her little secret black book

" I'm sorry Kayla." she says with her usual apologetic face as she gets ready to leave the table, this is the third time this week she has done this.

" Alright" I say trying to hide my bitter tone under the little smile on my face. it seems to not work because she stops and sighs " I'm really am Kayla, today is just not a good time for me. "

" just like yesterday?" I say in a little hush tone. she sits back down and cross her arms on the table. " and they day before that? and Tuesday?" i keep going even though i know how this conversation is going to end.

she doesn't say anything, she just looks down at her arms, studying the stripes on her bracelet. I sighed " Marcey...we can't keep keep doing this"

she looks back up at me with pleading eyes " we can try again tomorrow " she gripped my hand " i promise, i won't blow you off "

" you said last week " i stated before pulling my hand from hers " and the week before that and the week before, Marcey ".

" this is hard for me " she says as she recrosses her arms. " this is hard for me too Mar " i raise my voice a little so she knows that i'm serious this time, i'm tried of this cycle of putting the problem off, she needs to address it.

" do you think that this whole thing that's going on doesn't affect me ?" i say leaning forward " you think i don't feel away about all this? "

"i didn't say that " she shot back and i rolled my eyes.

" i can't keep doing with you, you can't keep say tomorrow but tomorrow never comes."

" you said you would be here me " " yeah, that was before i knew you wasn't going to be there yourself "

"wow!" shes say while tossing her in the air. " i thought you understood me!"

" i'm trying to understand you but your not opening up!" our voices are getting louder with frustration and i almost forget where we were if it wasn't for the voices of people around us. i looked around to see that some people in lunchroom was looking at us. i straighten myself up for continuing quietly with the conversation.

"what i mean is that, you don't tell me anything, you never say how your feeling or what's going on, your just blocking me out"

she sat there in silence for a few seconds before saying in a shaky voice "i just..." she paused but started again " i didn't mean to block you out "

" then don't " i gently take her hand again " i know its hard, but act least tell something, anything "

" you won't understand " she squeezed my tighter, like she feared that i would be ripped from her.

" then help me mar, help understand "

she hesitated before trying to speak but stopped again. i squeezed her hand and said gently " it's alright, no matter what it is i'm not going anywhere "

she looked into my eyes for a bit before giving me a nod and began to speak.

"well, what i need to tell is-" before she could finish her sentence the sound of a ringtone goings off. she stops and looks down and digs into her bag to fish out her phone. she pulls it out and looks at the id and sighs "its my mom " she says while getting up. "this shouldn't be long.." she gives me a look and signal her with my for he to go " go, i be right here ".

she shakes he head and answer the phone and walk off. i sigh and stretch, at least we're getting somewhere, i hope i at least get a little bit of info so i know what to do to help her. i pick up my phone to distract myself for a bit when something caught my eye. on the floor next to the table leg was a book, a little black book to be exact. that's Marcey's personal book.

"how did you get there" i mumbled to myself. i reached down and pick it up and study it. i never saw her without it, or ever even held it because again this is her PERSONAL book, she never had let me read what was inside.

knowing that i don't know whats inside made me want to open it, but i can't. that would be invading her privacy and that's not what friends do.

i quickly sat the book down on the other side of the table and looked back at my phone. but i couldn't stop thinking about the book.

it kept coming to mind even when i tried to forget, no matter how hard i tried to push it far out of my head. no, i can't look in there, that would be breaking her trust in me, and she already warily about telling me anything about her problems. it took us a while to get to this point and took us a while to get to this point and i don't want to mess it up because of me wanting to see into the book.

but the thought of what could be in that little black book only intrigued my mind even more. the thought of it being i never knew about her made me want to grab the book and tear it open like a wild animal and see all her secrets that she been trying her hardest to hide from my eyes.

the more i tried to fight against it, the stronger the urge to read the book got. the fight against my racing mind was useless. i sighed, 'well..if i read it, there might be something that will help me understand her better and we can work things out' i thought, she doesn't have to know i read it either.

i made up my mind. i looked around to make sure she wasn't heading back or anyone else who might get in the way. when i knew i was in the clear, i slowly picked the book up, it was a small book, but big enough where the owner would have no problem writing in it. it also had a little clip on the side, where it kept the book close and it's secrets away from prying eyes. i unclipped the book and opened the book, the first thing i see on the first page is the words 'this book belongs to Marcey Matthews' in beautiful hand writing that i knew belong to Marcey, she always had lovely hand work.

i turned to the next page and looked at the top and saw the date '3/15' , but it didn't say the year, but as i let my eyes look down below that, i soon knew when she wrote this. 'dear diary, i just meet the most beautiful girl today. i just started my new school and was super nervous. i didn't know anyone there, and i knew i would have a hard time making new friends for the never fact that i'm "different"...well that's what my mom says anyway. she says that people have a hard time understanding people that are "different" and tend to treat them badly because they don't understand them. i guess it's easier to hate someone then taking the time to get to know the person. so i went into it with the mindset of i would never have friends....until i meet her! the beautiful girl mentioned. i meet her at lunch, i was sitting alone under the big tree in the middle of the quad. i was reading something on my phone, i can't remembered what it was because as soon as i saw her standing in front of me, everything left my mind and went blank. she was beautiful...her hair was brown like chestnuts and curled like paintings of clouds. her eyes were brown to but when the sun shined between the leaves and hit them...they shined like stars. her skin was smooth like butter and had no marks anywhere, she was my definition of a goddess. '

' she began to speak "hello there" her voice sounded like bells to me "my name is Kayla Smith, nice to meet you" she her hand towards me to shake it, i took it gentle. i was about introduce myself when she spoke again "i already know your name, it's Marcey Matthews right?" she asked with a pretty smile. i shook my head and her smile grew brighter. " i'm here to welcome you to your new school, if you need any questions answered come to me ok?" she told me and i shook my head again. she let my hand go and it felt like it was missing something. she waved and walked away, the wind blew her hair and the sun shined on it, make it resemble fire dancing in the wind. i never saw someone as beautiful as her. she made me feel warm and loved. i hope i see her again '

tears began to fall from my eyes as i read that, that is what she thought of me when we met? she had the most wonderful thing to say about me in the little time that we talked that day.

after reading that, i couldn't stop myself from reading more. i kept turning the pages and reading more and more. she wrote about all the times we hung out and how i made her feel as a friend. it warmed my heart.

i down to the last few pages of the the book and i was ready to see what else she had to day about our friendship. i turned the page and began reading when my heart dropped. 'no...no that can't be right' i thought.

the words of the next page had a different tone from the rest of the book, it took a dark turn from sweet and uplifting to...twisted.

the words on the page said this ' today was the worst day. me and Kayla were talking right before class when Emma ran up to us, i really don't like her, i always felt like her soul was to dirty to ever be Kayla's friend but i kept to myself so i wouldn't upset Kayla. Emma ask if Kayla if she would come over today for a sleepover with a bunch of her other dirty soul friends. i wanted to scream, there was no way i would let Kayla go to her home and be corrupt by their rotten souls. all these girls think about is sex and boys. Kayla has never been with a guy and there is no way i'm letting her end up like there whores. i quickly turned to Kayla and smiled "that sounds great but we already had something planned" i said hoping that Kayla would still come to my house today. Kayla sighed " oh yeah, me and Marcey already had studying planned " she told Emma looking a little disappointed. i cheered inside thinking that i saved her from theses wicked girls when Kayla says "but we been studying this whole week, we could take a day off" she says looking to me smiling. Emma jumped and said "yeah, missing one day won't hurt" i wanted to bash her head in but i smile and said "sure why not" Kayla jump happily with Emma. i didn't wan to go but i didn't want Kayla to either but i knew if i didn't kayla would be there alone. i decided that i would go. i hate this.'

the things she wrote......this is not the Marcey i know. i wanted to stop reading but i couldn't, i turn the page.

'dear diary, i feel like my relationship with Kayla is fading away. the more we get closer to leaving school the farther apart we get. she's always hanging with other people that i don't wan to be around, they all stuck up and fake, not like Kayla, she real and pure. maybe i lock her up in my basement and keep her to myself.'

i turned the page

' Kayla is so pretty i wish i could take her face and dry it so it can stay that way'

i turn again

'i took pieces of her hair and put it under my pillow so i can smell it when i miss her at night'

'when i was sleeping over her house i just watched her while she slept, she looks so beautiful, i took pictures of her to keep.'

it kept getting worse and worse as i went on. she was obsess with me! my body started to shake and i was scared to look at the last page but my body forced me to look. it said 'i love Kayla so much, she stayed with me through this hard time of my life, i just wish she would stop being with other people so i wouldn't feel this way. i just wish she wasn't the reason why i'm going to therapy, why i have all theses problems, but she is, and i love it. Kayla is getting tired though, i don't know if she will stay with me any longer, nut i have a plan...i just waiting for the right time.'

i felt like my soul left my body. what plan? what did she mean? my mind was racing of many things she could mean but i knew one thing for sure, i have to put the book back. i closed the book quickly and clipped it back and put it back into her bag.

just when i sat down, Marcey came rushing in. i put on a smile and tried to act like i didn't know anything about what i just seen.

"hey, sorry. my mom is coming to get me." she picked up her bags and gave me a sad smile " i really want to tell you but i have to go ".

i got up and walked to her gave her a hug "it's ok Mar, it's fine" i whispered

"tomorrow?" i asked pulling away from and she shook her head with a bigger smile "yes tomorrow, i promise"

she hugged back before leaving. i watched her walk away thinking was this the Marcey i Know or the one who wrote in that little black book.