Vending Machine

Re: union welfare meeting

Dearest colleagues,

I am happy to announce that after months of lobbying management at all levels regarding staff welfare. We have taken on board your concerns about the lack of food options for our valued third shift colleagues --

I pause here because you probably don't know Marina Avenue, and you definitely don't know Jackie, the author of this email.

First, Marina Avenue. That's where my office building is. It's a maze of an industrial estate, all glass and tile and pot plants and office workers. Whoever thought it was a good idea clearly never worked in one of those buildings. Never any parking space, and the nearest food place is 10 minutes away, by car. We work shifts throughout the day, and the canteens close at 3 pm. I'd bring packed lunches, if we actually had fridges.

Then Jackie. Her inability to string a simple sentence together has not stopped her from being placed in charge of a lot of internal comms. Her grasp of grammar is... worrying. Believe me, it pains me as much as you.

-- and the decision has been made to set up a rest area for our colleagues, open 24/7. This will be an informal space to allow relaxation and workplace bonding away from the office space. Our hope with this is --

No concrete details, because what would be the point of that?

To everyone's surprise, the rest area is indeed set up - if you can call it that - in the next week. I'm being generous: it's a vending machine and a bench placed in the middle of the thoroughfare. The vending machine itself doesn't even have a display of what snacks are available, just a number keypad. It's always a bit of a jackpot what you're going to get, but at least there are actual snacks. I got beef jerky once, which I had to swap with AZ's deflated crisp packet. But hey, it's better than nothing.

Re: rest area

Dear valued colleagues,

I am happy to hear that some of you are making good use of the vending machine. To address your concerns, I have been asked to pass on the following points:

1. The machine will be stocked every fortnight with a standard range of food items.

2. We have had some reports of non-food items being dispensed such as pens and toiletries. This is impossible as the vending machine is tamperproof. All complaints will be investigated to ensure that rest areas can be enjoyed fairly by all. Please avoid making malicious reports as this rest area can be removed at any point.

Yours faithfully,…

And so on. Jackie includes a full, improbable list of letters after her name. The effect this has on the reader is uncertain; these qualifications are so obscure they could have been made up for all I know.

It's a testament to the volume and intensity of my work that I soon start a spreadsheet of vending machine codes. 96 gives you dried fruit. 117 gives budget supermarket knockoff brands. 14 gives crunchy things: nuts, seeds, popcorn. And so on.

I'm at the vending machine, thinking about some roasted peanuts, and there is actually a queue. Well, there's Ashley from finance desk. She's already holding an energy drink, this time of day. She's chosen 52, which is meant to be sweets but more often comes out as dried mango. As the machine clunks, she taps her fingernails on the machine's display in a nervous tattoo.

On my quest to complete the spreadsheet of matching numbers to food items, I peek over her shoulder to see what comes out. It looks like a blister pack of tablets. She gasps.

"Oh, is that like those sweets we used to have?"

She jumps at my comment.

"Something like that," she says. Snatches the box and hurries off before I can ask more.

I think no more about the increasingly tatty rest area until I meet Hui Min. This is after Ashley left the office with her belongings. Rumour has it that she was fired for "personal reasons". Well, I heard she quit, couldn't stand the office life any more, decided to become an "influencer".

This time Hui Min is walking away from the vending machine, with an urgency no one ever shows in this office. I look in the slot. There is a small silver chain with bells. Too small for a bracelet, but just big enough for, say, a baby's ankle.

Curiosity overriding my desire for snacks, I head for Stairwell D. Linked with the fire escape, it has the dual advantage of distance from the office space and a view of the city. It's popular for conversations and other interactions requiring privacy, though it is awkward when you end up with multiple groups there. Hui Min looks up when the door opens.

"Are you ok?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I recognised what it was."

"Then you know it's none of your business. Go away."

"It's not your fault," I say, in a desperate attempt to be comforting.

"You weren't there, how can you say that? Go away!"

Re: re: rest area

Dear valued colleagues,

Some of you have submitted a number of reports regarding the newly installed refreshment facilities. It is disappointing to hear that certain irresponsible individuals have been damaging the property and would like to remind you of the shared responsibility that we all have in taking care of our office space. After all, "We're All In This Together"!

The Management have taken these complaints to heart. Hence, effective next week c/o 9 March, the vending machine will be removed. The remainder of the rest areas will be kept 'as is' for a further probation period of three weeks.

Your feedback is important to us.

Sincerely,

Management