Horror Movie Survival Guide

So, you’ve found yourself in a horror movie setting. What tipped you off? The spooky background music? The typical, cliche horror movie characters around you? The fact that there’s a monster stalking you and your friends?

Whatever it was, you’re here now. There’s no changing that. There’s nothing you can do to go back to get out of it. At this point, you just need to know how to survive until the evil being coming after you is gone. For the time being, at least.

1. There’s strength in numbers.

This seems like a no-brainer, but fear can do things to your thinking. You can easily forget that you need to stay with your group. Sure, some of you may die until you guys are safe enough, but if you want the majority to stay alive, STAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

2. If you’re going to split with the group, take someone with you.

Maybe you just need to use the bathroom. Perhaps you need to go on a supply run. If you end up having to split, take someone with you. Four eyes are better than two. And if it comes to it, you can use your buddy as a human shield.

3. Invest in non-firearm weapons.

Even if you’re not in a zombie horror movie setting, anything that isn’t a firearm will help you so much. You can’t be certain that that evil thing is alone. If you fire that gun and seemingly kill that being, its buddy can emerge from the shadows and be even stronger.

4. Whatever you do, don’t go up.

Unless you have an actual escape route even if you end up going upstairs. If you don’t, then make sure you say your last goodbyes. There’s literally no way you can escape the thing that’s chasing you. So, you know, good luck.

5. Dump the person who suggests splitting up.

Refer to rule number 1. If he wants to split up so bad, allow him to split from the group. He is, without a doubt, going to get the entire group killed. The whole goal is to ideally keep every single person alive. And if you’re going to be that guy, just do everyone a favor and maybe consider sacrificing yourself instead.

6. Don’t have sex.

On that note, you should avoid anything remotely sexual or romantic. Don’t hold hands. Don’t kiss. Nothing like that. Now, I’m not saying break up with your significant other. I’m saying just be careful. In every horror movie, the sexual couple is always the first to go.

7. Listen to your pet or child.

It is said that pets and children can more easily sense ghosts or just general evil. So if they’re acting strange, fearful, or just otherwise different, please just do your family a favor and get the hell out of the house.

8. If something is abandoned, there’s probably a good reason.

You know the horror movie trope that makes every abandoned place creepy as all hell? Yeah, there's a good reason for that. Warehouse, church, apartment building. If it’s completely empty, just turn around. It’s not worth it to explore that creepy abandoned building.

9. Wear sensible shoes.

Again, this may be a no-brainer, but fear really does things to your head. If you don’t have sneakers, boots, or really anything that isn’t heels, then just go barefoot. There’s a huge chance that you’re going to have to run away from the villain.

10. Wear sensible clothes.

To bounce off the last rule, you just just wear an overall sensible outfit. Something you can easily move in. Skinny jeans, long skirt, or long dress can make it difficult for you to move and get away quickly.

11. If you think the villain is dead, don’t go and check.

Maybe he really is dead. But maybe he isn’t. And if you do go to check, then the chance that he isn’t dead just increases. So unless you have a death wish, just keep walking.

12. Cut your hair short.

This allows you to get away easier and doesn’t really give the killer a chance to grab your hair. If you can’t bring yourself to part with any amount of your hair, at least find a way to contain it. Just somehow make sure your hair is out of the way and there’s no way that the killer can grab it.

13. Unexplained occurrences? Leave.

Sure, the presence in your home may not be that dangerous, but if you’re truly in a horror movie setting, then you’re in massive danger. Just get out of there as soon as you possibly can. If you feel like you need to pack, just take ONLY WHAT YOU NEED. No more. If you take any longer, then the more likely you’re going to be killed.

14. Don’t bury your pet, child, wife, etc in that strange cemetery.

You’ve seen Pet Semetery, right? You know what happens to anyone who get buried in the strange cemetery in the backyard. Just don’t do it. That is, unless you’re willing to deal with the consequences.

15. And finally, don’t build a house on top of dead bodies.

This is usually in reference to ancient Native American burial grounds, but I think it’s just safe to not build any sort of building on a burial ground. Who knows what creepy thing is still lingering on the grounds? And that thing could potentially follow you when you leave. Well, assuming you get out alive.

All in all, just use some common sense and learn from previous horror films. Try your best to push that fear to the side. You need to get out with your life.