those five incidents I decided I would stick to tarot readings and house cleansings. I hope you enjoyed this true tale. If you did then please like, subscribe, and feel free to leave a tip. Till next time.