They All Die Laughing

They All Die Laughing

Everyone who had braved the elements this evening to come to this club, were all by now thinking that they had made the right decision, as no doubt they were all being thoroughly entertained, which was clear by the howls of laughter that engulfed the entire venue. But no one seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as Vic Smith, who was standing underneath the spotlight directly in the center of the stage with microphone in hand. Knowing that he had the audience, exactly where he wanted them.

“I must say Ladies and Gentlemen” he then begins by saying, “it`s been an absolute pleasure being up here tonight talking to all you lovely people but before I go, I must tell you this one last story.

“There was this eight-year-old lad who was bored at home one day, so he decided to sneak up to his mum and dad's bedroom, where he knew he wasn`t allowed to be, just so he can have a look around and be nosey.

“Anyway, after a couple a minutes and getting a few surprises when he went through his mum`s underwear drawer, he hears footsteps coming up the stairs, so he dives into the wardrobe to hide as he then hears his mum say, `You really are a naughty boy aren`t you`, “before he hears another voice say”, `you`re about to find out just how naughty I can be`. And he instantly knows, that wasn`t his dad`s voice.

“He starts to peak through the wardrobe door but all he can see is his mum laying on the bed with her back towards his and a man`s arm around her as he then suddenly hears. `I`m back, anyone home`.” He knew that was his dad.”

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“In her panic, his mum tells the stranger to hide in the wardrobe as she goes downstairs and the lad now finds himself, in the pitch black, with this stranger, who is trying desperately, to slow his heavy breathing down.”

`Who are you? And what are you doing with my mum? ` “The lad asks giving the stranger a fright.”

`What, who`s that? ` “asks the stranger.”

`It`s me, and what are you doing with my mum? `”” the lad asks again.”

`Where are you? `” the stranger then asks.”

`I`m stood here right next to you and you`d better tell me what you`re doing here, cause that`s my dad who`s just walked in and I`ll run down and tell him that you`re here ` “the lad says.”

`No, no, no, don`t do that, here` “the stranger then says as all the lad could then hear is a lot of fumbling around before he finds the lad`s hand. `Here taking this` “he says before they both then hear his mum saying quietly,” `It`s alright, he`s gone, but not for long`.

“The stranger couldn`t get out of that wardrobe and then out of the house fast enough leaving the lad stood there now the one hundred pounds that he now had in his hands.”

“Anyway, next Sunday at church, just as the service was finishing, the collection plate was being passed around. His dad puts in twenty pence. His mum puts in fifty pence. The lad puts in ten pounds, which makes his dad especially look at him and asks” `Where`d you get that money from?

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`Umm, I found it` “the lad says.”

`Where? ` “his dad asks.”

`Umm, I forgot` “the lad says.”

`Don`t believe you` “his dad says.”

`Honest dad, I did` “protests the lad, but his dad, wasn`t buying any of it.”

`How dare you lie to me, especially in the House of God. Right, now everyone is leaving, you get to the confession box and confess, got it. ` “his dad tells him.”

`But dad ` “the lad keeps protesting.”

`In confession, now` “dad tells him, the lad goes off in the sulk and goes off to confession, where he goes in, sits down, and says, `forgive me Father, but my dad thinks that I have sinned`, “to which the Priest answers” `Oh my God, not you again`.

Vic just couldn`t resist having a short burst of laughter himself as the entire audience once again laughed along with him.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, once again you`ve been a tremendous audience, and thank you all so much for listening to me tonight and have a safe journey home. I`m Vic Smith, and may you all be blessed. Goodnight.” He then leaves the stage not only to cheers, but to a near full standing ovation which made him feel extremely humble. Even though he was clearly on such a high, all he really wanted now was to get back to his dressing room, relax, maybe have a quiet drink, but there wasn`t much chance of that happening as no sooner had he set foot of the stage, then he was surrounded by a small group of female fans, which many people would say was hardly surprising, with his long wavy dark brown hair, designer stubble, and deep blue eyes, and with his shirt, with the first two buttons deliberately undone which no doubt underneath, was an extremely toned physique just waiting to burst out and all of which made Vic Smith look quite the dashing young man.

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“Oh Vic, that was fantastic, such a great show it really was” the first girl positively gushed in saying before the second, and slightly older girl, was quick to follow that sentiment.

“Oh yes Vic, she`s so right, you were amazing, I love watching your shows. You should get yourself on the television or something they`d love you because not only are you funny, but you look great. Far better than all the old comics who I used to watch growing up. They all wore huge bow ties, frilly shirts and almost all of them were overweight. None of them could certainly hold a candle to you Vic.”

He was certainly feeling very flattered by all these nice comments and he wasn`t meaning to be rude, but, out of the corner of his eye, about thirty or so feet away, at the end of a crowded bar where people were jostling to be served. There was a girl stood all alone. A girl which Vic

couldn`t fail to notice as not only because all the people wanting their drinks, just seemed to circle around without even, seemingly daring, to lay a single finger on her as she appeared to be well above this working-class environment that she was in. With her long golden locks of hair which easily reached down to her shoulders and the very moment she realized that he had spotted her. She made a point of slowly unzipped her red leather jacket and stopping to show just enough of her more than ample cleavage as he looked her up and down and could only imagine how amazing her curves would look in the flesh and not hidden underneath her jacket and how shapely her legs would look if they were not being covered by her tight black leather trousers and thigh high boots, as neither one could take their eyes of each other for the moment before, with a flick of her hair, tilts her head to one side before making her way to the back entrance ensuring that he has seen exactly where she has gone as she then leaves before the third girl asks.

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“Vic, where do you get all your jokes and material from?” Vic was suddenly back to his little fan club.

“Sorry, just drifted off for a second. It`s been a long day and firstly, that`s very nice of you to say about me getting on television, but to be perfectly honest with you, this is more like a hobby to me, get some spare cash you know, and as for my material…”

“Before you answer” the third girl interrupts, “I don`t suppose that I could be cheeky, and ask for a kiss, could I?”

Vic`s eyebrow was certainly raised on hearing this, as it was clear that she was quite a pretty young thing and seeing how she did ask nicely, how could he refuse. So, he thought that he would be brave enough and make the first move and begins to lean in.

“Oh, just thought I`d warn you, I had extra garlic bread with my lasagna a little while ago, what can I say, I love the stuff and I didn`t bring any mints” the girl says with a smile as she begins to lean in as well but Vic couldn`t pull away quickly enough.

“Garlic?” he asks.

“Err, yeah” she answers, being taken a little aback.

“Oh, I`m sorry, won`t be able to kiss you just right now. I`m allergic to it, quite badly as a well” he says.

“Really, garlic? Well, I`ve never heard of that before” she says as her friends promptly both say the same thing.

“Yes, the slightest hint of it, either by touch or taste and I blow up like a balloon and I must be rushed to hospital. It`s not a pretty sight I can tell you, and I`m sure that no one wants that to happen, especially me” he says with a smile as all three girls agreed as the first one then says. “No, of course not, can`t have anything happen to that lovely face of yours.”

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“That`s very kind of you to say, right, it`s been lovely to meet you all, but if you`ll excuse me, I do need to go and freshen up a little bit” says Vic remaining polite and humble from the admiration that he was receiving.

“Yes, of course, but we`ll be around for a little while longer yet, so if you want to, maybe we could all meet up for a drink once you`ve freshened up?” was the second girl`s suggestion which went down well with her two friends as now, both of Vic`s eyebrows were well and truly raised as all three were very pretty indeed.

“Well, how can I refuse such an offer” Vic begins as he looks lustfully as discreetly as he could at all three of them in turn which not one of the girls spotted. “I`ll be delighted to join you all for a drink, but I must insist on buying the first round, okay.” He got no argument at all on that one as all the girls said they`d wait for him by the bar as he headed off towards his dressing room.

As the old saying goes, `You can hardly swing a cat in here`, but that didn`t appear to bother Vic in the slightest. Nor did the fact that the lightbulb was so dim it looked as though it was about to go out at any second and there was only a sink, a cheap looking wooden table a chair and an even cheaper looking clothes rail for his coat and dirty white-coloured walls. All this was just `path of the course`, to most of the clubs that he had performed in over the recent months.

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From underneath the table, he produces an old and tattered looking wooden box which he places on the table. He opens it and takes out a positively ancient looking dark green coloured decanter which had a long and slender neck and a very round and flat looking bottom which he places carefully on the table along with a solitary, small, exact matching coloured glass, as he finds very difficult to resist the temptation. “Just the one I think” he says taking the top off the decanter and slowly watching, what looked like Port like, trickle slowly in the glass which, when was full, places the top back on the decanter, raises his glass, checks the bouquet, before drinking it all in one.

“Ahh, 1875, was a very good year. Definitely feeling a lot better for that” he says before putting the decanter, along with the glass, back in the box, which he locks and places back underneath the table before having a quick check on his appearance. “Right, so, looking okay, now let`s see if the blonde girl is really outside waiting for me” he says as leaving his dressing room.

Yet another loud rumble of thunder was swiftly followed by another flash of lighting as the rain seemed to have no desire of easing up anytime soon none of which bothered the blonde-haired girl as she just stood, almost frozen like, in a doorway which had a Green Lit Fire Escape sign above her and was directly opposite the backdoor of the club, which was clearly indicated by the Red Lit and white letters saying `Rear Entrance`, and looking like she had no intention of leaving as undoubtedly, she had something that needed to be done. The back door to the club then opened as Vic appeared, which she seemed very pleased about. He also seemed pleased to be there, but purely from the point of view of any normal red-blooded male as he couldn`t help but admire her cleavage which she still had proudly on display.

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“Good evening” says Vic in a very gentlemanly manner to which the girl says nothing. “Oh, the silent type, very well, that`s more than acceptable with me, but if you don`t mind me making a suggestion. Now, it may not be much which, is probably somewhat of an understatement, but I do have a dressing room, with a nice bottle of something chilled already there which I would be more than happy to offer you a glass or two, and maybe after that, we could go and have dinner somewhere, and as it happens I know a nice little place not too far from here. Which of course will be on me. And we could get to know each other. Perhaps we could start now by telling me your name.”

Once again, the girl said nothing, she just continued to stare intensely at Vic who, by now, was beginning to think, that no matter how good she looked, this was nothing more than a waste of his time, so he turns his back and was just about to open the club door.

“You don`t know who am I do you?” the girl suddenly asks which made Vic suddenly stop and turn back to face her.

“Well, to be fair, that`s not for the want of trying on my part” he says with a grin before continuing. “Look, if you`re not going to even give me your name, then I see no point in this continuing so, if you`ll excuse me, I`ve got three other girls back in there, all just dying to have some drinks with me.”

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“My name`s Natasha” the girl suddenly begins by saying, “I know that you don`t know me, but I know about you” she tells him.

“Oh really, are you a fan by any chance? If you are then I`d be happy to sign something for you but I don`t do photographs as I don`t care much for people putting photos over that awful Facebook thing, or any other form of social media for that matter as I do like my privacy” he tells her.

“No, not a fan” Natasha begins, “far from it to be honest with you. But my sister, Lucinda, she was fast becoming a fan of yours, after she first saw you perform at The Real Laughter Club, just outside Taunton, a couple of months ago. She followed you for a while, went to see you in Bristol, Appledore, and Lyme Regis, which is where I believe you to had drink together.” Vic begins to think hard.

“Lucinda…Lucinda…Lucinda…Oh, of course, I remember her now. How could I ever forget. Nice girl, brown curly hair, one lazy eye one glass eye, wooden leg had a fondness for Sea Shanti`s and Rum” he says jokingly to which Natasha, clearly did not see the funny side at all.

“Do you really think that`s funny?” she sneers at him.

“Well, I`m willing to go back in there and on stage and try it out on the audience” he says still smiling, but Natasha still wasn`t seeing any humor at all in what he was saying. “Oh, come on, I was just trying to lighten the mood a little, it`s what I do.”

“Not this time you didn`t” she says continuing to sneer at him.

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“Yes, I can see that. Very well, I`m sorry, I apologize if I`ve offended you in anyway, alright. And being honest yes, now you`ve mentioned her name, I do remember Lucinda, she was a nice girl and yes, we had a drink together after my show. Not a lot happened it was just a drink or two, we made each other laugh, and then we parted, and I haven`t seen her since. How is she?” Vic asks politely as Natasha tells him bluntly. “She`s dead.”

Vic looks visibly shocked on hearing this. “Oh, my word, that`s terrible, my deepest condolences. If there`s anything that I can do, please ask.”

“Yes, she was found not far from that club you played at. Neck snapped, and throat ripped out. Just like Amanda Bunting from Taunton, Lucy Fordham from Bristol, Jenny Wilson from Appledore, all the same, necks snapped, and throats ripped out. And all on the same nights that you performed in those places. Coincidence? I seriously doubt that” she says.

“What!” A now shocked Vic begins by saying. “You think that I had something to do with them?”

“Oh yes, especially my sister. You see, she text me after that drink or two that you had together, telling me that she felt there was something very wrong about you. In fact, she was scared of you, so scared that she wanted me to come and pick her up but, I was too late, wasn`t I” she says with more than a hint of accusation in her voice as in somewhat disbelief, Vic, just shakes his head.

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“Again, my deepest condolences for your loss, but I can assure you that I had nothing to do with it I mean, you say that whoever did this ripped out her throat, I faint at the sight of my own blood, so I wouldn`t be able to look at a single drop of anyone else`s” he says maintaining his innocence but Natasha, still wasn`t believing him in the slightest.

“You killed her, I know you did” she says.

“But how did you know that I did?” Vic asks.

“Lucinda never scared easily but when she did, it was for a good reason, and looking at you now, I totally get why she was plus like I said just now, it`s no coincidence that you were performing in the same places as the other girls. It was you. I know it” she says.

“My dear Natasha, you know nothing about me. Or what you are dealing with at this very moment” he says as a chilling warning. But Natasha`s anger towards him ensured that she paid no attention to the warning and without giving it any rational thought whatsoever, from the back of her trousers, she produces a handgun and points it directly at Vic.

“You know exactly what happened to my sister, and now, you`re going to pay for it” Natasha says before sliding back the barrel ensuring that the weapon is now fully cocked.

“Whoa, hang on now Natasha, calm down. I promise you, that I know nothing about your sister`s death” Vic says trying to retreat but only succeeding in backing into the door.

“You`re a liar” she says with a snarl.

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“Honestly, I`m not” Vic continues to protest but it fell on deaf ears as without any further hesitation, Natasha pulls the trigger and Vic rebounds off the door and is now lying face down on the ground.

Unperturbed by the still persistent rain, Natasha, now looking extremely pleased with herself, began calmly walking until she was stood over Vic`s motionless and seemingly lifeless body. “One more to be sure” she then says as pointing the gun directly between his shoulder blades and with finger on the trigger, suddenly there was a flash of lighting which lit up the entire night sky and the very next thing that Natasha knew, Vic was back on his feet and now eyeball-to-eyeball with her with his now claw like hand clutching tightly against her throat, his forehead now extended upwards and cheekbones clearly prominent and his eyes are now blood-red in colour as he slowly opens his mouth to reveal his razor-sharp fangs leaving Natasha too petrified to even scream as, without her feet even touching the ground, she finds herself back in the doorway which she emerged from crashing into the door in the process.

“A man walks into a bar one night, he suddenly says, `OWW, I must watch where I am walking in future. Do you get it? Do you?” Vic says in a voice at least three tones deeper than his normal one as Natasha remained too petrified to say anything. “No? Never mind, they`ll be plenty of others who will” he says as he begins looking at her neck, and with only one thought on his mind, to sink his fangs into it which he does and without any further ado, begins draining the life out of Natasha and in no time at all, she was nothing more than a lifeless corpse in his hand as with one flick of his wrist, snaps her neck just to make sure before, and this was just for his own personal pleasure, rips out her throat in a single movement which he throws onto the ground where two rats begin to squabble over it, before a third one appears and takes it off them.

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He savours the last of the blood by licking each fang in turn before looking at his latest victim, wondering what to do with her. He then spies about thirty meters away, underneath a streetlight, an Industrial Waste Bin marked for General Waste. And it was with comparative ease, that he carried Natasha`s body over to it, lifted the lid, and just dumped her inside, closing the lid as he walked calmly back to the club. As he did so, his face began returning to its normal state and his fangs soon retracted back into his gums.

When he reached the Rear Entrance, he was back to his normal dashing looking self apart from the fact there was a hole in the stomach part of his shirt where he had been shot. “Lucky that I have another clean one here and ready to wear before I meet those three girls for a drink” he says in his usual tone of voice before opening the door and going back into the club.

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