My Guardian

Everyone has a guardian, someone or something that watches over them since birth. Some people claim to see their guardian angels in the form of Archangel Michael or Gabriel, they’re seen as beautiful creations that radiate God’s grace. Some people however aren’t so lucky. They’ve always been there, ever since I can remember; my protector, my saving grace.

Some days I could even hear it speak, or at the very least make noises in my ears. I think it would freak people out, but honestly it’s like having a shadow that is alive that makes fun of you. My name is Elizabeth and I have a guardian demon. 

My guardian had always been there ever since I could remember for a while I perceived it as an imaginary friend. He was always there just out of sight; he was a decrepit looking thing but he never scared me, even as a child. This guardian didn’t radiate God’s light as many would like to believe, instead he radiated haunted bog energy. The kind of thing that when they walk their steps are wet and sloshy. Although he never scared me, I also simultaneously felt uneasy; as if I had always eaten something not quite right. 

I never named him, but he would whisper a name in my ear whenever he had the opportunity. ‘Fysus’ I don’t know what it means or if it means anything. Maybe that’s his name or maybe something entirely different; unfortunately now, I’ll never know. 

Throughout my life he would tell me what to do, or at the very least suggest things that I shouldn’t. I’ll never forget the time that my friends got hit by a drunk driver when I was thirteen. I was supposed to go to Carrie’s house that night but my guardian suggested I stay home and study for my maths test instead. Or another time when I was seventeen there was a party, and a bunch of girls got roofied and assaulted at the party. Another suggestion from my guardian that I should just stay home. I avoided so many possible life or death situations when I was a kid, I even saved my dad from getting on a plane on September 11th 2001 because of my guardian. 

I was told by him to pretend to be sick, do anything I could to make my dad stay home because and in his words, ‘no one should live without a dad.’ Those words terrified me so much so that the night before I snuck a pack of peanuts knowing I would have a really bad allergic reaction. I ate the nuts in the morning and my dad had to rush me to the hospital. I’m twenty seven now and my guardian has been gone for six months. That day was the worst day of my life; it’s like someone took a part of me and ripped it from my body.

***

He always existed somewhere behind me, somewhere always just out of sight, until today. It’s like a presence passed through me and left me breathless. I fell to the sidewalk wheezing, it felt like the first stage anaphylaxis; the dizziness, the breathlessness, the complete lack of oxygen. But when I looked up there he was. My bog demon laid there on the ground so I could see him in full view for the first time ever. He looked at me with fear in his piercing orange eyes. Water melted away from him and left a puddle on the ground that only I could see. 

“Run.” It screamed in a language I’d never learned and yet could understand. He laid there on the ground in a sight that should have terrified me; instead I felt a warmness rush over me. He resembled my uncle, and I wondered if it was on purpose. I lost my uncle when I was young so I don’t really remember him aside from a basic appearance. He was handsome much like my father with golden eyes and hair like honey. It was like a spitting image right in front of me. 

“Jason?” I muttered to myself. 

“Lizzie…” he looked up at me with fear in his eyes. “Run Elizabeth you have to run! Get out of here, save yourself.” He couldn’t be my uncle Jason, that would be impossible. He was telling me to run and yet here I stood, something compelling me to step forward and go to him, not away from him. 

“I…” I kept stepping towards him. It was late, the sun had already set and I had been walking home. The streets were empty, and I wanted to save him. He saved me so many times, he kept me safe when no one else could even begin to fathom the possibilities of something happening to me. “I can’t leave you…” I pleaded with my guardian. 

“Remember me Lizzie!” I felt a cold gust of wind pass through my body. My body moved on its own; I couldn’t control it. I blacked out cold and before I knew it I was laying on my dad’s couch staring at the disgusting popcorn ceiling. I felt something cool on my neck and forehead. The minute I made a noise my dad immediately perked up. 

“Jesus Christ Elizabeth, do you realize the fright you put me through?” he asked. Elizabeth? Dad never called me that. He always called me Betty like the Archie’s character I was named after. “I found you on the steps face down, I thought something happened.” He pulled me into his arms. I looked around the room in a panic, where was he? Where was my guardian? 

“D-Daddy…” I let out a soft whimper and closed my eyes. The panic in Fysus’ eyes the fear it placed in my literal soul, I knew something was wrong. I couldn’t see him anymore, I couldn’t see my guardian behind me, or in front of me and it made me feel the most unsafe I had ever felt in my entire life. I let out a loud sob when I realized he wasn’t there. I couldn’t feel his presence anymore. What happened? Where did my bog demon go? Where was he? 

“I was so worried Lizzie…” He held me tight as I sobbed. He didn’t know why I was so upset or what happened and I didn’t know how to explain it to him. How could I? Sorry dad, I’m having a panic attack because my guardian bog demon isn’t with me anymore? Do you realize how crazy I would sound?

For the rest of the night I laid with my dad in his room with him, crying myself in and out of consciousness. I don’t know if I could ever process what I went through that night without professional help; even with professional help, there’s no way that they wouldn’t label me a schizophrenic or something like that. 

Six months came and went. I tried to process it on my own, but it felt weird; going through the motions that everyone else goes through without help. I continued through life these last six months without guidance, not knowing if I should leave the house or if something bad is going to happen to me. It got to the point I thought about secluding myself from everyone and everything. I didn’t want to leave the house. 

It wasn’t until one day I was walking to work, through a construction zone and something inside me screamed to run. I didn’t even know what had happened until I was on the other side of the crosswalk and I turned around to look, only to find that a steel beam had fallen loose from the crane. Fysus? I closed my eyes and thought about him. 

I’m right here. I could hear his eerie voice. His language that wasn’t mine and yet could understand perfectly. 

I wondered how this could have happened, where he had been for the last six months only to hear a soft laugh, the same laugh I would hear behind me whenever he and I would lay on the couch watching TikTok. I’ve always been here, and I’ll always be here, but it’s nice to know that you’ve finally learned to speak my name. 

Those words should have been unsettling. But instead I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I felt whole, I felt complete again.

I stand in front of a window and I see my reflection staring back at me, except in it my eyes hold a soft amber glow and my reflection flashes a smirk before returning to normal. Everyone has a guardian who watches over them from birth to death. Most people describe them as angelic, however I’m different. I don’t have a guardian angel. I have a guardian demon who watches my back. Who watches yours?