The Seven Lively Sins

Helga and Steve caught each other's gaze. Helga smiled and Steve turned away. Then to Helga's surprise, Steve said the most romantic thing she had heard all week, "Welcome to Bub's Burgers, what can I get for you?"

Helga was not exactly sure why she admired Steve. He was quiet, adorably shy, very well-spoken and hardworking. Actually, maybe that was it. She did not know if Steve's work ethic was a curse or a blessing. He probably got paid more than her and he barely took his lunch break, so he must be rewarded in some way. However, there was something even more concerning to Helga. Steve sometimes acted as if she did not exist. Never has a man been so oblivious to (in her humble opinion) her irresistible looks.

Steve looked at his watch, 3:06 PM. He had just had a pleasant conversation with a lady who explained at least four times, all very repetitively, that she didn't want pickles in her Bub Burger. To make matters worse on this hellish shift, Steve had skipped lunch again because Bub's Burgers was completely possessed with hungry customers.

Helga had seen Steve leave the counter and rush to pick up a black notebook, he looked horrified around the room and burst out of Bub’s Burgers and into the streets of Hell's Kitchen.

Steve touched the black notebook, he felt hot, like he was standing in Hell's barbecue. "You are the one out of everyone in this ‘restaurant’ to summon us?" said a grey ghost in the shape of a tear drop, six more ghosts circled Steve. They were all roughly his height at 6'0'' but were all like floating tear drops. The grey one had a goatee. The red one had sideburns, a moustache and a neck beard, all lined up perfectly. He was clearly the 'muscle' of the group as he had huge arms and broad shoulders while the others had tiny ‘T-Rex’ arms. The pink one had no facial hair and for some strange reason a six pack of abs? "That chick is hot!" said the pink ghost, staring at Helga. The brown one was obese, and the remaining green, orange and blue ghosts were all identical to the grey ghost except they did not have the goatee. None had legs. Steve ran out of Bub's Burgers like a madman.

"Ghosts!" Steve shrieked from his humble apartment. "Shut the fuck up you cry baby" said the red one. "Listen to me Steve and hear me very well" said the grey one with a level of conciseness the other ghosts lacked. "We are not weak ghosts, we are demons, I am Pride, pink is Lust, red is Wrath, green is Greed, orange is Sloth, blue is Envy, and I am sure you aren’t dumb enough to know who that fat brown bastard is". "I could really go for a burger" said the brown one, nonchalantly. "Shut the fuck up Gluttony" Wrath barked. "The Seven Deadly Sins!" exclaimed Steve. Pride turned his head to Steve. "WE ARE NOT THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS...the Seven Deadly Sins are based on us."

"Please leave me alone"

"Why Steve? so you can continue your directionless life? Are you not ashamed of yourself? You work a job filled with unfruitful efforts; you can’t speak to a woman that is clearly infatuated with you. A paraplegic could walk over you Steve."

Pride was without a doubt the most logical of the group but- "How do you know all this?"

"I AM IN YOUR HEAD STEVE and believe me, you could use a demon in your life so you can start living for yourself."

"We could help you get that totally hot babe" Lust said with unrealistic enthusiasm on this surreal night.

"And sleep better" Sloth interjected.

"I could really go for a burger"

"GLUTTONY, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Envy hunched forward and with child-like innocence told Steve "We can help you make your life better than everybody else's, not everyone is blessed enough to have a demon."

Steve wondered how he would be able to leave his house with seven demons by his side. "They can’t see us, you fucking idiot" Pride said instinctively, "only you can".

Steve and the demons talked until 3:06AM, it was Sloth who finally convinced Steve to "chill out" and "just let them do their thing man". Maybe the demons weren't bad, maybe Steve could gain something from them. After all, Pride was right about everything that night. From his analysis of Steve's crippling social abilities, to his unexplored potential to date Helga freaking Nilsson, to his "fucking ridiculous" love of peanut butter and cheese sandwiches. He knew Steve more than anyone in the world, they all did, and if Helga knew this, that thought would take her heart. If the demons can help win Helga, Steve might actually keep them around.

"WE FUCKING DID IT!" Lust ecstatically proclaimed. Steve would not stop smiling, his only regret was that he had to wait three days for his date with Helga.

"WE FUCKING DID IT AND SHE'S ACTUALLY HOT"

Pride put everyone in check. "Lust, get a hold of yourself"

"You bet I will!"

Three days later, Steve came to two astounding conclusions. The first conclusion was that the demons weren't bad! Sure, Lust could be annoying, flicking on the porn channel when Steve was focusing on other things, Wrath looked like he wanted to beat the shit out of Gluttony and Gluttony continued to say, "I could really go for a burger". However, they were actually appearing to help Steve! Sloth eliminated Steve’s sleep deprivation. Gluttony made sure Steve would eat even if it was excessive and most impressively, Lust, Greed and Pride had all convinced Steve to join a gym and work on his image. Together, they made a pretty good burger. Steve's second conclusion was that his dinner with Helga was in 6 minutes. He was running late and blamed Sloth.

“Table for two please” Steve said with a jolt of confidence. He had his arm around Helga's side. The waiter looked like a caricature. There's no way in hell his appearance would land him any other job but this.

"I’m sorry monsieur; we do not currently have a table for you."

"Beat the shit out of him" Wrath barked.

"What about that one?" Steve pointed to a free table in the distance.

"That is reserved monsieur."

"Bribe him" Pride recommended.

"Please don't" Greed cried out.

Steve showed the waiter a $50 note. The waiter instantly took the cash and said, "Right this way monsieur".

"See" began Pride, turning to Wrath, "violence doesn't solve EVERYTHING."

"I could really go for a bur-"

Wrath uppercutted Gluttony and said to Pride "like Hell, it doesn't!"

THAT was AMAZING Helga thought, as she curled her arm around Steve's bare chest. She would never have guessed that Steve, a shy and boyishly charming man would be quite the opposite in bed and for no less than 6 hours!

That was terrible Steve thought. He could only see Lust as the other demons had disappeared. It was not that Helga had in any way made the experience bad for Steve, in fact he thought they were quite good for each other when it came to sexual compatibility. The terrible feeling intruding Steve's mind was Lust himself. He had not let Steve for one-minute think about anything other than lust. He was told every move to make and had to bear Lust's commentary, starting from his first remark "I thought her boobs would be bigger". Lust had made this a terrible experience. Steve now knew the difference between making love and having sex. Intimacy and performing. He had never grasped these distinctions. He never made love to Helga that night, but he hoped that he could one day.

Steve and the demons were getting coffee the next day. "I don’t like that guy…who the fuck still wears a fedora" Wrath said, “You should go beat the shit out of him.”

"I don’t think I will beat the shit out of anyone"

An old lady turned and looked at Steve. "I'm on a call lady, mind your business" Steve forcefully said.

"I could really go for a burger."

Before anyone could get angry at Gluttony, Greed spontaneously appeared and said, "Guess what!"

"Fedora man has a big fucking wallet".

Steve was really impressed at the size of his wallet.

"I am gonna reveal myself and take his money" Greed said.

Surely you can’t do that Steve thought, but what happened next is all a blur to Steve… his temperature rose as greed moved in for the money.

"BOO MOTHERFUCKER" greed yelled in the face of fedora man. Fedora man's scream was worse than a little girl. "DROP YOUR WALLET ON THE FLOOR OR I’LL SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL". Steve ran in and picked up the wallet, he chased after the man to give him his wallet back, but fedora man was petrified and would not stop. Steve counted the money in the wallet. $20,000 lay in Steve's palms.

Steve ran home and didn't say a word to the demons. "The demon did it" wasn't the soundest court room argument and he now felt guilty of a crime. This deal is getting worse he thought. "Well of course it is you fucking idiot, that’s part of the 'deal with a demon' trope" Pride said matter-of-factly. He was in Steve's head even if he didn't say a word to them. Now Steve had become wrath.

"YOU HAVE ALL BEEN NOTHING BUT A BURDEN FOR ME. I HAVE NOT HAD A SINLESS MOMENT ALL WEEK, OR A QUIET ONE. YOU FUCKED UP THE NIGHT I LOST MY VIRGINITY AND NOW YOU'VE CREATED A SCENARIO WHERE I HAVE STOLEN A MAN'S WALLET!"

"I could really go for a burg-"

"GLUTTONY, SHUT THE FUCK UP" Steve demanded.

He thought of Helga and said, "Don’t you all know love?"

At that instant all seven demons burst into roaring and condescending laughter.

"You really need us Steve" Pride said regaining his composure.

"You need Jesus" Steve said.

In perfect sync, all seven demons fled to the end of the room. Steve could see the fear in their eyes. He had not guessed this would shut them up. To think that he could have previously shut them up by saying "Jesus Christ" was glorious.

"Don’t say that name" Pride whimpered, and at the sound of that, Steve had an idea.

"You don’t want to do this Steve" Pride bargained, "YOU NEED US...would you look at me, START ACTING PROFESSIONAL" Steve was power walking. Wrath became a giant and floated right in front of Steve. Steve ran out of Wrath. "You think that getting religion will save you from us? you think you will ever be free of us? WE ARE YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT THE FRUITS OF YOUR SINS." Steve rebutted "the devil's greatest trick was convincing the world that he never existed."

"YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE DEVIL" Pride screamed.

"YOU DONT EVEN KNOW YOUR CAREER PATH, YOU NEED US AND IF YOU DO THIS, YOU'RE MAKING A BIG FUCKING MISTAKE."

Steve carried himself into Holy Cross Church and dropped two things.

1. The black book he had found almost a week ago, with a note stuck to it saying, "please burn and do not read".

2. The wallet of fedora man with a note saying, "please turn into the authorities."

Pride said weakly to Steve "we will always be with you" and they all disappeared. Steve said a prayer for his parents, whispered "Sorry" and walked.

Helga and Steve caught each other's gaze. Helga smiled and Steve smiled back. Then to Helga's surprise, Steve said the most romantic thing she had heard all week, "Do you want to grab dinner after this shift?"

"Of course!" Helga blushingly said. "What do you feel like?"

We will always be with you

...

"I could really go for a burger"