Things You Can't Say three

The way that he spoke to me felt so damn patronizing. The whole ‘good girl’ thing was really starting to get under my skin. Especially the cooing tone that he was using to say every single damn ‘compliment’. It was really starting to piss me off. And this sudden urge to just hurt him was overwhelming for me. An idea to just headbutt him in the balls cropped up as I stood there. Eating the worst version of chili dogs that I had ever eaten in my life. It wasn’t terrible tasting but terrible looking. I dismissed the violent thought while I was eating my food the best that I could. There was no way in Hell that would go over well. He would retaliate with worse violence. After all the man can easily lift and carry me around like I’m a ragdoll. It makes me fear what he could do to me if he was properly angry with me and not just lifting me around.

I almost shuddered to think of what he might do. Images of him kicking me in the side as he called me names. Screaming at what a bitch I had been. Along with one horrible picture of him stomping my skull in. Almost to the point that I could cry. But I tried to push the image down as I ate. This wasn’t helping me.

Neither was the idea that no one would probably find my corpse. Or if they did it wouldn’t be in one piece. Since I’m sure that he wouldn’t be able to hide me all that well. Even in pieces. Any part of me would be easily found. Then the rest would be found after a couple of months. Though I’m certain that he would even want to hide my dead body. Mostly because the idea of hiding it wouldn’t come to him. Why would he want to hide my corpse? After all it would show anyone who found me is what I did to deserve it. Hell, I bet that he’d leave a note with my body. Everything about how he acted made me think this way. There was just so much about him that gave me this vibe. And I’m sure that I would be dying if I did anything. That if I don’t act like the adorable little ‘kitten’ that he wanted. Or the ‘kitten’ that he thinks that he deserves. If I valued my life, I was going to try to behave the way that I feel he wants. There’s this feeling in my gut telling me that this isn’t going to be as easy as it seems.

But I’m going to try as hard as I can.

If that means eating gross looking chili dogs out of a metal bowl. Then I’ll do it. I’ll do anything so long as I survive this whole thing. And I’m grateful that while the food looked disgusting, it wasn’t too bad tasting. I’ve had worse chili dogs. Definitely had better. At least I was being fed at all. That was the main thought that was running through my mind. Reminding myself that I was lucky to be fed at all. After all most captors don’t feed their captives. Not that I’m grateful or happy that this guy was feeding me. Just grateful that food was being provided at all. And that I wasn’t just being tortured immediately like I think most people like him would do. Yes, I know that this doesn’t mean that he’s some kind of savior for me.

Far from it.

The man is a monster that has kidnapped me for his own amusement. This place is Hell that I never wanted to be. Anything would be better than this place with this man. Even in a dumpster outside of the local 7/11. That would be a better place to sleep than this disgusting place. With the smell of smoke and possibly shit. When I finished eating the food, he grabbed a washcloth from the countertop and ran it under the water. Kneeling, the jerk started washing my face of my leftover food. Resisting the urge to tense up as it took a while for him to do so. When he finished cleaning my face he tossed the washcloth into that sink. Though he said nothing at all after doting on me like that. Petting my back as I leaned over to drink the water. Guessing that was how he wanted me to drink. This was difficult but I managed to do it. Tongue not feeling all that great as I continued to ‘drink’ the water. I suppose this was a thing that I would have to get used to. Whether I really want to get used to it or not. Which is something that I never really wanted to do in the slightest bit. Soon as I finished drinking the water, he picked up both bowls and headed to the sink. Wash both dishes as quickly as possible. Putting them onto the countertop to dry instead of drying them off with a towel. In a soft voice, he chrips,”Such a good job, Princess. I’m so proud of you.”

“Now, it’s time for you to practice walking with your knees and paw pads. C’mon follow Master.”,he added. This made me feel slightly uncomfortable. Walking was something that I had barely just started to do. From the small few inches that I had managed to move myself, I was wobbly. So very wobbly. And I watched him head towards the hallway he had carried me through. Vaguely noticing the carpet was plush. Making me think that walking over it wouldn’t be all that harsh. In fact, I would probably be fine walking over it. Even if I wasn’t wearing mittens and leg restraints. Either way he was expecting me to follow him through that damned hallway to another room. My guess is that gross living room that he seems to like. So that one day I can flee. If I tried it right now, he would be able to catch me. Especially since I can’t move all that well right now. I would be a very easy target if I did any form of ‘running’ from him at that moment.

A very, very easy one.

At any rate I will be going along with what he wants. For now, at the very least. Going along with his needs to suit my own. Or to keep him from being able to notice that I hated every single part of this. So, I sucked up everything that I was feeling as I started to move like before. Moving my hands and knees the best I can. It was difficult. One hand in movement with my knees. Reminding myself that this shouldn’t be so difficult. But maybe it was the fact that my legs are tied up that made it hard. If they weren’t so damn restricted, then I wouldn’t have such difficulty. Maybe. Either way it feels a bit awkward as I walk down the hallway. Trying to keep up with him as I chewed on my bottom lip. Everything about this was so damn hard. Moving my hands and knees as I follow him. Softly, he encouraged,”That’s a good girl, come on. You’re being such a good girl.”

My knees and hands weren’t feeling that great. Not as bad as I guessed they would be if I walked over hardwood. The plushness of the carpet felt somewhat okay as I moved along. This wasn’t the worst part of this whole thing. What was worse about walking down the hallway was the smell coming from it. Smelling like smoke, sweat and several unnamable things. Stuff that I didn’t ever want to think of as I ‘walked’ towards the living room. It was much too terrible for me to think about. As I had the feeling that if I knew I would be thoroughly disgusted. And to want to rip off the skin from my hand and knees until I felt clean once again. Which would take a whole lifetime if I’m going to be honest. All I do know is that it’s super disgusting. Doing my best to not react as I walked after him. Having a little difficulty keeping up with him thanks to the leg restraints. Way more so than I ever thought it was going to be.

Not that I had ever thought of this type of thing before. Outside of a joke ‘what-if’ scenario type of thinking.

Never had I thought of this kind of situation happening to me. Ever. There was no way outside of my worst nightmares I could think of this. Then again, I don’t know if there’s a way to prepare for this kind of thing. At all. I watched him as he moved over to that ugly armchair. Sitting down with a low grunting noise. He turned his gaze to me with a strange smile on his face. Beckoning me to come closer as I moved a little bit faster to him. Trying to make him not wait for me to get any closer to him. Afraid of angering him if I didn’t move any faster. When I was close enough to him, he leaned over and picked me up. His horrible body odor invaded my nostrils as he smiled down at me. Settling me down in his lap as he grinned wider. Running his fingers through my tresses with a soft sigh. His right hand was in my hair. While his left hand was rubbing my back gently.

Him petting me like this shouldn’t be soothing. His gross, dry, and clammy hands on me like this shouldn’t be keeping me calm. Yet I found myself feeling a lot calmer than I had been at the start. Somehow relaxed in his grasp. Well at least as close to it as I can get at this moment.

In my mind I was coming up with several reasons for why I was acting like this. Just why was I behaving so calmly. So seemingly calm. It was to keep him from being upset with me. To keep him from getting angry. Since the possibility of him killing me was lingering in my mind. Like a little constant black cloud that wouldn’t be easy to shake. Something that I doubt I could ever forget further down the line. No matter how ‘gentle’ or ‘kind’ he would act with me. That he could kill me. So very easily and I couldn’t stop him. Not without these stupid mittens on at the very least. If I had my hands free at the very least, I could stand a better chance. Possibly. My mind wasn’t entirely certain if I would be able to. But I would be hopeful that I could stand a better of a chance. Though he was damn strong in my book. Most people aren’t always able to lift another person throughout the entire house the way that he did, right? I’m not sure if I’m right. Then again, I’ve never thought someone kidnap me like this.

At all.

Being stripped of my clothes, possibly cleaned, and forced into these…these things. By some fucked up man. I’m still not even sure if he hit me from behind before taking me here or not. Or what kind of drug did he give me earlier. But all I know is that…that I need to keep my cool and not dwell on things. All I need to do is stay in the moment. No matter how uncomfortable and terrible it smelled. It was better than lingering on my terrible thoughts of what had happened. As it wasn’t going to get me anywhere aside from lost in my thoughts. Especially considering how easily he can lift me. I’m guessing it was going to be easy for him to throw me. Against any wall. Headfirst or back first. I’m not sure what way he would do so. But all I know is that I would be very screwed if I made him upset in the slightest bit. Either way, I know that I’m going to be a whole lot better off without being near this asshole.

Soon as he turns on the T.V I glance over to it out of minor curiosity. Since I really don’t have much to do with ‘Master’. Aside from sitting here on his annoyingly comfortable lap. Also, I just want to know what I’m going to be dealing with for a while. Entertainment wise at the very least. From what I could tell it was sort of a perverted anime. Something that I don’t think I have ever heard of in my entire life. Then again, I’ve never been a huge fan of anime in general. So, any form of anime that isn’t super popular isn’t going to be known by me. From what I could tell this anime was about zombies and teenagers. Guns and really dumb looking swords in it. At any rate, I couldn’t just get into the damn thing. So, I turned my head and stared at the wall. Trying to lay down better in his lap. Which is more comfortable than I expected it to be. It took a little effort to lay down and relax. As these leg restraints were a little difficult to get comfortable with. Along with the paw mittens that I frowned at as I looked down at them. He started petting me a little firmer than before. Cooing softly as he kept petting my back insistently. And he gently demanded,”Princess, settle down when you’re in Master’s lap.”

“You’re making it hard for him to focus on his show.”,he continued. In a tone that I could detect his barely veiled frustration at the situation. My guess is that he was trying not to yell at me about. And I felt slightly proud that I was bothering him enough to ruin his enjoyment of that perverted show. It was slightly hilarious that moving around easily ruined his concentration. If I felt like I could get away with it, I would be laughing at his annoyance. But I won’t because I know that I won’t be able to get away with it. Sure, it’s dumb to find enjoyment in settling down in his stupid lap like this. Like what real cats do when they’re cuddling you. To me it only made sense that a ‘cat’ like me could do that right? Well at least once. If I do it anymore then I might get beat by him. Though I suppose the word ‘might’ is a little optimistic. With the way that he has been acting it would be a ‘will’ rather than a ‘might’. In fact, I’m sure that I would be left black and blue by the end of this. Or possibly have broken bones. That would be if I was extremely unlucky. Quite possibly he could just leave me bruised and terrified. If he ever broke one of my bones, I doubt that he would ever take care of me. It would probably be way too much work for him to handle. I suppose it would be too much work for normal folks, too. But for him it would be nearly impossible for him to do. And a small terrible voice in my mind whispered that it was going to be all my fault if it happened.

All my fault.

Shaking my head a little, I tried to dispel those terrible thoughts. As I lay there, I tried not to let more toxic thoughts seep in. These weren’t going to help me in the moment. Not in the slightest bit. So far, he hasn’t done much for me to think he would beat me if I didn’t obey him. After all, he might not have hit me to knock me out. He could have just used chloroform or something to that effect. My memory was still a blank space when it came from the alleyway to here. So, who’s to say that he violently knocked me out? There was no evidence that he would do that. Blaming myself for the hypothetical broken bones would get me nowhere. Especially since I wasn’t going to allow them to happen in the first place. I would play my part of pet cat to make him happy until I could get free of him. Get anywhere where I could have access to a phone. And get this asshole sent to jail while I did whatever the Hell I wanted. Get back to how things used to be.

Well, maybe I can find a shelter or something to live in. Anywhere that is super far away from his gross ass. With terrible smells, garbage in the corners, and that smelly bastard holding me. Anything would be better than having to live in a disturbing house like this. I just want to be far away from these smells as best I can. Especially with him and his terrible body odor. That’s so bad I doubt that he’s ever seen a shower or know what body wash is used for.

I mean, I had smelled bad, but I have a good reason why I didn’t smell good. Mostly because I couldn’t find a place to get a shower. He has a shower here. Or I’m thinking he would have access to one.

While we sat in his stupid armchair, he kept stroking me absentmindedly. Stroking my back with one hand. My hair with the other. Keeping me calmer than it had beforehand. I keep reminding myself that it wasn’t because I liked him. It was only because I didn’t want to get hurt by him. That I was being nice. At least until a gentle sigh escaped my lips and I froze in his lap. He was chuckling when he kept petting me. It was clear to him that this was hilarious. Not sure why. What was so hilarious about me acting like this? This was just too weird for words.

“Aww, I’m sorry. But you’re just such a cute little lady, Princess.”,he explained. Giving my ass another gentle squeeze as he did so. It wasn’t sexual but it felt weird. Somehow it was reassuring to me when he did it. But then again, this whole thing was just too weird to handle. I felt horrified as I found myself unintentionally leaning into his disgusting touch. Soon as I realized what I was doing I corrected myself. Pulling a little bit away from him to not seem desperate for his touch. If he was disappointed by my actions he didn’t act like it. Instead, he just kept staring at the stupid anime that was on. I think another episode came on, but I wasn’t entirely sure. After all I wasn’t paying too much attention to the damn show in the first place. At any rate, he cleared his throat as he gave me a gentle nudge. Looking up, I noticed a thoughtful look on his face. Quietly, he asked,”Princess. Do you want to try walking again?”

“I think it would be really good practice for you.”,he explains rather quickly. It made me a little suspicious of his motives. I sort of really didn’t want to do this. But I did on some level want to practice walking. Sitting in one place started to make me uncomfortable. And I wanted to get better at walking on all fours like this. I knew I probably should start walking around. If I want to be able to escape this terrible place one day, I better start by doing these exercises. With this in mind I nodded my head in agreement with his words. Feeling that I shouldn’t speak. Cats don’t technically talk. And I was too prideful to start meowing like a damn cat. This seemed to excite him as he grabbed a remote from a table near the armchair. Turning off the T.V and setting it back down on that table. Carefully he picked me up from his lap and sat me down on the floor. Getting up to follow me as I began walking down the hallway to the kitchen. Annoying me slightly that he wouldn’t just let me have a moment alone.

But it made sense. Why wouldn’t he keep an eye on his pet? His barely mobile captive that he has an odd interest in. Of which I’m not entirely certain is platonic. Since his actions barely seem like such.

“That’s a good girl, Princess. You’re doing such a good job. Learning so fast.”,he praised. Somewhat silently encouraging me as I walked along the smelly and dirty carpet. I’m doing my best to resist the urge to roll my eyes at his words. Which felt so condescending and made me bristle as I walked forward. That annoying tone that I associate with people talking to their real animal pets. Sometimes with children if they were a big enough asshole to them. It takes everything in me not to turn around and bite him. Or anything that could get me hurt. Just walking forward. Though this time I was going a little slower than I had been before. It was difficult to want to keep walking with these words of ‘encouragement’. I almost wince as ‘Master’ cooed,”Such a good girl. That’s it. I’m so proud of how quick you’re picking this up.”

“Just like those girls in the comics do!”,he added. In a way that made my stomach twist in disgust. Of course he was equating real life with a comic. What kind of creep would he be if he didn’t? His tone affected me in a way that I hadn’t anticipated it was going to this time. My face burned with humiliation as we walked down the hallway that led to the kitchen. Trying to ignore the way that he laughs at me. Joking at how cute I look with a blush on my cheeks. Frowning a little as he kept complimenting me at how good of a job I was doing in his book. How such a good girl I was. In a low voice, he stated,”My beautiful little good girl. Such a fast learner.”

“Master is going to get you some more toys after this.”,he informed me. More toys? I realized that I didn’t even know what they were. And that he hadn’t shown me what they looked like just yet. And I was terrified to find out what exactly they are. Though I’m damn sure that I’m about to find out. I was dreading it. While he gently nudged me down another hallway that led to the left. Which I turned down the best that I could and started to walk to the staircase. It looked huge and I was terrified as I made my way over to them to start climbing them. They looked very steep in my book. Climbing up them seemed like a daunting task to me. And I had a feeling that this asshole wasn’t going to carry me up them this time.

After all, he seemed to want me to practice walking. I’m guessing he also wants me to practice walking up the stairs by myself. To give me a little independence. Isn’t this what this whole thing was about?

With a sigh, I carefully put my hands on the first step. I’m doing my best to climb up these steep stairs. Like I was a young kid all over again. Though I had a whole lot more freedom to run up the stairs that way. Putting one hand up then my knee. Putting the other hand above that as carefully as possible. Trying my hardest to not fall flat on my face as I climbed up the stairs. It didn’t feel all that great as I walked up these stairs. Though I did my best to ignore the pain as I focused on keeping my hand placement. Not wanting to fall flat on my face or roll down these stairs and get bruised. I had to be precise with my limb placement. As I feared that I would fall down the stairs against that asshole. Sure, I wouldn’t be able to knock him down. This guy outweighed me by quite a bit so knocking him down wasn’t going to happen.

He probably still would get pissed at me if I hurt him. Even if it’s the littlest bit. Quite possibly would beat me if he felt angry enough. Glancing over my shoulder I had this weird feeling he would do that. Just smash my head against the stairs until my face was just a gooey pulp.

Though as we went up the stairs in a slow fashion, he didn’t seem upset. Or tried to force me to go any faster. Somehow, he seemed to be fine with the pace I was going. Gently telling me that I didn’t need to move faster. That I shouldn’t rush walking up the stairs to keep myself safe. It strangely felt nice knowing that he was feeling patient about this. That he was perfectly fine with me going at my own pace. Some of my ex-boyfriends would get pissed at me for not moving fast enough in the past. Without the leg restraints and weird mittens. They would shove me to move faster or just walk ahead of me. Calling me a ‘dumb bitch’ and other things. Back when things were…well, I shouldn’t be thinking about these things. They didn’t matter right now. None of them were going to help me if they noticed that I was gone. Or care that I was gone. What matters right now is that I got to the top of the stairs. Getting to the top of the stairs made me feel a little prideful as I kept walking. He walks around me as carefully as possible. Patiently walking me down the hallway as I walked behind him. It still takes me a lot of effort to keep up with him as we made our way down the hallway.

Yet he didn’t seem to be upset with my slow pace. In fact, he slowed down a little so that I could better keep up. Soon as we got to the right door, he smiled down at me. Grasping at the door handle he opened the door for me. Which was dark. He held the door open for me as he motioned for me to walk in. For a second, I hesitated to walk inside. Figuring that I was going to get hurt or worse once I walked in. That he was going to assault me the second that I move inside. But I feared what he would do if I didn’t walk through the doorway. So, I just walked into the dark room that suspiciously didn’t smell like the rest of the garbage strewn home. After a few steps into the room, he turned on the light for me. In a gentle voice, he questioned,”So what do you think, Princess?”

“Is the room pretty enough for you?”,he continued. The room was not what I was anticipating it would be. It was a large room with pastel pink walls and a lot of soft-looking furniture. Which were all pastel colors as well. Green, yellow, blue, and a cute purple color as well. The furniture was rather large looking cat stuff. A bed, a small couch, a table, and a large cat tree. One that looked like it could support a human being. Something that I suspected cost him a pretty penny to have custom built. Since there’s no way that he could get this in a normal pet shop. There was also a large pink chest with red hearts on it that sat in the middle of the room. It made me terrified to figure out what Hell was inside of it. Considering all the things that he had done to me in the past, who knows how long. I was afraid of what I was going to find.

Chewing my bottom lip as I started to walk towards it. Feeling afraid that it would be like what was on me. Another plug or something worse. What could be worse than the gear that I have on? I’m not entirely sure. But I was terrified that I was going to find out when I looked in that box. Though when I peeked into the thing, I felt strangely relieved. There was nothing of the sort inside it. Instead, there were a lot of oversized cat toys inside of it. Several jingle toys that were kind of cute. Similarly colored to the furniture and walls inside of the room. A strange stuffed mouse that smelled like catnip. Though I’m not entirely sure that human beings could get high off it. Or what kind of benefits would it have for a normal human being. But I guessed I would figure that out sometime later. Instead, I used my nose to sort through the toys. Afraid that if I used my hands like a human that he would punish me for that action. A few seconds later, I found a large crinkle toy that was shiny and strangely beautiful. Picking it up with my teeth as I sort of just wanted to play with it. Setting it down on the ground, I bat at it. Sending that shiny crinkly toy across the room and making it crinkle a lot.

Soon I chased it as I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Batting at it like it was the best toy in the world. This was the most fun that I have had in a long time. It was also good practice for me to get used to these paw mittens and leg restraints. Helping me run and walk. Despite what this asshole thinks. He probably thinks that I love it. That I was going to start to love being here with him. Especially with the sweet little ‘compliments’ that he was throwing at me as I played. Sitting down on the floor next to the doorway. That door to the room that he left wide open. Probably not shutting it as he figured that I wouldn’t be able to run right now and escape. Or know how to walk down the stairs safe enough in this stuff. Doing my best to not picture myself falling down those stairs and cracking open my skull. The image flashing in my mind despite myself. And I ignore it like I ignore ‘Master’. Playing with the toy as I practice running. Hoping that I’ll get better at moving in these things soon. And I will be able to leave sometime in the future.

Good lord, please.