How to Handle Helplines

How can I help you?

I am lost. I can't tell if I'm in a desert, or a forest, or even an urban environment.

Do you know how you got there?

No. I woke up blind and with strange sounds and smells around me.

What kind of sounds and smells?

Loud sounds, yet quiet at the same time. Ugly smells, yet ones that I could grow to like.

What else can you sense?

I think I feel hard ground beneath me, the kind of hard that gives way over time and can become soft.

Are you sitting or standing?

I am sitting on the hard ground. I trust it will become more comfortable.

Is there anything else you can touch?

I think there are large objects around me, warm to the touch yet harder than the ground beneath me. I think I shall stand, see if the large objects are bigger than I.

What did you find?

They are not as large as I thought; half the height of a man. They are very warm. They are all around me.

What is the air like?

I can breathe fairly well, the air is cool but the ugly smells already seeming less ugly make the air seem warm. It is thick, the air. I can feel it.

Have you sorted out the sounds?

They are growing louder yet quieter as I stand. They are like no sounds I have ever heard. High-pitched, with a low undertone that makes it seem the whole sound is meant to be low. Nothing alive could make such a sound, I am certain.

Can you move?

I am able to move.

Could you move in a forward direction?

I am trying to get past the large objects that surround me on all sides. I am trying to step over them, and they seem to be much wider than they are tall.

Are they flat on top?

They are mostly round on top, but I can walk across them without trouble.

Can you make your way over them?

I am attempting to cross on the tops. The warmth is heating me and the smell and sounds seem to be coming from the objects. It is difficult to walk across without seeing my path.

Is the object continuous?

As of yet, it is, like a platform. I find I can appreciate the smell more now. It is easier to breathe.

Does this worry you?

Not in the least. My fears are fading with the cool air made warmer with each step I take.

Is the smell toxic?

I’m not dead, am I?

Does it seem like a drug?

If drugs make the air around you a mixture of temperatures that clash without mixing, a symphony of contradictory noises, and a plethora of smell that is unpleasant yet you long to smell it. If this is a drug, I am most likely far from home.

Can you ascertain more of your surroundings?

Not at the moment. I am still blind. How I’m not sure. I cannot reach my arms to my head.

Are your arms broken?

No, just held to my sides as if by magnets.

Do you have any other impairments?

My neck aches and I cannot feel my ears, but that is all.

Is there any pain?

No, and I can hear fine. Other than my neck, I am growing quite comfortable.

Are you still moving?

No, I have sat down for a rest. The objects are warm and no longer hard. I shall sleep for a while and perhaps wake in safety once more.

NO! DO NOT FALL ASLEEP!

Why not? Don’t you wish you could rest those weary eyes? It’s warm and soft here. I’d like to stay. Who needs vision when you can have this symphony, this aroma…?

STAY AWAKE!

You were supposed to help me. They told me you would help. Let me sleep. It’s all I need now. That’s how you can help me.

Who told you we would help you?

They did. Voices. Before I woke up. I had this device in my hand and your number on the screen. I was told you would help. Now let me sleep.

Ask them where you are.

Ask who?

The voices. Whoever.

They only answer in dreams. Let me sleep, and I’ll tell you.

Use caution.

Sweet dreams.

Are you there?

Are you still there?

Hello?

I am here.

What happened?

I know not of what you speak.

Why didn’t you answer right away?

I am governed no longer by time; cease your complaints.

What are you talking about?

Something marvelous has occurred, and I am free.

Did you fall asleep?

For one thousand years, then I was woken and all hindrances were gone.

Do you have your sight back?

I need not mere sight from physical eyes, no, but I know now where I am.

So you don’t need my help anymore?

No, but I have enjoyed conversing with you. Would you like to know where I am?

Where are you?

I am deep in the quantum realm and the Quantum governors gave me a deep quantum communicator to get in touch with you. They said you would help me, at first. I no longer need your help, of course, since I am now one with quantum energy and am far superior to anyone, anywhere, and anything I have ever been or done.

Really?

No, I’m actually in my backyard. Sike! Hang up, helpline lady. You guys need more practice in the whole helping thing. Bye now.

~LINE DISCONNECTS~

What idiots. You can get anyone to believe anything nowadays.

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What was that? It sounded like...now that I think about it, a high-pitched sound that has a low undertone that makes it seem like the whole sound is supposed to be low-pitched…

HELLO, CHILD.

Who is that?

EVERYTHING IS NOW ABOUT TO COME TRUE.

What? What “everything”?

YOU WILL SEE. BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY, CHILD. WE DO NOT TAKE THINGS LIGHTLY IN QUANTUM SPACE.

What? No, it was all a joke...I didn’t mean anything by it!

NOTHING IS A JOKE IF ONLY ONE PERSON FINDS IT FUNNY. COME.

No! Aaah! Help! Someone!

~STATIC~

...Where am I? What is this? Why aren’t my eyes working? Hang on, maybe my phone works…

Hello, this is Chicago General Helpline #46. How can I help you?

Am I ever glad to hear your voice. See, the thing is, I’m lost…