Reparative Pal Program Eleven

Leaving the house without shoes wasn’t easy. As the way that the sidewalk felt under my feet was painful. But obviously I ignored it as I ran towards his car. Getting the right key out while keeping an eye on the front door. Soon as I got it open, I climbed inside it. Keeping an eye on the front door while I did it. It was so good to be out of the house. At that moment I had the feeling of the night air on my skin was bliss. Even if it wasn’t for as long as I wanted it to be. Maybe while I’m driving, I can have the windows down. That isn’t the point of all of this as I started the car and pulled out of the driveway.

Rolling down the window with a push of the button. Driving down the road I felt so grateful for this chance. The car rides with John always ended way too quickly. And I never got a chance to breathe fresh air for too long. Since whenever we leave the Woodrow Clinic, John all but runs me to his stupid car. Like he’s worried that I’m going to try and escape. It isn’t a wrong worry, I suppose. But it still makes things difficult to enjoy being out of the Woodrow Clinic. When I got to the stop sign, I stretched a little bit. I am grateful that I had the chance before I got to the Woodrow Clinic once more. It was so lovely to finally have a few seconds of peace. Not having to speak to John during the whole drive back to his home. Especially when he has the worst things on his mind. All of which are annoying stories about co-workers that he had to deal with before coming to me. It makes me so uncomfortable to hear how he hates some of them.

As well as his opinion of other trans folks.

Gender-freaks were by far the nicest way to speak about trans folk. Some of which was revolting and made my skin crawl. Such as how he thinks that if some of us trans men were pregnant before we fully matured…and I don’t mean underage teenagers. That was the one thing that he specified that he wouldn’t be fine with. But if we were eighteen or nineteen that would somehow fix us or something. That if we were matched with older men that we would somehow be better and fixed. And it disgusted the Hell out of me each time I heard him say it. It makes me nauseous to think about as I continued to drive his car. Keeping the radio off since I hate his taste in music. It’s almost as disgusting as he is. But I won’t think about it right now as I need to think about Joanna and getting to see her again. Sure, it hasn’t been all that long since we talked. I missed her a whole lot more than I was expecting to. This will be the best chance for us to be able to speak more. Without having to keep our voices down. Or having to be careful to move our lips in a way that wouldn’t be read by the cameras. Some more one and one time as well. A chance to finally be able to speak as much as we want to. To say whatever really comes to our minds without consequences. Like how much we hated the orderlies and the government.

How much do we both not like Alya and her bullshit. I’m sure that she has a whole lot more to say about her than I do. If I remember that Joanna had to deal with her a whole lot more than I had. I think she said that while I was comatose, she was awake. It was possibly that. Talking together was difficult thanks to the fact that we were trying to keep from being overheard. And then punished for talking out of turn. I might have heard her wrong. If not, then I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been to deal with Alya all that time. Especially, when Alya was probably treating her like she was some kind of aggressive monster that harmed ‘real women’ or whatever bullshit people like Alya say. It matters how she treated Joanna. But Alya’s words as a human being do not matter to me in the slightest. At any rate, I hope that the drive to anywhere will be a chance to be like our old selves had been. Or at least somewhat close to what our former selves had been. As I haven’t felt like myself after only nine or so months in this terrible program.

I don’t know that I will ever.

But I feel that we’re going to be somewhat like we used to be. That we can be at least free enough to try and be a version of ourselves. Ones that were going to be free of judgement, punishment, and whatever else the program can poison us with. Such as medicine for me that makes thinking difficult to handle. Along with other horrible stuff. Soon as that’s out of my system, and I don’t know how long that will be, I might have my old thought process back. I’m hoping that I will have my old thought process back. My voice might not ever be as deep as it had been when I used to get testosterone shots. It, like other things about myself, won’t be back to the way that things used to be. This might take me for me to try to get my old self back. Maybe years or so. But I will find a way to get us back to normal. Not just me but Joanna as well. So that she can be more comfortable in her skin like she used to. Hell, I might even just work to make sure that she gets what she needs faster than me. As I want her to be back to a place, she can feel the most at peace. It will take time, but I’ll get rid of the things that they did to us. I’ll do whatever it takes to help her get back to the way that Joanna wants.

Now as much as I want to focus on helping Joanna with her dysphoria, I have got to focus on what I’m going to do next. When I get to the Woodrow Clinic I mean. Remembering the camera-free spots that she quickly mentioned to me. There were quite a few in the Clinic. But not all of them were going to be easily accessible. Or easy to escape from either. There was the window in Alya’s room that I saw. The Clinic apparently trusted Alya enough that they would allow her to have space without cameras. Then again, she wasn’t anything like the others in the Woodrow Clinic. As we were forced into the program while Alya willingly placed herself in there. And she had turned herself into the poster child that worked well. Even if she isn’t a ‘Philia Pet’ like so many people that come and go from the clinic.

I highly doubt that she ever will be. But you know never know what a pack of wolves might do to the rabbit that has helped them.

At any rate getting through the front gate to get to the window would be difficult. And so would getting out of the gate. Seeing is the guard there was an asshole the last time that John had taken me through it when I was moved to his home. This was the only time that we agreed on something. That man was terrible and made it difficult for us to leave. It took at least twenty minutes for us to leave legally. From that point on we drove out through the parking lot leading into the kitchen. It was the only other spot with…without cameras. That was it! I had a way in and out of the Woodrow Clinic that wouldn’t be easily spotted. Not only does the parking lot not have cameras but that was the only spot without fences. I’m not too sure why. But I’m guessing it was the fact that we were sort of closely monitored inside that they didn’t need one. Or at least they felt that they wouldn’t need one. The kitchen also has no cameras. Since none of us ‘patients’ were ever allowed into the room without being supervised.

No matter what, there’s always three to four orderlies with at least two ‘Philia Pets’.

At this time of night, this won’t be much of an issue. And even so I still find it strange that they wouldn’t have cameras there. I suppose they believe we’re too beaten down to try anything. Or quite possibly that there’s enough armed staff to keep us from trying to escape. But I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Since I absolutely need this to help us get out of the Woodrow Clinic. And we’re going to have to ditch the car at some point. Probably in the next town or in the next state if necessary. We will cross that bridge when we get to that at any rate. Taking a deep breath, I needed to remember where to find Joanna in the building. Even though I have a vague idea of where she could be in the building. This is the part that I’m mostly concerned about. Getting to her and how to get to it without being immediately recognized. Oh god, that was another thing I hadn’t really thought over. Going through the building without any of the orderlies recognizing me and recapturing me. Either through the cameras or just walking through the hallways. I would have to look through the whole kitchen for a spare uniform. There must be something in there so that way when I go to the ‘male’ wing, I would be somewhat okay. Speaking of which, the ‘male’ wing is on the right side.

The ‘female’ is on the left.

Each has a lot of cameras that I hadn’t been able to immediately spot. But I was going to make sure that none of the camera operators would easily notice me as I broke Joanna out. Hopefully there’s going to be some kind of hat that I can wear. Anything that would block the cameras’ views of my face. Otherwise, things are going to be very difficult for me. Well, more than it already is. Finding Joanna’s room might be harder than I think it is. As I might know which way I’m going. But I have no clear idea where in that wing she would be. I hope that the names on the doors will be easy to read. And that I won’t be spotted from the security cameras. If there are any orderlies that are walking around, I won’t be as easily spotted. Since a good portion of them know exactly who I am. And have seen my face since I started going there. By walking past me in these horrible hallways. Or from the fact my face was plastered over the news for so many months. I’m also very sure they could catch me easily if I’m not careful enough. The idea of that made a cold sweat break out on my skin and I grasped the wheel tighter. Turning down the road that led to the parking lot for the kitchen. It was going to be a longshot for me to be able to save Joanna. Or even get anywhere near her but, it’s one that is worth it. As Joanna needed me to keep myself together, suck it up, and run as fast as I can to save her. My emotions are going to be something that I must deal with when we’re in a much safer space.

Taking a deep breath, I pulled into the parking lot in a normal manner. Letting my breath out to calm myself down. At least a little bit. Drawing a deep breath in and letting out as I parked a little way away from the back door. There weren’t a lot of cars there. Three only. Though that doesn’t really give me much to go on. That doesn’t give me an idea of how many orderlies are in the building in the moment. There are probably quite a few cars out front. Alya’s would be out there. It seems like she never leaves the Woodrow Clinic. When John is taking me back to his home, her car is still in its parking space. It's a bright pink thing that I think Barbie would absolutely love. If she were an evil woman that wanted to force people to be prisoners. Either way, I know that if I get caught by any of them, I will be punished. I know that I must do this. Getting Joanna, the Hell out of this place matters more to me than my own safety. And if she were in my shoes, she would possibly do the same for me as well. Even though we haven’t had a lot of time together, I have this feeling that she might do the same for me. This strong feeling in my gut is that we’re a whole lot more alike than I’m sure of.

It's a gut feeling but I’m sure of it.

While I grasp the steering wheel I start to develop my plan properly. Something that I know I should have done long before I came here. I know that. Just like I should have stolen John’s uniform from the hamper. Being in a hurry kind of makes thinking a whole lot more difficult. But hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz. And I won’t be dwelling on that as I stare at the kitchen’s backdoor. Taking a few deep breaths to steady myself and think more rationally. Yelling at myself when I should be thinking about Joanna’s safety won’t get me anywhere. It also wouldn’t help make sure that they wouldn’t catch up to me. Also wearing John’s uniform would still get me easily spotted as he doesn’t wear a hat. Or anything that would easily hide my features from the cameras that are constantly recording our actions. The first thought I had was the small window that looked out into the cafeteria. That I could beckon her into the kitchen, and we could run from there. But there were admittedly quite a few issues with this plan.

First, it’s too late at night for her to be in the cafeteria. And I’m certain that she is in her room and sleeping. Or at least trying to sleep. That foam mat isn’t exactly easy to sleep on no matter how hard you try.

Second, even if she were there I would be caught quickly. As I’m not fully confident if I can outrun any of the orderlies at all anymore. Or even when I was the way that I used to be I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I would be punished in the harshest manner possible. I’m not entirely sure in what way I would be punished but I would be.

Third, it slowly dawns on me that it won’t be as easy as I’m hoping for. That I was going to have a whole lot harder time. Especially if I can’t find a disguise that would keep me from being immediately noticed either by orderlies or the cameras. My heart sank as I tried to not spiral out of control. Holding tight to the steering wheel and turning my head to look at the wall in front of me. My mouth was going dry as I tried to control myself.

Those poisonous thoughts were running through my mind as I thought of it. That I wouldn’t be able to do this at all. That I would be caught. And that I would be punished. To what degree, my panic-stricken mind wasn’t entirely sure of. But I knew it was going to be horrifying, painful, and John would harm me further if he found out. There was something that I couldn’t picture no matter how hard my mind tried to. Closing my eyes I force myself to take my hands from the steering wheel and take deeper breaths. After a few seconds I finally steady myself. Reminding myself that Joanna needed me to keep my wits about me. If I hadn’t had my wits about myself then things would go south. Joanna needs to be free, and I needed to save her. If I don’t then no one is going to. There are no secret underground rescue forces that can save us from this Hell. We are the only people that have each other to rely on.

It will be difficult but we’re going to manage it. I know that we’re going to manage it. Taking my emotions, I shove them down as best that I can. Being afraid wasn’t going to help me in the slightest bit. I must keep my emotions in check if I want to get out of this alive. In a few minutes, I come up with what I need to do. Getting out of the car, I hurried over to the kitchen door. Looking around to be sure that no one was going to see me. Or stop me. Then I slink inside as quickly as possible. Waiting a few seconds or so for my eyes to adjust to the dark. Straining my ears to hear if anyone was around. So far there wasn’t. Slowly but surely, I was able to at least see well enough in the kitchen. Quietly walking to what looked like a closet and prayed that it was. When I opened it, it was a closet. There were a few uniforms inside of it. None of them looked like they were my size, but it was better than nothing. So, I snagged one of them and I quickly slipped it on. Of course, it didn’t fit me in the slightest bit. They sagged in places that made me realize how much weight I have lost since I’ve come here. I ignored this as I hurriedly grabbed a hat that they had in this supply closet and shoved my hair up into it to hide it. It must be a janitor’s closet. What else could possibly have these many uniforms and hats for? Again, I don’t allow myself to linger on this as I headed out of the kitchen. Realizing the cafeteria is as dark as the kitchen.

It was too late for anyone to be awake right now. Which might work towards my advantage if I’m careful enough. As I know, this isn’t much of a disguise but it’s the best that I can do right now. Hopefully if there is anyone wandering around this time of night, they won’t be able to see me too well. Or look at me too closely. Otherwise, my poorly thought-out plan is going to fall apart quicker than wet tissue paper. I know that I won’t be able to…I can’t think about this right now. I’ll miss orderlies if I’m too deep into my thoughts. And of course, I’m going to be freaking punished for what I’m doing right now. Heading down the right hallway as I keep my head down a little bit. Trying to avoid having my face seen by the cameras. I’m doing my best to keep my composure as I walk through the hallway. Knowing that I will need to act way less scared than I was feeling right now. If I do so, then no one will realize that I do not belong here. It’s worked before when I was sneaking into an ‘R’ rated movie as a teenager. Pretended that I should be in that theater and that no one had even asked me. If I were sure that a smile wouldn’t get me caught, I would be in that moment. Instead, I kept a somewhat stoic look on my face as I walked through the halls. So, far I haven’t seen or heard anyone as I walked through the hallways. Glancing up as I kept my hands in the pockets of this stolen uniform. The hallway lights were dim, but I hadn’t met anyone just yet. Or even heard anyone walking through the hallways.

Maybe they have spare rooms for some of the orderlies that work here? Just because John has his own home doesn’t mean everyone else does. It’s a theory but it’s the best one that I’ve got right now as I glance around. While I walk, I check the names next to the door. The small lights hanging over them barely illuminate their temporary names. Not fully moving my head to make sure that the cameras wouldn’t catch sight of my face. As I know full well that security or some orderlies would be after me in a heartbeat if that happened. Though I’m sure that when I get Joanna out of her room it might catch some of their attention. But as long as we keep calm and go through the hallway without running, we’ll be fine. I’m sure that we’re going to be fine. Chewing my bottom lip, I keep walking with my eyes on the tags near the door. Trying to not act as terrified as I was currently feeling. My heart pounding hard against my ribcage. Like it was a frightened little bird trying to escape its cage. It was so difficult to keep my composure while I kept checking for Joanna’s room, but I managed the best I could.

It took at least ten minutes of walking as I checked each room. But I finally found hers and I allowed myself to smile the tiniest bit. Checking the keys, I used one that worked for her door. There was a second where it didn’t work before it finally clicked. My smile widened a little bit as I slowly opened to Joanna’s room. Which was somewhat illuminated by the dim lights in the hallway. Revealing her laying on the foam mat with her blanket pulled over her head. Quietly, I glanced down the hallways to be sure no one was coming. Then I turned my gaze back into the room. In a soft voice, I called out,”Joanna? Joanna wake up.”

There was a jolt coming from the blanket bundle. Joanna shoved the blanket off herself as she turned towards me. Sitting on her knees as she stared up at me. Probably unable to tell that it’s me right now. Considering how dark it is and that she’s barely awake. But I had to get her out of this Hellhole now. Calmly, I added,”It’s me, Gabriel. I stole John’s car, and I can get us the Hell out of here once and for all.”

No sooner did those words leave my lips did she seemed to wake up more. Quickly getting off the foam mat they gave her. Walking up to me swiftly as she held her arms out and pulled me to her chest. Pressing her cheek against my head gently as she did so. Giving a soft sigh of relief as she hugged me so close to herself. Which I returned as I gently rubbed her back. This was something I hadn’t realized I wanted to do for so long. Not until I just did it. Quietly, she stated,”It is so good to finally be able to hug you, Gabe.”

“I never thought I would ever get the chance.”,she admitted. This was also something that I had never thought would happen either. If anyone ever told me that I was going to be able to hug her one day, I wouldn’t have believed it. She hugs me so much better than I imagined she could. But I suppose I never had thought of how Joanna hugs. Either way, I can’t overthink her amazing ability to hug me. Pushing away from the hug, I took her hand in mine. Giving her hand a gentle yank as I start walking down the hallway. Joanna shut the door behind her as we started walking down the hallway together. In a low voice, I muttered,”Neither did I. But we can hug each other more once we’re in a safer place.”

“Hopefully a safer place.”,I whispered. I’m doing my best not to allow myself to be terrified as we continue to walk. It was difficult to not to start freaking out once the lights slowly started to come back on. And I knew it only had been a few minutes since I arrived. With the lights being so dim, I was hoping there wouldn’t be a lot of people in the building. There was a possibility that no one was monitoring the cameras so that we could flee easily. Of course, my luck wasn’t that good. So of course, there had to be someone watching the camera monitors right as Joanna and I were walking through the hallway. It wasn’t going to be long before we heard security coming after us and Joanna grasps my hand tighter. Giving it a gentle squeeze as she picked up the pace. I did my best to keep up as I resisted the urge to look over my shoulder. Afraid of what I was going to see. And that I might trip over my own feet if I do. Joanna didn’t have the same worries that I did. She glanced over our shoulders and gave a slight yank on my hand. Being careful not to make me fall on my face as I pick up my pace. She urged,”Hurry, there’s four of them gaining on us!”

I nodded as I sprinted harder. Sprinted until my ribs started to hurt while we ran down the hallway. An action that I wasn’t sure I would be able to do well enough a few weeks ago. But adrenaline is much more of a help than I anticipated it was going to be. Running through the now well-lit cafeteria and into the kitchen. Quickly closing the door, I let go of Joanna’s hand as I blocked the door with my body weight. It was difficult but I managed to lock the door. Then we shoved a table against the door as we heard the men slamming into it. Luckily that window that looks out into the cafeteria is too narrow for any of them to go through. Otherwise, we were going to be recaptured and put into some kind of punishment room. My mind raced as I realized that even with the door being locked, it wasn’t that strong. And the table that we used was too weak for it to properly hold out for all too long. Not even with one of us holding it against the door. Slowly it dawned on me that it would only be a matter of time before they came into the kitchen through the back door. Just like I did. Looking over at Joanna, I take the keys out of my pocket. My voice wavered as I stated,”Joanna. Here.”

I tossed the keys at her with a sad smile on my face. A look of pure confusion crossed her features as she stared at them. Then she turned her gaze towards me as she did so. It wasn’t long before she realized why I had thrown her the keys. Eyes went wide as she shook her head ‘no’ as a look of horror dawned on her face. Tears welled up in her eyes as she stared into mine. It wasn’t hard for her to know why I had thrown the keys towards her. Shaking her head as she took a step towards me. Putting my hands up as I gave her a worried smile.

“No, Gabe. I’m not leaving without you. I can’t leave you here, they’ll put you in the punishment rooms for a year!”,she exclaimed. Her voice strained with fear as she held the keys tight to her chest. I knew that this was something that could have happened when they finally got to me. Not if, when. And I can’t lie, I’m terrified of how that was going to go. But I wanted to protect the only friend that I have had in this. After everything that happened, I wanted to be able to save her from the program. Of course, I wanted to go with her. To be free from the program just like she was being freed from the program now.

But I had to think practically to keep her safe.

“Just go. It’s okay. Please just go, Joanna.”,I encouraged. Giving her a smile as I shooed her away from me as well. The door jolted behind me a few times as the orderlies tried to get in. Showing the reason why I was trying to keep the door shut. Softly, I said,”We both know that the door won’t hold forever. And we don’t need them to recapture us both.”

“You’re my best friend and I’ll love you forever.”,I informed her. A few tears rolling down my face as the door jolts more. It wouldn’t be long before it broke. And we both knew that. Joanna wiped tears from her own cheeks. Before she turned to leave the kitchen, Joanna stated,”So are you, Gabe. I’ll love you more.”

With that, she ran out of the kitchen and into the parking lot. I could hear John’s car start as I heard shouts coming from the parking lot. It wasn’t very long before the sound of a car peeling out of the parking lot rang out through the air. My stomach dropped as I realized there were possibly security guards or orderlies in the parking lot. And that I was going to be captured sooner than I thought I was going to be. Taking a deep breath, I looked around the room for a spot to hide. Figuring I had a few moments. I know it’s stupid to hide when I am doomed but, I had some hope that I could still escape. Even if it’s a bigger longshot than this whole escape plan was from the start. But I just wanted some hope that I could escape and find Joanna. If not, in a couple of hours maybe in a week or at least two. So, I hurriedly shoved the table against the door as I made my way to the janitor’s closet. Slowly shutting the door behind me as I hear the door finally give way. That table being shoved against the floor with a harsh scraping noise. Within a second, I hid myself behind some hanging uniforms. Holding my hands over my mouth as I leaned against the wall behind myself. A moment later, I heard people coming into the room. Not sure entirely how many people were coming in.

A few seconds later, I heard a few male voices. Not all of them I could recognize. Aside from Eric’s voice. The tone of which was angrier than I had ever heard him before. The way that he acted the few times that I’ve seen him made me believe that he wasn’t exactly an angry man. I suppose that I shouldn’t have assumed that of him as I kept my hands over my mouth. Listening to him angrily yell at the others. Telling the others that no one was leaving the room until I was found. It was hard for me to keep calm as I listened to them check everywhere that I could hide. Being as petite as I was right now, it would be a lot of places in that kitchen. Mostly those cabinets that seemed to be empty. After at least ten minutes, one of them decided to look through the janitor’s closet. I froze in place as the door opened. Light spilling into the room made my blood turn to ice in my veins. It wasn’t long before I heard the click of the light switch flipping. Pressing my hands pressed tighter against my mouth to keep my breathing quiet as I listened to them. Praying to anyone that would listen that I wouldn’t be found. That they would just briefly look around for me then they would go away. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. One of the men that I didn’t remember the name of pushed the clothes away from my hiding spot. Looking at me in surprise before yanking me to my feet and dragging me out of the closet. Forcing me to walk with him as he stated,”I found her!”

Within a second, Eric walked over to me and yanked me closer to him. Grasping my throat tightly with one hand. Slowly lifting me off the ground as the other orderlies tried to calm him down. While he choked me, I scratched his forearm and hand. Trying to pull him off me as he glared deep into my eyes. There was more anger than I had ever seen in anyone’s eyes in a long time. My mother had never been so angry with me in my whole life. Even when I told her that I was no longer interested in going to church anymore. And she acted like I was saying that I wanted to burn all the bibles that we had in our house. Instead of loosening his grasp, Eric tightened his grip and made it almost impossible to breathe. I’m sure that my face might have been turning colors as the other orderlies started panicking. Each of them was trying to stop him from killing me. While one of them was trying to call John. Trying to wake him up so that he knew what was going on. That I was at the Woodrow Clinic, what I did, and that Eric was currently choking the life out of me. Or something to that effect. I was a little too busy trying to get air back in my lungs as I stared at Eric’s enraged face. There were black dots in my vision that worried me as I realized he might kill me. Being strangled to death in the kitchen of the Woodrow Clinic.

There was an irrational thought in the back of my mind. One that strangely made me feel so at peace despite everything. ‘At least Joanna got out…’ The one friend that matters so much to me in the whole world. I finally managed to save someone. Even if it wasn’t myself, I managed to save Joanna. Not even caring that I was slowly blacking out while that asshole started to choke me even tighter. Soon I found myself passing out and something strange happened. A second later, I was on the floor and coughing while that orderly that yanked me out of the closet that patted my back. Gently rubbed it as carefully as possible. Whispering softly as he stared at Eric. I could barely focus on what was going on as I tried to take a few deep breaths. My throat hurt while I did that. Coughing and choking as I slowly got myself to breathe normally again. When I started to breathe once more, I heard them calming Eric down. Telling him that I wasn’t worth him losing his job. That if he killed me, he would be fired. Not that it matters to me. I think he should be fired for almost choking me out like that. But I doubt that would matter to anyone in charge. No one in charge will be upset with him merely choking me out. I looked up at him as he was slowly taking a few deep breaths. Hands on his thighs as he glared at me. Half bent over as if he was the one that had been attacked or something like that. Practically spitting out the words, Eric stated,”Alya had promised me that I was going to get Jonah by the end of the month.”

“That he was going to be my ‘Philia Pet’. Thanks to this bullshit, I’m never going to be seeing him ever again.”,he grunted through gritted teeth. It didn’t take a genius to see that he would kill me if given the chance. And there was nothing in the world that could deter him. But the other orderlies were doing their best to keep him from killing me. Probably to keep him from losing his job. Since it was clear that Eric is their friend. I tried my best to not show that I was afraid of them as I sat there. I was not going to give them the satisfaction of seeing my fear. The one that was rubbing my back looked up at him as he kept rubbing my back. Calmly, he stated,”I know that, Eric. We all know that. You’ve been talking about this for the past few weeks now.”

“But John needs to be here for what’s going to happen.”,that orderly informed. If looks could kill, I would be dead. So would the guy that was rubbing my back so soothingly. At least this was enough to keep him from trying to murder me. And I suppose I was grateful that I wasn’t being strangled once again. Sitting there as I turned my gaze to the ground. Unsure of what was going to happen to me next. There was this strange feeling inside of me as I sat there. This feeling of coldness as I realized that I wasn’t going to be escaping this situation. That I was going to be facing some dire consequences for what I have done. Of which, I’m going to be quite possibly facing them at the hands of John. Who knows how he was going to be after I not only broke out of his house, but I stole his car. Which is hopefully leaving the city while I sit here trapped by these assholes. I’m so hoping that Joanna managed to get past the city limits. Or anywhere at all so that she can ditch that car and get something else.

But what tore me out of my thoughts when I was suddenly picked up from the floor. Forcibly turned around in someone’s hands and I froze. I was now face to face with John. The look on his face was a mixture of emotions. Anger, sadness, and grief. I knew why he was feeling all these things as he held me like this. Pulling me into his chest in a way that would keep me from being able to get free. It wasn’t like I was going to try to get away. He started walking with me out of the kitchen, cafeteria, and down a hallway. With the other orderlies coming with us. A few minutes later, we were in this room that I had vaguely heard of before. It was stuff that people spoke about in hushed whispers when I hadn’t ever been to the Woodrow Clinic. This room was…it was where they euthanized ‘Philia Pets’. Because they were unable to be turned into one. Or if they weren’t well enough to become one. And I’m also certain it was because of the fact that they might have killed their new masters for one reason or another. Even if it had been in self-defense. They were still euthanized to protect other people from harming someone else. Or other pets.

At the time I hadn’t really paid much attention to people talking about that. Now I wish that I had been. As it slowly dawned on me that I might not be getting merely punished for my actions. That I was going to be euthanized. I knew that there was a possibility of this coming into the Woodrow Clinic. I knew that it could possibly happen if I wasn’t careful enough. And here I was facing the very thing that I had been afraid of since the beginning. I should be terrified that I was in this room. I should be feeling so scared and begging for my life. Telling them anything that they would like to hear. But all I could feel was this emptiness as my mouth felt dry. Tongue becoming thick as I stared at the table that I was going to be placed on. It had several straps that they were going to use to pin me down like the others that came before me. John walked me over to it as he quietly murmured,”Oh, Chickpea. You really messed up now.”

“Philia pets that do what you do are immediately put down.”,John continued. Keeping his voice down as he laid me out on the thing. I was unable to fight back as John started to tie me down. Along with a few of the other orderlies. It wasn’t like they needed to help him at all. As I wasn’t going to fight back at all. My mind was too tired to even start to fight back. I turned my gaze to the ceiling as I couldn’t do anything other than that. A few seconds later, these orderlies walked out of the room. Leaving John, Eric, and myself alone in this place. While Eric got everything together, John questioned,”Eric. Can I have a few minutes alone with Chickpea?”

“John, you know the protocol.”,Eric sternly stated. Lining up the proper things for what they were going to need for this. My pulse quickened as I briefly glanced over at them and then up at the ceiling again. Trying not to cry as I knew I wasn’t going to be alive much longer. While I tried to do this, John started playing with my hair gently. Running his fingers through my tresses. Calmly, John pleaded,”Please, Eric. I need just a few minutes alone with her. I want to say my goodbyes before we put her down.”

“She’s already secured. I just want a few minutes to tell her how much I care.”,he added. In a tone of voice that sent shivers down my spine. My stomach twisted inside of me as I continued to stare up at the ceiling. Tears started to cloud my vision as I tried to blink them away. His idea of ‘care’ was absolutely disgusting to me. This asshole didn’t really care about me. He cared about this version of me that he made up. While I laid there tied down tightly to this thing, I glanced down over to where Eric is. Who leaned over me to look into John’s eyes as he tightly gripped the side of the table. After a long awkward pause, he answered,”You’ll get two minutes. Nothing more and nothing less. But you owe me after this, John.”

“Thank you, Eric.”,John stated. A gross smile on his face as I heard Eric leave the room. After the door opened and closes, he petted my stomach gently as he leaned over me. Blocking my view of the ceiling. Softly, he muttered,”Oh, Chickpea. You were so damn close to finishing the program and becoming my Philia Pet.”

“How could you do this to me? To us? Weren’t you happy?”,he demanded of me. His voice was thick with emotion as he asked me this. This pathetic asshole didn’t even really care if I was happy or not. All he cared about was using me like I was some sort of teddy bear. And not as a human being. Glaring at him, I snapped,”No. I wasn’t. You used me like I was a fucking teddy bear and called me a ‘gender-freak’.”

“Why the fuck would I be happy about that?”,I hissed at him. There was a hurt look in his eyes when he petted my hair. If I could move my head away from him, I would have. But instead, I was just forced to lay there while Eric stroked my hair. Tearing up as he shook his head. Like he was trying to disagree with my feelings about all of this. As if he truly believed that he knew me better than myself. He quietly stated,”It was more than that. I was trying to cure you of this silly transgenderism thing you believed in.”

“My silly little chickpea, you are such a confused little thing. But such a sweet girl all the same. I was so proud of your progress and you did this…”,he trailed off. Gently kissing my forehead as he sighed deeply. Petting my hair as gently as possible. A second later, something warm hit my cheek. It took me a second to realize that he had started crying. Right until he started sniffling and hugged me tightly. Pulling a little bit away from me, he stated,”You were one of the best Philia Pets that I had ever met in my whole life.”

“I’ll never have another Philia Pet as wonderful as you.”,he vowed. Like I would even care if he never got another prisoner or not. Though I suppose I was grateful that someone else wouldn’t become his newest pet. They wouldn’t have to experience the indignity of living with him. Or sleeping on a former dog bed like I had. And I realized that I wouldn’t have to be sleeping on the former dog’s bed either. Neither would I be able to sleep on any other bed anymore. I tried not to linger on this as I turned my attention back to the ceiling. Listening to the door open again and footsteps approaching us. A few seconds later, I could hear Eric preparing the needle once more. Feeling something cold and wet on the crook of my elbow. An alcohol swab to clean it for the last injection that I ever would have in my life. A thing that I had never thought I would be experiencing so soon in my life. Well, I never thought it would happen in my life. No matter what age I was. Taking a few deep breaths as Eric presents the needle to me. Something that I doubted that they’re technically allowed to do. But he was only doing this to scare me before he killed me.

While I lay on the table, John reached down and grabbed my hand. Giving it a supportive squeeze while I felt the needle pierce my skin. My other hand formed into a fist as it happened. Clenching my jaw as I turned my attention back to the ceiling. While this painful feeling started going up my arm. It wasn’t like anything that I had ever felt in my life. There was nothing that my mind could compare this to. I found myself slowly unable to move as I stared at the ceiling. They were not only starting to feel numb but cold as well. Like I had been dunked into a frozen pond and left out on the bank of it to slowly die. Tears slowly ran down my face while this happened to me. It was something that happened to pets in the past. But I barely thought of how they felt while they were dying. Or if it was painful for them. I know that it wasn’t for fun. That these animals were more than likely dying already, and this was the most humane thing they could do.

I shouldn’t be thinking of these animals while I lay dying on a table. With a man who treated me like I was some confused freak animal holding me. Cooing nonsense words into my ear. Trying to soothe me while I slowly feel myself slipping away from my own body. But I couldn’t help it. It probably wasn’t anything like those poor animals who had been euthanized for one reason or another. My mind wouldn’t stop going over it while my body slowly turns to ice. I was feeling cold, stiff, and my vision started to tunnel. I think that’s what the term was. My vision was slowly darkening until I could only see a small bit of both men. Like they were miles away from me instead of being right next to me like they were…I thought that this was going to be agony for me. It isn’t exactly pleasant but, I feel like I’m slowly suffocating on something as I sink into it. Drifting my sight away from the ceiling, I look towards John. With what was going on I could barely see him. He was crying as he petted my hair. Mouth moving in a way that I guessed he was talking to me or something. But I couldn’t hear him through everything that was happening. It was probably some more soothing nonsense that didn’t matter.

Just like everything else that he was saying to me.

My mind drifted to the thoughts of Joanna. Caring that she had gotten away from the Woodrow Clinic in John’s crappy car. That she was going to drive out of this horrible city and move to somewhere where she could thrive again. I doubt it will be Canada or Mexico. But hopefully, someday she will be able to be herself. Anywhere else that isn’t near the United States. I felt my pulse slow as my thoughts slowly drifted away from me. I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into this pool of unconsciousness. My vision finally going completely dark while I fell into it. Unable to move as I felt myself fade away. The last thing that I thought of as I fell deep into this darkness was,’Please, whomever is out there. Let Joanna leave in peace and survive.’

‘Please.’

____________________________

It has only been about an hour since I last saw Gabriel. I know full well that he wasn’t going to be alive anymore. And my heart broke at the idea of my only real friend never being around anymore. It was terrifying to know that I would never speak to him again. But, I wouldn’t let his sacrifice be in vain as I drove down a dirt road. Ditching John’s car in the nearest ditch before I hurriedly ran through the woods. Unsure of where I was headed exactly. Since this place was said in passing by people before I was brought to the Woodrow Clinic.

So, I’m not entirely sure if it is real or not.

But, I had to be sure. The rumor of people like me and Gabriel out in the woods. Living their lives as who they used to be seemed unreal. Especially with everything that happened. Though I must keep looking for them. And while I walked there was this strange feeling that I was being watched. Followed by odd noises that sounded like animals that had existed before everything that had happened in the world. A moment later, there was a knife at my throat and someone whispering into my ear,”One more move and you’re dead. Who are you and why are you here?”

“I’m Joanna McClain and I’m looking for asylum with folks like myself.”,I answered. The person with the knife to my throat stood still for a moment. Then pulled the knife away from my neck. Gently, they turned me around to look me in the face. It took me a moment, but I realized that I knew this person. This was an old friend of mine, Alice. Softly, I stated,”Hello, Alice. It’s so good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Joanna. I’m sorry but we must be cautious out here.”,she explained. Leading me towards a path that was well hidden by bushes and trees. While we walked, she continued,”You never know what the ‘Right Ones’ will do.”

After a few minutes, we were in this camp of people of different ages. Other ‘Wrong Ones’ that I had heard of before. Each tent looked like it had been sewn together from scraps of fabric that they could get. I hoped to be able to fix them and keep them together better. Gently, Alice stated,”Welcome home, Joanna.”

“We hope that you enjoy your stay.”,she added. Touring me the camp while I wished that Gabriel could be with us. As we walked around, I prayed that he was with us in spirit. And that I would see him again one day wherever he is. And that he would be the last victim of the ‘Reparative Pal Program’.