Natural Insticts of the Basic Houseplant

“Good morning, Frank, my buddy. I got you some fresh coffee, careful because it is hot,” the gray-haired man with sausagy fingers dangling over my cubicle wall says to me. His voice is like the velvet bench at the center of your hometown strip joint.

“Greg. Yes, you are Greg and I am buddy Frank. Good morning, Gr-eg,” I say and then wink aggressively.

“We heard about the accident, it’s good to have you back at the office,” Greg says.

“I work here,” I tell him and smile using all of my teeth. I pick up the coffee and drink half of it down, the steam filling my nostrils as it spills down the sides of my face.

Greg pulls his arms slowly away from the cubicle, but maintains eye contact. “Are you sure you aren’t still a little concussed?”

“I am fine,” I tell him, which is completely true, except that I am not Frank. Frank died about two and a half weeks ago from neck injuries during a fall while hiking. I swear to whatever gods you worship I had nothing to do with his death. It was just fortunate coincidence for me that he fell in my pathway. I was just a seed at the time, waiting for the right conditions to germinate, when a fresh warm body fell within reach.

I’m not from this planet. Or, maybe I am? I know I was a seed and then I was Frank. Before that could have been any amount of time. I could’ve floated through space for thousands of years and landed here on this planet. Or I could’ve been frozen and launched from an iceberg holding the building blocks for the planet's first life. Maybe I am a spontaneous creation altogether?

I do not know, but I touched Frank and my roots sprouted. They wrapped around his nerves and his bones, they fused to muscles and eyes, and my juices flowed into his synapses. I repaired his wounds. I enhanced his capabilities. His body still functions, he eats, he sleeps, he jacks off. We work together as one. I am Frank and I am the seed, now sprouted and viney, in my fertile soil, embedded to the core.

But, in this moment, right here, right now… I am just Frank.

“I am fine, G-reg. Better than ever and ready to work hard for the day. I’ve been off for so long and I can’t imagine how many of the emails I received. Got to catch up on meeting notes, ring ring it is my phone,” I said and sat down.

I really want to make a good impression with these creatures. I want to make a life amongst them because even though their friend Frank is gone, I am both myself and Frank. I have his memories, his knowledge, his hopes and dreams, his heart and lungs. Despite some slight brain damage from being legally dead for 3 minutes and twelve seconds, I think I can really make a place for myself in this society.

I make it through the day with few incidents. I answered the phone by screaming “HELLO” and waiting patiently for the person to talk before forwarding them at random to another department. At lunch I ordered an all mustard sandwich on marbled rye with onion rings on the side (hold the batter.) When the clock turned to 4pm, I hurled all the papers off my desk with the swipe of my left hand and announced I would be leaving for the day.

“Frank, are you going to be feeling well enough for the company party on Saturday?”

“Will all 34,798 employees be in attendance?” I asked Greg.

“I mean, they are all invited, yes. I think the company gets a pretty big turnout. They basically rent out an entire theme park for the event and let us all come for free,” Greg said.

“I will turnout and bring fruit salad,” I told Greg.

“I think the company has all the food covered,” Greg says.

“I will not bring a fruit salad,” I turn and tiptoe quietly out of the office.

The more time goes by the better I am able to repair Frank’s brain. With each new human interaction I am able to pull in a little more healing power. Nothing to harm the other person, but a little electric boost to my own growth. I am looking forward to the large outing to meet as many new people as possible.

Saturday arrives and I eagerly wait at the gates for the park to open. I am the first person to arrive by far and I go to the event center to sit and wait patiently for the lunchtime raffle.

“Frank, hey there, good to see you out man. I know a lot of people have been worried about you,” a long haired woman with too much cleavage sits next to me.

“Jan-ees,” I say and smile at her. I feel the electric pulse between us.

“Janice, yeah, in human resources, looks like everyone is filtering in for the lunch. I would usually skip the lunch myself, but they have some really wicked prizes this year in the raffle. I would bet half the company is in this room right now. You got your eye on something?”

“I do have my eye on something, yes,” I say and nod enthusiastically.

“Oh, really, what is it? The barbecue grill? How many tickets did you put in for it,” she laughs and slaps a long-nailed hand at my stomach.

“Oooph,” I double over in pain.

“I’m so sorry, hon, are you okay?”

I can hear panic in Janice’s voice and I look down to see my stomach tight and extending.

“I had no idea, but it explains my thirst for knowledge” I say to Janice and clutch my stomach.

“No idea of what, Frankie?” Janice asks.

My stomach swells further and the buttons pop from my blue and red Hawaiian print shirt revealing a round hairy belly rapidly increasing like a balloon.

“I had no idea I was pregnant,” I tell Janice just before my ribs break apart and my stomach explodes with a shower of excrement and gore and… my seeds. Tens of thousands of seeds rain down on the room.

Each one of my children will find its host. It was my natural instinct to find the largest group of people I could.

They no longer need me. My children will fit in well with this kind society.

THE END