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chances of connection on this amazing new app

By M.Published about a year ago 6 min read
Limited
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

Remember: each person is unique! Here on Limited, we encourage our users to talk and meet each other. Of course, feel free to swipe left or cancel a match – just be mindful of how many opportunity you’ll lose by doing so.

> Hey Lucas. What’s up?

> Hey sweetie. Looking for a daddy?

> Eh. Not really.

You’re my first match on the app.

> Strange.

You give that sort of vibe.

> What vibe?

> The one who appreciates being cared for ;)

> Well, I think everyone likes that…

> Yea

well

if that’s how you wanna go.

> What do you mean?

> You start with a what’s up and now you’re being a bitch

Just say you’re not interested

> Yea you know what

Now I’m not

> Get ****ed

---

> Hey Cassie. Rough night, hope you’re having better luck in here.

> Hi Emily. Well, ups and downs as always, but I’m happy we matched. I was really hoping into that, your profile’s amazing, plus I think we have a lot in common!

> Ah really! What stroke your fancy?

> Oh, I’m a huge bookie like you… I think I read ‘Over the hill’ around three times this year. A good book is a good friend you know, except it cannot leave you xD

> That’s romcom right? I’m more into adventure and stuff but maybe I should check it out

> And there’s this part were they get together and it’s so sweet omg just makes you feel “why can’t I have that too”

Sure do, you’ll like it

> What else you like to do in your spare time?

> Giving lots of hugs to my dog, Charlie

he’s in the second picture

trying to get more sociable but even being on this app stresses me out

> I get you there. I’m not totally comfortable here as well

> It’s hard

are you on something too?

> What do you mean?

> Valium

Xanax

that good stuff

> Ah, no. I’m not taking meds.

> Ah wow

but they’re great

I don’t know how people came up with that, I couldn’t be without

you there?

> Just making dinner

listen, wanna go for a drink sometimes? You’re not far, I know a nice pub.

> Hmmm

If you come to my place we can snuggle with Charlie and be comfy

> Well, that might happen later. If you don’t like the pub, we could still hit the movie theatre

> Just writing to say I’m going to unmatch you. I don’t think this could work, I cannot be with a judgemental person.

> When have I been judgmental?

> Just read the chat.

---

> Woooooh a match! I hope you’re ready for this because I sure ain’t Emily

you know plenty of fish in the sea but I suck at swimming

> Lol

It’s not like I’m any good either

> Doubt it

I mean, you can’t possibly suck at it like me

> Let’s not make a competition out of it

What’s cooking Stan?

> Currently? Nothing, but I’m eating some noodle soup

> Love that. Good ones?

> Well I don’t blame you if you unmatch but they’re the shitty, package kind

comfort food amirite

> Aahah, well

Been there

> I actually know an amazing noodle shop nearby, dunno if you ever went. It’s very authentic, plus there’s a beer place in the same area

I’d love to bring you over someday

> Dreamy! What about this Friday?

> Oh sure.

‘round seven thirty? I’ll book.

> Good for me.

> Hey Emily

Sorry for yesterday

I am not usually like that, I got nervous

I know I fucked up the whole evening and I’m mortified. I realize it was going so well but the whole time I waited for the other shoe to drop. I kinda panicked and drank too much

> Bullshit. That’s not what panicked people do.

> I’m trying to say

I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have. I know it’s hard but I can be better

If you ever want to go to a second date, I’ll make it up for you. It will be my treat

Anything, really, even a walk in the park would be great

just let me know what you think, ok?

Still there?

I’m really sorry, you know

You know you’re not supposed to swipe a lot?

Are you trying people out or what? You dump me just after one mistake?

I’ve said I’m sorry. Please come back.

Come back.

---

> Finally a human face

> Hey

> I kid you not this app is making me mad

not a good opener I know but I’m at the end of my wits

> Have you been here long? This is literally my first week

and I feel already like I’m window shopping for meat

> Preach.

I’ve been on and off for a couple of months. It’s the only way this thing can really work. Jump in, casual fuck, jump out. Not much different than the other dating apps in the end

> Well, sucks

This is my first app actually. I’m not much a one night girl. No judgement, it’s just not for me. I thought this was supposed to be different

The whole jazz about each person being important and wanting to emphasize communication

> That’s marketing for you

I’m sorry, I must be souring your evening

> It’s ok. You know what, it’s getting kinda late for me. Let’s talk again tomorrow?

> Sure.

---

Not getting enough matches? Subscribe to LIMITED PLATINUM. Now for just ✚▒ a month.

---

---

> Nice To Meet You Emily

> Hey, nice to meet you too Daniel

Love the hat

> Thanks. It Is A Very Nice Hat.

Bought It On A Trip.

> To where?

> South America

Europe

Can’t Really Remember Now

> Well, allright

I always wanted to visit South America, hard to decide on the place though

plus I always tell myself I should learn a bit of Spanish before going

> I Did A On-The-Road Trip In Mexico

It Was A Soul Searching Thing

Not Many Understand

> Ok

Why are you writing like that?

> What Do You Mean

> Capitalizing every initial

I thought it could be a software issue but no phone would do that

> I Don’t Understand

This Is Normal

This Is Normal

This Is Normal

This Is Normal

This Is Normal

---

> Please, I don’t have much more left. Let’s go out. Something. I’ll pay.

> Hey… Anthony? What’s wrong?

> We need to stick together. I don’t care if you are an antivaxxer or what. I’m at █████ getting, █████ soon

> Something’s wrong with the app.

Either that or this is your idea of an original approach.

> Fuck

no

please, don’t █████████ leave me

████ dark

> Yea. Ok Anthony. Better luck next time.

---

I don’t understand this. It feels like a joke, the kind some messed up kid at your local public school might come up with. Cruel and unnecessary, but that’s exactly the point, isn’t it? Making a quick laugh of someone that was honestly trying. Naive enough to put an effort. And I was. Oh God I was. What else was I going to do, hitting pubs? Strike up conversations with random strangers in hope of feeling anything, anything at all?

On second thought, maybe I should have. But no, I had to put myself on the meat market, I had to comply since that’s what everyone else is doing. Emily is too precious to fuck and fail like normal people; Emily wants LOVE spelled all in capitals and well now she just wants to crawl in a hole and cry. Except I’m so dried up I doubt anything would come out, maybe some dust.

If only. If only I could put a brave face and fuck around, instead of thinking of ending things.

n.d.a: photos in this stories were made with thispersondoesnotexist.com

fiction

About the Creator

M.

Half-time writer, all time joker. M. Maponi specializes in speculative fiction, and speculates on the best way to get his shit together.

Author of "Reality and Contagion" and "Consultancy Blues"

Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

Top insight

  1. On-point and relevant

    Writing reflected the title & theme

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Comments (1)

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  • ReadShakurrabout a year ago

    Thanks for the recommendation

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