Say Her Name

I didn’t feel like drinking with my friends tonight. I’m just sitting at the bar, watching Joel and George, twins, take back the Monday night special; one beer and one shot for $5. Hennesey’s is always the Monday night spot us college kids to rush to, despite having 8 AM’s, well in my case, 9:30’s. The bar is starting to swelter with the heat of so many bodies crammed inside, and the music pounding in my ears won’t allow any fantasies to get my mind off of her.

“Hey, did Alecia text you back, bro?” I heard Joel’s voice shouting over the song, the bass echoing in my chest.

“Yeah, she did,” I shouted back. “She said she has to close at work tonight, so she’ll get here around 12:30, maybe 1.”

“Well, fuck! She’s gonna be here at last call!” Joel said.

“Let’s do another round?” George asked, peering around the table at the two of us, then signaling to the bar. “Is that Delaney? Standing by the bar?” George said, squinting his eyes.

“Where? I don’t see her.” Joel said back, pointing to the right.

“No, dude, to the left, all the way to the left! She’s wearing that 666 crop top that she always wears and it pisses off my calculus teacher.” George said, smiling.

College has really opened up my mind to the ideas of different types of people. George is the biggest fuck-boy I know, getting a degree in biochemical engineering. In the past, I had always gone off of stereotypes, nerds like math, but that’s not the case. Same with the girl they’re talking about, Delaney. I peered over at her, and yes, she is wearing the 666 crop-top, high waisted black shorts with hot pink fishnets, and I’m always drawn to her matching hot pink hair.

“Yo, Delaney! Come sit with us!” Joel practically screamed over the thumping music. Delaney saw us, giving a wave and motioning to her girlfriend that they were coming to sit with us. Her pink head bobbed in the crowd, getting closer and closer.

“Hey, George!” She said, smiling wide. “Good to see you, Joel and Matt.” She said smiling at us. “You guys remember my partner, Lydia?” She asked us.

“Yeah, yeah, sit down! How are you, Lydia?” George asked.

I let the thick sound waves of rap and pop music take over my eardrums as I kept scanning the room for my ex. She’s not going to show up, she knows this is where me and my buds go on Monday nights. I should probably have a drink, loosen up a bit, maybe talk to a girl, make new friends. But, I just really don’t want to take back a shot right now. I don’t want to even say her name. Heartbreaks have always hurt me, but this one has got me a little worse than the others. The bass pounding in my chest is a better feeling than that obvious empty feeling. My flushing ribcage, empty, because my heart has flown away, forever following hers.

“Matt? Matt, are you gonna drink with us?” Delaney’s voice slapped my face, bringing me back into reality.

“Huh? What?” I asked.

“Are you gonna do the special? I’m gonna go order three, do you want one?” She asked.

“Oh, shit, sorry, no, I’m not drinking tonight,” I said, forcing out a smile.

“Are you still sad about Amethyst?” There it is, someone finally uttered her name, God knows I wasn’t going to.

“Yeah he’s still fucking sad, he’s been in his room for two days, blasting Mazzy Star,” Joel shouted, outing my sadness. I sighed, looking down at the table, biting my bottom lip, a trick my mother taught me when I was younger.

“It’s OK to be sad, but don’t let anyone see you cry, just bite your bottom lip to stop the tears!” I can hear her voice ringing in my ears now, instead of the music.

“Matt, hey, Matt.” I heard Delaney’s voice again, swallowed the tears, and looked at her dark eyes. “Breakups FUCKING SUCK. Just get drunk tonight, and throw up all the memories in the morning. You sure you don’t want a beer and shot?” She asked, standing now.

“I’m sure. If I drink, I’ll want to call, can’t be doing that.” I said. Delaney smiled, disappearing into the sea of bodies to find a bartender.

“Did you guys break up this past weekend?” I heard Lydia ask.

“Uh, yeah, she ended things on Saturday morning,” I said, crossing my arms. Freshman year I learned that crossing your arms over your chest or crossing your ankles meant you were uncomfortable or nervous. I looked down at my ankles, sure enough, they’re crossed.

“Sorry, Matt,” Lydia said, reaching her arm across the table to give me an enthusiastic squeeze. “If you want, my friend Elena just got out of a relationship too, maybe you two could smash?” She offered. Joel started laughing.

“This guy does not do hook-ups. He’s every girl’s dream-boy. Sensitive.” Joel said, poking my bicep.

“That’s right! You’re majoring in creative writing right? You do poetry?” Lydia asked. Before I could answer Joel said. 'Yes.' I can feel my throat getting caught in my emotions, time to go.

“Bathroom, be back in a sec,” I said, getting up and pushing my way through the crowd. I wish I could give these ladies an ‘excuse me’ as I walked by, but they wouldn’t hear me anyway. Amethyst, Amethyst, Amethyst. There, I said her name, can I move on now?

“Ouch! What the hell?!” I heard a voice from behind me, spinning around I see a tiny red-head. “You stepped on my foot!” She shouted.

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” I said. She started laughing a bit.

“We can call it even if you buy me a drink.” She said, touching my arm. Her hand felt cool against my skin, it was refreshing.

“A drink? What do you want?” I asked.

“Absolute and cranberry!” She said, practically falling onto me. I don’t know why, but I so badly wanted to hug her.

“Will you be here? Or will you-”

“Actually, come outside with me!” She said, beaming, grabbing my hand and leading me outside. As she pulled me through the crowd I saw Joel and George giving me a thumbs up. Oh, God, I’ll never hear the end of this one.

“Oh, it feels so much nicer out here.” The red-headed girl said. “Do you smoke?” she asked me.

“Smoke what?” I replied, curious.

“Meth.” Her face was so serious, looking me dead in my eyes for what felt like 10 minutes.

“Uh, I gotta-” She burst out laughing at my stammering.

“Just kidding, pot.” She pulled a joint out from behind her ear, holding it up in the air, presenting its beauty. I started laughing a bit.

“Oh, you really had me there for a second. Yeah, I’ll take a hit.” I said, smiling.

She brushed her short orange hair behind her ear and whipped out her lighter, sparking it up, inhaling and puffing on the joint. If I was a painter, I’d paint her hands, light, and delicate, she reached the joint out to me. Her plume of smoke disappeared into the night sky.

“So, what’s your name?” She asked, cooly.

“Matt. What about you?” I asked, desperately trying to match her cool demeanor.

“Citrine.” Could I ever catch a break with women whose names are gemstones? Her dark amber eyes invited me in, but I was stopped by fear.

“I have a crazy question to ask you,” Citrine said. That fear I was thinking of, now multiplied itself in my stomach, creating a knot so tight I’m not sure I could untie it. I inhaled another puff of her joint, handing it back.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” I asked, trying to exhale my fear. She reached her hand into her black shorts, pulling out two tiny pieces of paper.

“Want to drop with me?” She asked, gazing into my eyes, drawing me in.

“Y- yes.” I know it was me who said ‘yes’, but why don’t I remember my lips moving, or hearing my voice.

Citrine handed me the tiny paper with a pyramid on it.

“On three. One, two, three!” She squealed, sticking the tiny paper onto her tongue, I did the same. I used to do tons of acid Freshman year with Amethyst, here’s to a new gemstone girl.

“You wanna go back inside?” I asked.

“I’d rather go for a walk.” She said, grabbing my hand, but this time I felt her fingers interlock around mine.

“Let me go grab my things from the table,” I said.

“Can I come with?” She asked.

“Yeah, of course,” I told her.

We walked back inside and the heat hit me like I was at Lake Havasu during summer break. I got back to the table, still holding Citrine’s hand.

“Hey guys, I’m heading out. This is Citrine.” I grabbed my keys.

“Hi!” I heard Citrine shout, no one acknowledged her. What the hell?

“Anyway, see you in the morning. Bye Delaney and Lydia.” I smiled, waving a bit.

We walked out of the bar and the cool air refreshed my soul as soon as we stepped outside.

“So, do you go to Cal State too?” She asked me.

“Yeah, I’ve got three more semesters, and then I’m done.”

“Oh, nice. What’s your major?”

“Creative writing.”

“Neat. What do you like writing about, Matt?” My knees buckled at the sound of my name coming out of her mouth.

“Fiction mostly, poetry too.”

“Oh, I love poetry. Wordsworth is my favorite of the Romantics. Keats too. Have you heard of Rudy Francisco? He’s a local San Diego poet. Beautiful poetry. He has a Youtube channel too, you should check him out.” Citrine said.

“Keats is great. Maybe we could read Rudy’s stuff together sometime.”

“I would love to do that. Hey, down this alley is a shortcut to my apartment, I wanna grab a jacket. Is that cool?” She asked.

“Yeah of course. So what about you?” I asked.

“Huh?”

“What’s your major?”

“Oh! Right, sorry. It’s uh, astronomy.”

“Astronomy? That’s really cool. How long have you been into that?”

“Since I was little. When I was about to turn 7, I BEGGED my dad for this telescope. I can’t remember the name or model, but it was pretty professional for the early 2000s. Anyway, I remember my dad laughing and being like, ‘Citrine you’re 7 years old, you don’t need a $2,000 telescope!’ So he got me this cutesy $100 one. Every night I would drag my older sister outside with me to look at the craters on the moon. Speaking of the moon, I’m a Cancer.” She flashed me a look, I could tell she wanted to know my astrological sign too.

“I’m a Pisces,” I said.

“How fitting! You love poetry, and I can tell you’re super sensitive.”

“Oh yeah? How so?” I asked.

“It’s written all over your face! Your eyes are really soft too.” She said, gently taking my hand into hers. She’s staring at my lips, causing more knots to form in my stomach. I hadn’t noticed all the tiny freckles littered throughout her face, and those amber eyes kept drawing me in. Her face started to make me laugh as I felt her lips press against mine. It’s as if I’m being pulled into another world as I kiss her, her body melting into mine. How can a woman be so warm and so cool all at once? Her short hair brushing through my fingers feels amazing, her scalp is so soft. Those knots in my stomach finally untied themselves as she pulled away. The world felt dizzy, but holding her hands was so stable.

“I need to put in my door code,” Citrine said.

“Your what?” I asked, feeling the weight of the world bouncing off of my shoulders. I can hear cars driving by, where are they? She started laughing, but she sounded far away, but I could see her swirling hair right here.

“We’re at my complex, I gotta punch in these numbers. #0362” She said, beeping the numbers. “Not to sound like I’m on acid, but isn’t that beeping hilarious?” She said, laughing hysterically. Her infectious laughing came down on me, and I was struck with a case of giggles myself now.

“Come on,” she pulled me through the door into the lobby. “Hey, Gustavo!” She waved at the man behind the security desk, I waved at him too. He looked over at us, giving us a very puzzling look. Maybe Citrine is kind of a weirdo? Maybe he’s just wondering what we’re doing out so late. “Gustavo is so cool! He’s always protecting the apartment, that’s so noble of him!” Citrine said, pulling me again, but this time into an elevator.

“Let’s jump!” She said, laughing and jumping in the moving elevator. I burst with laughter again, shouting, “No, Citrine stop! What if-” I couldn’t control my laughing. “What if we break it?!” I yelled, tears forming in my eyes as she kept trying to break the elevator.

DING!

“What the fuck was that?” I said, ducking. Citrine started laughing again.

“We’re at my floor, the third floor that is.”

We walked into her apartment, it was amazing inside. A giant tapestry with the night sky printed on it hung on the wall, with glow in the dark stars all around.

“Hey, May! I love saying that!” I heard her say. May? Huh?

“Hey, Citrine.” Hearing someone else’s voice startled me as I jumped a bit.

“When did she get here?” I asked, giggling through my words.

“Oh, right. Matt, this is May, my roommate.” Citrine said, pointing at another girl peering over her laptop, she gave me an uninterested wave.

“We’re frying right now,” Citrine said.

“Nice. Have fun.” May said.

“Hey, I’m gonna grab a jacket, be right back!” Citrine said, disappearing behind the hallway.

The room felt long, it felt dirty. I wanted to clean the twisted corners and get all the dirt out of them. Or what if I got my toothbrush and scrubbed the tile grout?

“Ready?” I heard her voice as she appeared with a tie-dye sweater.

“Y- Yes.” I stammered.

“Bye, May!” Citrine yelled, closing the door behind her.

Getting to the park was difficult, but it was fun as we laughed the entire walk.

“Okay, Matt, you’re super lucky it’s a clear night out. I’m gonna teach you about all of these constellations.” Citrine said.

“Can I kiss you first?” I asked. Citrine looked at me with stars in her eyes.

“Yes, of course. Never ask again.” She said as we leaned in together, creating an electric love that shocked my nerves. Her kiss burnt me to the core, and I’d never loved getting burnt so much. No, no, not love, just like. Don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s just the drugs. She pulled away, pointing above us.

“Okay, see that big star? If you try to stare at it, it looks kinda blue, right?” She asked.

“Yes.” I had no idea what star she was talking about, but I didn’t want her to stop talking to me about the heavens above us.

“Okay, look a little to the left, then down that row of stars, look all the way to the right along that string of stars, and then to that little cluster. You see it?” She asked, pointing that gentle hand to the sky.

“Yeah, I see it.” I lied.

“That’s the Pisces constellation. Your sign.” She said.

“Wow. Where’s yours?” I asked.

“Not visible right now. In a few months, we’ll be able to see it. In January, maybe December.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I don’t see. But, you know what I mean, right?” I asked.

“Of course.” She said, laughing again. The silence with her is nothing but pleasant. I was melting into the grass with her, just staring at our universe.

“Can I kiss you?” She asked me.

“I thought we weren’t asking?” I said. She smiled at me, grabbing my face, giving me ecstasy through her lips. I can hear that song in my head, ‘And every time we kiss I swear I can fly’ What the hell? Am I falling in love, or is it the acid? Either way, I want to see her again, forever. I lay back down into the grass, holding her hand.

“Wow. That’s so beautiful.”

“A shooting star.” She whispered as the star’s tail dragged through the sky. “Close your eyes. Make a wish.” I heard her voice say as she let go of my hand. I closed my eyes, imagining how sweet her closed eyes must look too.

“I wish I could kiss you again,” I whispered back. She said nothing. I reached for her hand, but I couldn’t find it.

“Citrine?” I whispered. Silence. And not that enjoyable silence I felt moments ago. I sat up quickly, looking around. The darkness of the park took over, like an infection. I sat alone, staring every way, I’m alone, but how? I spun around searching for bright orange hair. Spinning my head around and causing strain in my neck.

“Citrine? Please don’t fuck with me right now.” I said while standing up. My body didn’t feel light anymore. I’m heavy, standing in this park. “Hey, Citrine, come out!” I yelled. What the heck? Did I fall asleep and she went home? I checked my phone, it was 3:55 AM. It was just midnight, wasn’t it? I can walk back to her place, I never got her number.

As I walked the three blocks back to her complex, the world stopped spinning and I stopped smiling so hard. The knots came back and all I could think of was her, Citrine. Oh no, what was that number combo to get in? Pound… zero? Dammit. Someone opened the door to walk out, I couldn’t see their face.

“Citrine?” I asked, squinting into the light of the lobby, the knots loosening.

“No, sorry.” The voice said, walking away. I caught the door and went into the lobby. There’s Gustavo, so I’m in the right spot. The elevator took me to the third floor and I found her corner apartment. Only because it was the last door on the right side. I gave a gentle knock.

“Hey, Citrine, it’s Matt,” I whispered. No response. Maybe I should check back in the morning, she could be passed out. I’ll knock one more time. Before my fist even reached the door, I heard it unlock. Thank God. The door creaked open and a fat, older Russian man stood before me.

“Why you knock at 4:30 in the damn morning? What you want?” He said through his thick accent. Over his shoulder was a dirty, grimey apartment, I was at the wrong door.

“I’m so sorry, is this Citrine’s apartment? I think I’m at the wrong door, sorry.” I said to him, turning away.

“Don’t fucking bother me again, kid.” He muttered, shutting the door. What the hell was going on? Maybe it was the left door, I was tripping after all. I could feel the walls closing in on me, the panic rising up my throat. Relax, relax. You’re just at the wrong door. I turned and knocked on the door across the hall.

“Citrine? Please answer the door, I’m kinda freaking out, out here!” I shouted.

A girl answered the door, she’s not Citrine or May.

“Is Citrine here?” I asked.

“Who the fuck- no.” She started closing the door when I grabbed the handle.

“Do you know her?” I asked. “Citrine?”

“Look, dude, no, go away. It’s like 4:30 in the morning.” She said, closing the door. What the hell is going on?

I ran back to the elevator, rushing to the lobby. I started tapping my foot on the tile floor of the elevator as it slowly descended me back to the lobby. C’mon, c’mon.

DING!

There’s that sound again. I strode to the desk where Gustavo was sitting.

“Hey, I was wondering if you could tell me which apartment is Citrine’s? We were just at the park but she left and I want to make sure she made it home safe.” I said. The man looked up from his phone.

“You again. What’s your name?” He asked.

“Matt.”

“Okay, Matt, if I see you come in here again I’m gonna have to call the cops. Got it? Unless you live here, that is.” Gustavo said.

“Can I ask what you mean? I came here a few hours ago with this girl Citrine who lives here on the third floor, and I got separated from her, I just- I just want to make sure she made it home safe.”

“You came in here a few hours ago alone, laughing to yourself, you got in an elevator, started jumping around, got out and left.” He said. I could feel my own face contorting in disbelief, staring at Gustavo. What is he talking about?

“You gonna say anything? The door’s that way.” He said, pointing.

“Is- Is your name Gustavo?” I blurted out.

“Huh? No. My name is Michael. See the name tag?” He moved his finger from the door to his name tag. I felt the room spinning again, I wanted to hurl.

“Can I see the security footage?” I asked. Gustav- Michael sighed, turning the computer screen towards me. He pulled up the footage from midnight. There I was walking inside alone, laughing like a maniac. And there’s Gustav- Michael, staring at me with that puzzled look. It wasn’t Citrine being weird, it was me he was looking at. Just me. What the hell? I watched myself get into the elevator, jump three times then walk back out. The doors never even closed? I never went up?

“You see? What, were you on meth or something?” He asked, laughing while staring at me like I was some circus freak.

“Uh, no. I gotta go.” I said, tripping over myself as I ran out the door.

I walked back to the park, no Citrine. Where did she go? I stood alone in the park, staring at the sky that’s turning light blue now, the stars have faded away just like her. The grass was all dewy under my shoes as I tried to find our footprints. Nothing to do but go home. The world started to wake up as I walked the blocks back to my house. Jesus, I have class in like four hours. Take a nap, drink a Redbull then go to Philosophy. Joel might be waking up soon. Joel! That’s right! He saw her, I brought her to the table, he’ll remember her!

I surged through our front door, pounding on Joel’s door.

“Joel, I need you to wake up,” I said.

“It’s six fucking thirty, fuck off.” He said. He’s right, I need to calm down. I’ll make some coffee, watch some TV. So much for a nap, I can’t sleep at all. Not with her on my mind.

Joel’s door opened an hour later, as he emerged from the room, I could see the hangover on his face. He was dressed for school, all ready.

“Alright, dude. What’s up?” He asked, plopping himself next to me on the couch.

“Do you remember when I left?” I asked.

“Yeah, you left early as fuck, at like 11, 11:30?”

“Yeah, do you remember the girl I brought to the table and then left with?”

“What girl?”

“Citrine! I brought her to the table, grabbed my keys, and said ‘Hey guys, this is Citrine’ and no one said hi back to her.” I said, dumbfounded.

“Oh yeah, that was weird dude. You were alone though. You said all that but there was no one with you. We figured you did some blow in the bathroom or something,” Joel said, getting up to make himself some coffee.

“What are you talking about? She’s a red-head, super short? We came to the table together? Plus you saw me go outside with her. You and George were giving me a thumbs up.”

“Yeah, you did go outside, but with some dude wearing a hoodie, so you didn’t come inside with a girl, or the guy you went out with.”

“What? No Joel-”

“Let’s talk later, I’m gonna be late!” Joel said, taking his coffee to go and leaving. I stood in the living room, in painful silence. What the fuck happened to me last night? Who did I kiss? Who gave me the acid?

I have one more idea.

I skipped Philosophy and headed to the science building on campus. It’s one of the nicer, newer buildings so it has a teacher directory.

“Hi, I was wondering where I could find the teacher who is in charge of astronomy?” I asked the secretary.

“Oh, that’s Mr. Krov. His office is on the second floor. C-12. It’ll be on your left-hand side.” She said, smiling at me.

“Thanks.”

Another elevator ride, perfect.

I found his office door open, I poked my head inside, another knot growing inside my stomach.

“Hi… are you Mr.Krov?” I asked him, gripping the door frame.

“I am, what can I do for you?” He asked.

“I know this sounds strange but, I’m looking for a girl named Citrine… she said she’s an astronomy student here.” I said, staring at the floor, too embarrassed to see the expression on his face.

“Citrine, no, sorry it doesn’t ring a bell.” He said. I looked up at him.

“Are there any other astronomy teachers on campus?”

“I’m afraid I’m the only one.” He said.

“Alright. Thanks anyway.” I left defeated, walking all the way back to my house.

I flopped down into my bed, letting my vision fade away from trying to focus on the ceiling. What happened to you, Citrine? Who gave me the acid? Whose amber eyes hypnotized me? Whose lips were those that took me to another world of ecstasy? Whose delicate hands did I want to paint? Who was it that I was with all night? Who… Who? I don’t even want to say her name.