Family Feud

Ugh… where am I?

“They’re waking up! Look look look, do the thing hurry up!”

Is that an intercom?

“Quit rushing me!”

“Jimmy, this is exactly why I told you to finish prepping last night! Give me the microphone.” Bzzzt! Screeeek!

Is someone fighting? Damn it, my head is pounding.

“No, Bill, stop. I can do it!”

I don’t remember my bed being so hard and cold, it’s like concrete… wait… this IS concrete. No no no!

-Crash! Thwack!-

“Owww!”

“Welcome, winners and sinners! We are LIVE at the 10th annual Wish & Win Establishment’s Chance of a Lifetime Event!”

“Or the WWE!”

“NO, nooo! Not the WWE! How many times do I have to tell you that’s copyrighted!”

“The other one is just so wordy!”

“It’s been ten years already. Let it go.”

Okay okay, calm down. This is all a dream. I’m just gonna lie here and then before I know it I’ll wake up in my bed, safe and warm.

“ANYWAYS, let’s get the show on the road shall we? This year's contestant, coming all the way from Beverly Hills, California… drumroll please…” -duhduhduhduhduh- “Kevin! Once again this year's event is sponsored by Little Black Book Inc., where all your wildest dreams could come true. No wish is too big or... too greedy. Kevin comes from a very wealthy family but never had anything of his own except his especially mediocre presence in the popular video game ‘Call of Duty’... That’s it? This kid is sad.”

Okay, they know my name. This isn’t weird. This is my subconscious playing tricks on me. Yeah, I’m not in danger. This is all in my head. I’m just having the most vivid dream imaginable.

“Oh Keviiiin! We know you’re awake, we’re monitoring your vitals buddy. Why don’t you stand up for us so we can explain the rules?”

Yeah, a dream where the announcers of some sick game show abduct their contestants and monitor their vitals.

“Hey, Bill, I think he’s trying to say something.”

“Oh, he must still be in shock and not realize that he’s masked and gagged, poor guy.”

Masked and… what?!

I don’t know how I hadn’t realized before that my jaw was perpetually opened; victim to some cruel mockery of somebody’s warped sexual desire. When I tried to take it out I found that my face was caged like a circus animal.

“Alright! While our main contestant Kevin comes to terms with his very real predicament we will take this opportunity to explain the rules of this year’s event!”

“$20,000,000 in cash!!!”

“Thousand.”

“What?”

“Uh yeah, some of the investors pulled out last minute so it’s uh thousand, twenty thousand.”

“Well now that’s just underwhelming.”

“Either way, moving on. This year we’ve ordered our staff to work tirelessly on constructing this massive ‘Mad Max-esque’ battleground that poor Kevin here has found himself in. Jimmy, tell our viewers what we have in store for our contestant today!”

“Ooooo baby! We’ve got explosives. We’ve got fire. We’ve got guns, machetes, and even a ballista!”

“Yes that all sounds fantastic and as those at home might have guessed; this year’s event theme is ‘Deathmatch’ and the prize is twenty big ones.”

Deathmatch?!

“Kevin will have a chance to fulfill his wish of getting the $20,000 prize pool, but he’ll have to get through our henchmen first.”

Wish?! I didn’t wish for this! What is he talking about? I should hide, right?

At that moment, an electronic wall panel that looked like it’d been crudely replicated from some kind of science fiction movie revealed itself some 40 feet away. I was scared but for some reason I could feel myself smiling the biggest smile. Did I secretly want this? To be thrust into a gamble for my life?

… Ha. I guess so.

Before I knew it I’d already walked the 40 feet and gotten my hands on a revolver. What I thought was fear driving my movements was in reality a deep primal urge to destroy; it was excitement. If I were to look in the mirror right now I bet I’d look like a crack addict who just figured out how to give himself his first high, every time.

“Oh! Looks like our henchmen are on the move and boy are they angry! Also, before things get too crazy, I forgot to mention, Kevin, unless you’re able to kill our henchmen; you won’t be getting the money. Think about it as... a prerequisite, just like one of your games.”

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Oh here we go, it looks like Munchkin is gonna act first!”

Munchkin? What kind of name is that?

“Look at her go sneaking in right above the enemy, she’s like a monkey! How DOES she do that?”

Wait what?

“And Munchkin goes in for the kill; jumping onto Kevin’s shoulders, causing him to chaotically fire off all 6 of his bullets! Will he be able to grasp the upper hand?! Nobody knows! We’re here for blood and blood we shall have!”

“Ouch, Kevin took that fall hard as he tried to drop Munchkin to the floor in an attempt to escape! I don’t think he expected to be this winded!”

“You know Jimmy, as mediocre as Kevin is at video games, I have to say I did not expect this much incompetence! It’s truly surprising to see!”

“Looks like skills in being a spoiled brat don’t translate to the battlefield quite well.”

“No kidding! Hey Bill, who do you think will come out on top today, the bets are flooding in.”

“Well Jimmy, I know a lot of people have their sights on Big Daddy cleaning up tonight, but I have a feeling Mama Bear will prove quite formidable for young Kevin here. Bottom line, the odds are not in his favour, however I think Kevin might surprise us with his ingenuity soon.”

“Well damn, Bill. That’s mad insightful.”

“I try Jimmy, I try.”

“Look at em’ go! Kevin just took off running!”

“And Munchkin follows suit! But Kevin has a little bit of a head start!”

“Kevin runs around the corner and…”

“OOOOHHH KEVIN FOR THE TAKE DOWN!”

“Kevin used the blind spot of the corner to trick Munchkin into following him! Oh my god, that clothesline was deadly!”

“Kevin wastes no time on this golden opportunity; swiftly using the revolver as a club to finish off his opponent!”

Stupid little shit! Take this! And this! And THIS!

I didn’t hesitate. At this point it was kill or be killed. It was self defence, yeah… At least that’s how I rationalize beating in the face of a young girl in this godforsaken cage they call an arena. Otherwise I wouldn’t be human... I’d be a monster… I’m not a monster. A monster would enjoy this. Yeah, I’m just trying to survive. Hehehehe.

“The first henchman is down and there are two more to go!”

I can do this. I CAN DO THIS.

*tap tap*

What?

—THWACK—

“Big Daddy has entered the fray and he looks angry folks!”

“What a knockout!”

That fucking hurt, what the hell? What’s his fist made of?! I have to find a better weapon.

“Looks like Kevin is going to stick with his tried and true strategy of being a wuss and RUN AWAY!”

“Despicable. Let’s see how Big Daddy responds!”

“Um Bill, he’s just sitting there, kneeling over Munchkin… should I?”

“Yeah do the thing.”

—PZZZZT—

“Again?”

“Again, turn it up.”

—PZZZZZZZZT—

I’m glad I don’t have one of those rings around my neck, that looks excruciating. I’ve gotta find something to take that fucker down.

“Ladies and gentlemen! As Big Daddy mourns the loss of his fellow henchman, he rises from the ashes and lets forth a mighty roar!”

“MRRRMMGGHH!!!”

“Well as much of a roar as he can; suffering the same conditions as our guest of honor. GO GET EM BIG DADDY!”

“Big Daddy begins marching in the direction Kevin took off in!”

“I think this might be the end for Kevin, Bill. Big Daddy looks like he took Munchkin’s loss pretty heavy.”

“I think you’re right Jimmy, Kevin’s really asking for it by prolonging his impending doom; get on with it already will ya?”

Easy for you fuckers to say from up in your ivory tower. Damn it where is it?

“Big Daddy’s picking up his pace! He’s closing in! What will poor Kevin do?? Will he run and hide? Or will he overcome ADVERSITY?!”

Ah… This’ll do. This’ll do just fine.

“Here it is folks, the fated battle you’ve all been anticipating this evening! Kevin versus BIG D—”

—SCHWWWP—

“NOOO! WHAT!!! BIG DADDY! HE’S DOWN! IMPALED TO THE WALL!”

“Fuck, shit, fuck, damn it, DAMN IT!” *SLAM*

“Jimmy! You’re freaking me out, what’s wrong man?!”

“I… bet… so much... money… on Big Daddy.”

“... Jimmy you idiot, we’re supposed to be impartial.”

Ha. Gotta love a ballista.

“Hey, the odds were in my favour!”

“With a ballista on the field, there are no odds.”

Two down, one to go.

“Only Mama Bear is left, and she may yet turn the tides tonight depending on what Kevin decides to do.”

“And now that it’s one versus one we’d like to commemorate this moment with the highlight of the evening! Jimmy, start the timer.”

*COUNTDOWN BEGINS* 3:00… 2:59… 2:58…

Three minutes?? What happens when the timer stops?? Is that all the time I have left to kill the last henchman?

“Ohh, looks like Kevin’s seen the timer and is picking up the pace!”

“Can you blame him? Timers are notoriously ominous and for good reason!”

“Hahaha, look him run! He’s sweatin’ now!”

Do those two ever shut up?

1:26…

Shit I’m running out of time, and I don’t even have a weapon…

Just when I thought all hope was lost; nearly giving in to the fate that awaited me, like a sixth sense; the wind blew. This arena was like a maze, and I was the rat searching for the cheese; the smell of which began emanating from the most mediocre passageway in the form of nothing but a gut feeling. Needless to say, I followed, since it was the only form of judgment that kept me alive up to this point.

59 seconds…

At last, the final henchman. A woman sat curled up before me; her masked face buried in her arms while an unused apparatus took up space on the floor beside her.

She’s a lot smaller than I imagined, frail even… Is that a flamethrower?! I wouldn’t have been able to deal with that had she gotten serious. What’s her play? This is too strange.

The woman slowly looked up, I could tell she’d been crying. She reached for the flamethrower and offered it to me.

She wants to die… Can’t say I blame her.

“Ten, nine, eight.”

Here goes nothing.

—WSSHFFFFFFFFFF—

Burn, so that I can be free.

“Three, two, one!”

—DINGDINGDING—

“Congratulations Kevin! You win! Even beating out the timer; a fantastic achievement! However… that’s not what the timer was for. Jimmy, play the video.”

My heart dropped.

Video? What? W-what is this? Is this a sick joke?

On the screen displayed above the arena I watched myself pick up a black journal I’d ordered online.

Did that book have a camera embedded in it? How does a wrestling themed book matter? And they have audio?!

The video continued. Words I’d forgotten I’d ever spoken rang louder than ever as the soundtrack to my impending dread was spelled out in 4K. “I hate you.” “Fuck off.” “Leave me alone.” “Die.” The hateful things I said to my family repeated constantly as I wrote in that book: ‘I wish I had money’. Looking at the burning corpse beside me, I gagged.

O-oh god.

“And that concludes tonight’s show. Jimmy, give Kevin his money, and to our investors, on behalf of all of us at the Wish & Win Establishment: Thank you for your business.”