Hudson

I had 3 soulmates in my life before I met him. You know. Like the real kind of soulmate... where it feels like destiny found one puzzle piece perfectly square and found somewhere it fits perfectly too.

I’m sorry. I’m 4 bottles of 1942 in; and this is solely an explanation of where my inhibitions went with my sudden forwardness. I might be so bold tonight to even consider that it’s probably because I am way too broken inside... I’m begging you to save me. But you need to know from the beginning.

Where my unhealthy obsession with the soul comes from.

My first soulmate was nonromantic. It was my older brother, of course. If it weren’t for him I would be certain I was accidentally born here. I have what professionals refer to as a sensory disorder. I guess I don’t say it out loud much because Jahari was the first one to recognize it, and young too. I was six when I had my first night-terror. Mom was working and Jahari only two years older sat up calmly and with resounding sternness said, “I can turn the lights on. It’s okay to be scared of the dark.”

I hugged my blanket tightly and trying to sound equally confident whispered back “it’s just the shadows outside.”

He laughed and then put mom’s Lilac candle on the window sill. I rolled back over and went to sleep but he must have stayed watching over the window all night. I didn't feel the shadow looking in anymore like a lost dog looking for a home. And it had to be sometime before dusk when I felt his hand on my chest and heard him whisper in a gravelly voice. "Hudson will always be watching you."

To be honest I thought he was just delirious. He was only 8 himself. From that point forward I called him Hudson, and he just rolled with it. Every time I brought it up though, he just stared at me with confusion in his eyes. Always pretending for me.

It was only 3 years after that encounter that I would learn of the concept of romantic love and soulmates. My brother ran away just 5 short years after. I never went to therapy so what happened next I took to be just a young mind playing tricks.

For years, just prior to dusk I would feel his hand on my back and him whispering into my ear. "Hudson is always watching you". And to this day I don't really know where he truly went. Mom doesn't like to talk about it. Legally at 16 where I'm from you can be emancipated. Mom wouldn't tell me if he got emancipated or not, though.

You already know of the ex I thought I would marry and how I was lead to you.

I need you to understand how special you are to me. It was in you I felt my search had stopped. The night we met I stopped feeling his hand across my back. I stopped feeling his gravelly voice touch my eardrum. I thought it had meant he knew I was safe and let me be. That was good because I knew he could finally exist in his own peace... wherever he truly was.

It felt only right then to name our new baby boy after the uncle he would never get to meet.

Which brings me to why I'm penning this to you only weeks after giving birth to our baby boy. I was so proud at the moment to see my destiny come full circle, I never stopped to think fully over what exactly my destiny was turning out to be.

I decided to tell my mom the same story of Jahari and I when we were six. She stared at me with her mouth Agape telling me I was supposed to have an older brother. Exactly two years older than myself. She was going to name him Hudson... like the river.

I don't know what's going on anymore but I know it's not right. When you find this, I have taken Hudson to the address on the back of this sheet.

It's time for me to confront my last soulmate. The one who latched on from the very beginning feeding on me until I felt my very life force drain.