Foggy Judgement

I took a deep breath. The air was foggy from the late afternoon at the lake. The sun was hiding behind the clouds and the air felt heavy. There were about three to four families at the lake but it was hard to make them out. My hands were trembling as I clutched the note in my palms, knowing that my sweat had surely smudged the ink. It was cold out but the mist felt almost refreshing on my hot face.

“Is this your first time here, dear?” A cold and firm hand touched my shoulder. A woman who appeared to be in her mid 70’s appeared next to me.

“Yes, I don’t know- I’m just not sure what to do”. I looked into her pale blue eyes and relaxed my shoulders. Her silver hair blew in the breeze.

“It’s okay, I was the same way when I first came here too” she said.

“Is it true what they say?” I asked.

“Yes, but be careful. The cost is always more”. I nodded. I was aware that there were rumors that people come back from this experience a different person.

“Are you ready?” She asked. I stared at the direction of the lake and gripped my note tighter. “It’s okay”, she said. “I’ll come with you”.

“Thank you” I said.

She put her hand on my arm as we walked through the fog towards the lake together.

I clutched onto the folded piece of paper I held in my hand. It was a note that we used to exchange back and forth throughout highschool. We’ve exchanged dozens of notes through the years, yet somehow I could only find this one in my closet.

I took a deep breath and dropped the note into the water.

“That was the only one I could find,” I said as I stared at the note floating on top of the water’s surface and quickly drown. The woman took a few steps behind me.

Suddenly panic swept through me. What if this doesn’t actually work and I destroyed my last memento for nothing?

I looked up and movement across the lake caught my eye. It looked like the top half of the head.

My heart was beating faster and my head started to spin. Is this real? What if it really is her? The head across the lake didn’t move. Inhale, exhale, I kept repeating to myself.

Suddenly the head was speeding towards me, creating waves in the water.

“Oh fuck oh fuck” I said under my breath and stumbled back away from the lake.

In one swift motion, the head came from up under the water and I closed my eyes as the water splashed on me.

I opened my eyes. She stood in the water where the lake met the land, the seiches of the lake gently splashing her feet. I almost forgot how short she was, she was almost a whole foot smaller than me. There was a deep black socket from where her eye was ripped out. Her other eye was completely grey and glossed over, but I still felt her gaze. Her skin was a blue grey and her once burgundy hair had lost all color. The slash on her neck from the axe was deep and black and reached from one side to just an inch from the other, but her head was straight.

I stared at the axe mark and the images of her nearly decapitated and barely recognizable body at the trial 4 years ago flooded my brain. It felt like my chest was collapsing and the pit in my stomach got even heavier seeing her like this, but it was such a relief to see her at all.

“Sarah” she said, but it wasn’t her voice. It was my own.

“Mia,” I felt my heart stuck in my throat. “I’ve missed you”.

“I know,” Mia said in my voice.

I felt stuck. I had rehearsed what I would say to Mia a hundred times, but my mind was blank. I muttered the only thing I could think of, “I was Jason for Halloween this year”. Fuck. Instant regret.

I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry I couldn’t get you out sooner”. My voice caught in my throat. “He was found guilty. Not guilty and mentally ill - just full on guilty. The sentencing was last week - he’s going to die in prison”.

Mia nodded her head slowly.

I sat down on the wet grass. “I love you, Mia. I’m sorry. I got caught up in my own ego and I was too embarrassed to reach out. I was too prideful. I missed you every day. But I didn’t want to admit that I was wrong for letting him control me like that. I was embarrassed that I let a man tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” said Mia.

My face felt hot and my eyes began to water. “It’s been so hard without you. Even when you were alive it was hard without you. And what happened made headlines. A young girl murdered on Halloween for denying a proposal? That made national news for weeks. People still talk about it. People who didn’t know you talk about it. People debated it like you weren’t a real person.” My voice broke, “And it hurts every time, honestly”.

“It’s okay, I love you” she said softly. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Inhale, exhale” Mia said to me. I steadied my breath and leaned back on the grass.

“Remember when you got in trouble for skipping gym to come hang out with me at lunch?” I chuckled.”

Mia smiled. “My mom was so mad”

“But she still let me come over that night!”

“I told her that you were going through it and needed to be around friends!”

“Well you weren’t wrong” I chuckled. “I still do walk and talks every now and then. I always think of you when I do them, especially if I’m just talking to myself I imagine that I’m talking to you.”

“Because you are talking to me” Mia said.

I snickered, “That is the corniest thing I’ve ever heard you say”.

Mia laughed. “I’m serious. I really do hear it all.”

“I love you” I said to Mia as I started to get up. The old woman came up from behind me and gripped my shoulders harder than she did earlier.

“I’m okay, thanks” I said to her shortly as I moved my shoulder. She didn’t let go. “Okay thanks but-”

Suddenly she grabbed my hair in the back of my head and in the blink of an eye she pulled me under the water. “The cost is always more” echoed through my head.