Reasons I (and everyone else) Would Be Burned As A Witch

The events in Salem were but one chapter in a long story of people being hunted, tried and killed for acts of witchcraft. Although, arguably the most famous, the Salem Witch Trials occurred late in the sequence, with hunts and executions beginning in Europe, around 1330.

The Salem Witch Trials resulted in the deaths of 20 innocent men and women, which is a tragedy, but, an absurd one if you look at the actual reasons why...

1. You Looked The Part

Oh yes, if you looked like a typical witch from a bad cartoon it was your turn. I'm talking warts, crooked noses, slight hunch backs, hair on your upper lip...

There were so called 'experts' in witch recognition, and if you were unlucky enough to be too busy to get your 'tache waxed (come on ladies, we all have them), then your time was up.

2. You were over 40

At the time, witches could be male, female, old or young, but the vast majority of those accused...40+. Essentially, anyone who is aging and therefore displays age related illnesses, such as dementia, Alzheimer's, etc...

These weren't terrible age related diseases that require support. No. They were proof of your collaboration with the devil himself.

3. You didn't have children

Many accusations were made after a child, or children, fell ill.

With the current cost of living being too high, studies show most of Gen Z/Millennials are foregoing having children. But if your neighbours child got sick, than can only mean you've been casting evil spells out of jealousy right?

It was commonly believed that childless women were simply jealous of those who could have/wanted children and used their black magic to make them suffer.

4. You enjoyed sex

You sleep with a married man? Executed. You sleep with a man you're not married to? Executed. A man wants to sleep with you? You guessed it. Executed.

A woman being seductive of course meant she was practising black magic. A man cheating on his wife wasn't an awful person, no. He was a good man who had simply been under the spell of a devil worshipping temptress.

5. You talked to yourself

What could see like a harmless affliction could also be seen as quietly casting spells on your neighbours or having a conversation with Lucifer himself.

As someone who loves to 'practise' conversations (my social anxiety besties will understand), I can only imagine how crazy I sometimes look in public. But I promise I'm practising my coffee order in the queue at Starbucks, not casting spells on the poor barista.

6. You were friends with or related to another 'known' witch

In case it wasn't hard enough, pretending that you're not an evil sorceress. You now have to make sure that your best friend or sister also doesn't get caught, I don't know, doing simple mathematics

According to various 'expert witch hunting books', most witches were either; born a witch, or possessed by another witch. Noted Witch Hunter, William Perkins stated that witchcraft is learned. As such, being around someone accused of witchcraft or simply being related to one is enough of a reason to submit you to trial by fire.

7. You were left-handed

Now this one is getting extremely personal. Studies show that being left-handed was a sign of strong creativity, which, as a left-handed writer, I'd like to believe. But, of course, it's also a sign of devil worship...duh!

Since, statistically, it is more common to be right-handed, those who wrote or completed any common task left-handed were suspicious and therefore tried as a witch.

8. You had a cat

Again with the cartoon witch stereotypes, black cats are cute okay?

This of course is linked with the Christian ideology that cats are actually humans who had committed 'bad deeds' in their lifetime and so after death returned as the cutest animal ever...

9. YOU WERE A WOMAN

Of course we've talked about men being accused, and they were. But the main reason women were accused and executed as witches...good old sexism.