I Dream of Being Bewitched

There's a beautiful young woman hovering 20 feet in the air on a broomstick while sobbing quietly out in the driveway; hurling clothing, toiletries, and personal objects out the window of a suburban home and onto the lawn below with telekinesis.

Witch: I can't even believe I let myself date you, my mother was right...

Man: Honey, I get you're mad. I do. But it's just a bottle I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN WHEN I RUBBED IT!

Witch: It's not the fact that you rubbed a bottle. IT'S THAT YOU RUBBED HERS! WHY HERS!

*The witch hurls a toothbrush through a pine tree in the yard, which collapses in on itself then falls to the ground.

Man: I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS HERS! IT WAS JUST A BO-

Witch repeats the man’s words mockingly: It WaS JuSt A BoTtLe

I don't even know why I bother with men to begin with!

*she raises her face from the palms of her hands which is covered in running mascara.

Witch: YOU'RE ALL THE SAME!

Man: sweetheart that just isn't true...

*She says once again sobbing uncontrollably

Witch: All I ever wanted was a man to sweep me off my feet!

Man speaking irritably: Darling, I understand! BUT I CAN'T DO THAT WHEN YOU WON'T GET OFF THE FUCKING BROOM!

Suddenly, theres a loud POOF! A cloud of smoke appears as a sexy young blond woman steps out of the smoke, half-dressed, wearing a pair of silk leggings and a silk hijab only covering her hair.

The young woman speaks...

Jeannie: MASTER! I'M ALL FINISHED!

Man: I told you to stop calling me that...

Witch: THERE'S THE PRISSY LITTLE HOMEWRECKER RIGHT THERE!

*she points to Jeannie

Witch: HEY BITCH! Do you even know what culture you're appropriating!?!?

Jeannie: Master, is this old woman being a problem? I can deal with her if you'd like...

Man: no no n-

The witch conjures a ball of lightning in her left hand.

Witch: WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND TRY IT ALI BABA BARBIE!

Man: Honey! Now...Now calm down! Can't you two just find common ground!?

Jeannie: But master I-

Witch: MASTER! MASTER! Don't you know how demeaning that is? Like, what's your whole purpose? To serve man? Really if you think about it that's what they think we're all here for anyways, don't they?

Jeannie: well now that you mention it...

Witch: You're one of the most powerful creatures to have ever existed and you've been reduced to....what? A magic thot that grants wishes?

Jeannie: I did always want to be a hairstylist...

Witch: But you can't! You never will! All because he rubbed you off one day, something you probably never even asked for...now he thinks he owns you!

Man: No I do-

Witch: PATRIARCHAL BULLSHIT!

Jeannie: You know what? I think you're right....

*Jeannie scrunches her face cutely as a massive plume of fire engulfs the man's lower abdomen and legs

Man: MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!

Witch: THAT'S RIGHT GIRL! YOU DO YOU! FUCK THAT MISOGYNIST ASSHOLE

*Jeannie winks again adorably as the man is entirely engulfed in a plume of fire and can be heard screaming in agony

*The witch applauds and giggles joyously as the pyre of her forlorn lover begins to dissipate into smouldering ash.

Jeanie: Well, what do we do now?

Witch: Let's go to the club, get really drunk off of Jaeger shots and ask boys their birthdays!

Jeannie: OK!

*Fin