Rocking

The waves nestled my boat like a swaddle, rocking me like a baby. I couldn’t feel anything as I lied on my back just allowing the boat to rock but not quite soothe me. The rocking damn sure couldn’t begin to touch the survivors guilt immobilizing me as all I could do was lie down and revisit each haunting memory of this morning's events.

Everytime I shut my eyes I saw their faces distorted by blood, shock, confusion and pain. If only I’d known what dwelled on the lakeside I never would’ve suggested a retreat here. I never would have brought the only friends I had out here to die. Now all I can do is watch the sun's slow descent from my miserable abode unmoving. I began to replay the memories from the beginning again as if my brain was a broken dvd player stuck on a loop.

It was only 6 am and we were going 20 over the speed limit screaming every song on our road trip playlist to the top of our lungs barreling down one of the last roads till we’ve finally reached the lake. Sage, Jade, Ivy & I had been friends since 6th grade. We’d bonded over Pokémon and self harm & were an inseparable posse ever since. “Summertime Sadness” blared through the speakers as if it was the edited version that went viral as we turned onto a gravel road insinuating we had reached the vicinity of the lake. Our windows all rolled down almost in sync as I breathed in the fresh scent.

“Alrighty girlsssssssss we have almost arrived !” Jade said. She pulled the car into a spot between some trees & threw the gear shift in park. We all bounced from our seats excited to be able to move our legs after the 4 hour drive. I sighed in relief as soon as my sneakers hit the gravel, then bent forward to stretch my spine. I looked over and everyone seemed to be taking a moment to do the same. I grabbed my backpack from the backseat floor and pulled it onto me as my friends giggled at me for having such a large backpack as a purse.

“Okay Tre! Where is this perfect set up spot you had in mind?” Sage asked me eager to begin our retreat. I smiled at her then began grabbing our camping gear from the trunk.

“We’re not far, let’s grab all our things and head that way” I said confidently. I did have the perfect set up spot to take away all their worries, uncertainty and stress. I hated seeing us all go through so much in our lives, the misery and pain. I suggested a nature retreat to relieve their unhappiness. Once our hands were all full of our necessities I began to step forward and usher them to follow behind me. I walked through a cluster of trees, 3 pairs of feet trailing close behind. As I began to move forward I could see the lake’s edge eerily with the morning's fog coating the air. We began to joke and babble about lake myths until we were met with the water's edge. It was beautiful and tranquilizing, I wish my eyes could snap photographs that I could share with the world. A dock with a few boats lining the side plunged further into the water which we’d undoubtedly be spending a lot of time on.

“Okay Tre can we set up! I’m ready to do this!” Ivy proclaimed while dropping the gear she was holding at her feet. I did the same and so did our friends and we began setting up our tents on the uneven ground beneath us. It went faster than expected as we laid on our backs in Jade's tent, taking a moment to breathe after all our hard work to reach this moment. I closed my eyes and drank in the white noise, happy I had brought them here to help them.

The morning was filled with mediation, deep group discussion and reiki as I tried to save them any other way possible first. They had to be relieved of the feelings they didn’t deserve to feel and I had to be the one to help them, or who else would? We ate an alkaline meal and drank sea moss smoothies, remaining outside and connected to the nature all around us. This was a beautiful experience but my hard work was not enough as their phones still seemed to have them sucked in and feeding into negativity and depression. They gossiped and still grieved their ex’s or indulged in their toxic relationships. I understood it was hard and that these things had a hold on them that reiki wouldn’t fix in a day, but I was tired of seeing them feel these ways.

We sat on the dock swinging our feet above the lake, having a conversation I wasn’t quite present for. I closed my eyes for a moment and everything went black.

I sobbed on the boat as my memory distorted and I struggled to remember this part. I cried until my tears ran dry and I reverted back to the cold numbing feeling that paralyzed me. I dove back into the memory as it resurfaced.

When I opened my eyes Jade and Ivy were screaming, shaking Sage's emotionless body. No matter how loud they screamed it was as if nobody could hear them for miles. A dark figure rose from the lake beneath us & the two began to scream and run from it down the dock. I began running and screaming too when I looked up it surrounded Jade & in one fluid motion the figure slit her throat spraying me with her blood. I shrieked and fell to my knees not comprehending what was hunting us & why?

Ivy ran begging in my direction so I rose to my feet fearing it was behind me and I was the next corpse this lake being would leave in its path. I rose to my feet and followed her between the trees and she seemed to run faster everytime I begin to catch up.

“Tre PLEASE” she pleaded helplessly and I couldn’t understand what I was to do. We were both helpless & evading this evil that consumed our friends. The spot I chose had no contact with anyone else for miles so I feared nothing could save us, but I still called out to her flatly that everything would be okay. I finally caught up to her as she tripped on a branch, out of breath and disoriented by grief and as soon as I did the darkness emerged from between the trees. She screamed but couldn’t move a muscle, immobilized by her fear as she seemed to be looking directly behind me as the figure loomed over her then dove into her and ripped her stomach to shreds. I cowared and waited for the figure to destroy me too. I don’t know how long I was crouched there but my demise never came, I shook not understanding why I was still breathing.

Birds cooed over me as I remained unmoved, rocking lost into my head. This boat hadn’t moved for hours and I’m not certain if I ever wanted it to, maybe I should lay here rocking forever. The boat thudded as its edge seemed to hit something solid bobbing just below the surface, I pulled the upper half of my body up and leaned over the side of the boat. A head full of curly black hair met my gaze as I slammed my head back down onto the boat hard screaming and everything went back to black.

My memory began to distort back to that afternoon. I looked down at my hands and they were red, drenched with blood that wasn’t mine.

Why am I alive? Why hadn’t this darkness taken me too? I tortured myself with questions my brain couldn’t answer. I sat up and the head still remained just below the surface. I caressed the long black curls then lifted the head up and Ivy stared back at me, cold and eyes glazed over.

I gently lowered her back into the water and I couldn’t help but smile.

I finally could lift the weight of my body up from the floor of the boat as I felt the fear and guilt subside and be replaced with this warm feeling. I dove into the water below and there they were, my 3 beautiful friends staring back at me. They remained chained to the bricks holding them under the lake and my smile widened.

I did it. They never looked more peaceful in their lives. I saved them from their pain and misery. I told them I would and I did. I chose this perfect spot cause nobody would be here to stop me from saving them. All my memories distorted as I remembered now pulling the knife from my backpack at the dock and cutting all their sadness out of them. Letting it flow from their veins, giving them peace at last. I gave them one more look of gratitude knowing they were all thankful & sank myself next to my brick and chain and clamped it to the chain around my ankle. We all finally could be happy.