Primate: Somehow a rabid chimp isn’t the problem here

I had the misfortune of catching a pre-release screening of Primate earlier this week during a “Secret Movie Monday” at my local theater—an event where you buy a discounted ticket with absolutely no idea what movie you’re about to experience pre-release. Within minutes of the start of the movie, the theater filled with audible groans and several groups bailed immediately. They were the smart ones.

Primate was one of exactly two movies currently playing or coming soon that I had less than zero interest in seeing. Unfortunately, curiosity, sunk-cost fallacy, and discounted tickets kept me in my seat. What follows is my full, completely unfiltered review of Primate, hitting theaters January 9.

⚠️ Spoilers Ahead ⚠️

I will confess: I can be a tough critic when it comes to the film industry. Hollywood has become a recycling plant—sequels, prequels, spin-offs, remakes, adaptations, and the occasional “original” that somehow still feels like a reboot of something better. Truly unique films are rare, and when they do appear, they’re often… not great. Unfortunately, Primate is one for the history books - and not in a flattering way. I can see this becoming a trashy cult classic in about 30 years. It might even be up there with Sharknado and Anaconda already.

Let me also say this upfront: chimpanzees should absolutely not be pets. Full stop. So yes, I walked into this movie with bias, but Primate sprinted past my expectations and face-planted all on its own. Maybe that's why they picked a chimp instead of, say, a dog (hello, Cujo) or a bear (hello, Cocaine Bear) - because why not feed off of people's fear and logic to make a horror movie even more horrifying?

Unfortunately, the plot itself is flimsy at best. Character development is nearly nonexistent. Most of the characters are aggressively unlikable. The movie desperately wants Cujo energy, but instead delivers something far campier and somehow less believable—even though the threat is a rabid chimp. Literally a believable realistic premise at its core.

Primate is the story of a chimp, Ben, who gets rabies from a mongoose bite. He proceeds to terrorize a group of young adults in their Hawaiian home. Two of the girls are sisters whose late mother took Ben in as part of a linguistics study to teach chimps to communicate with humans. This story could have been fascinating, even as a horror premise, but sadly the creators did nothing with that. It is literally mentioned one time, mostly in passing as a poor attempt to add depth to the story.

The movie opens with the main character, Lucy, FaceTiming her sister to announce she’s coming home. We are told, multiple times, that Lucy hasn't been home in a long time. Why? No clue. But it's referenced many times, explained never, and ultimately means nothing for the plot.

Enter two dumb as nails young boys who clearly don’t know how to talk to women, quickly followed by Lucy’s best friend, Kate, and Kate's truly awful friend, Hannah. Hannah is instantly designated the "please let her die" character and really goes hard to keep that title.

Lucy’s sister, Erin, is clearly upset with Lucy for not coming home sooner and/or more often but, again, there is no explanation, no payoff, no emotional weight. The movie seems convinced this point matters, but refuses to explain why.

Lucy’s dad, Adam, is the only redeeming bright spot here. He's a loving, well-meaning dad with that peak Dad Energy™. He’s also deaf and the family communicates in sign language. While I appreciate the diversity and representation, this just seemed like a half assed attempt to tie into the linguistics backstory, that was also half baked from the start.

Naturally, the only real adult in this story, Adam, had to leave for a work trip immediately after finding a strange bite mark on Ben’s arm and a dead mongoose in Ben’s enclosure. He sends the mongoose off for testing and tells the kids not to let Ben out while he’s gone, the vet will come check him out. And cue the suspense. It is all downhill from here, folks.

The movie relies heavily—excessively—on jump scares. Ben silently standing behind someone. Ben popping up behind someone. Ben bursting through doors. Ben swinging from above like he’s auditioning for Cirque du Soleil. If the writers had spent half as much time developing the family’s (or Ben's) backstory as they did brainstorming ways for Ben to silently appear out of nowhere, maybe viewers would’ve cared even a little when people started dying. Show us some history on Lucy’s mom and her cancer backstory. Show us how the family came to adopt Ben. Show us what Lucy’s parents’ jobs entail and how or why it’s relevant to the plot. Show us something about Lucy’s individual story and why she was so far away from family for so long. Show us how Ben was bitten by the mongoose. Show us literally anything...

Instead, we get gore. Lots and lots of it. Jaws ripped off. Heads crushed. Flesh shredded. Bones broken. The violence exists purely for shock value, and it’s brutal without being meaningful.

Even worse? Not once did any of the characters think to grab a weapon for self defense. Not once. Kate’s brother came close by trying to shove Ben off a cliff and instead launched himself over the edge. They tried, twice, to rope Ben and both times he chewed his way through it before they could do anything with it. They risked their lives multiple times to try and get a phone or their car keys but not once was any kind of weapon ever even thrown out as an idea.

Ironically, early on, Hannah asked if they had a gun - a line clearly designed to further cement her as the worst character, but instead was the most logical thing anyone says.

Six people died in this movie. Meanwhile, Adam got texts from his vet confirming the mongoose had rabies (which he weirdly insisted doesn't exist in Hawaii), but instead of running home or calling someone who could get there faster, he texts and calls Lucy multiple times. Finally leaving his work event, he comes home to a dark house with trash strewn about and, deaf, slowly saunters around the house eating leftover pizza off the kitchen counter while Lucy desperately tries to distract rabid Ben from blindsiding dad. It isn't until Dad (Adam) finds one of the random airplane boys in his daughter's bed with his entire jaw ripped off that he started lurking, searching for his daughters and Ben. Shockingly, he proves nearly instantly that simply beating the chimp works. Groundbreaking. He's made progress in taking down a creature that 7 others haven't been able to for the entire movie.

The movie repeatedly attempts to sprinkle humor throughout, presumably as comic relief, but none of it lands. The painfully weird boys from the plane reappear later, and instead of laughing, I just cringed harder—at the acting, the writing, and the bleak portrayal of young men as walking punchlines.

In the end, Primate fails on every level. It isn’t entertaining. It isn’t interesting. It isn’t scary. It isn’t funny. It’s stressful, gory, anxiety-inducing, and deeply unpleasant.

I would say this is the worst movie I've seen this year, but we're only 5 days in... So instead, let's go with:

This is the worst movie I've seen in the past 365 days.

My final rating? One star for a movie that confuses gore for substance and jump scares for storytelling. Primate is less horror and more endurance test.

★☆☆☆☆

Thank you for reading!