As I breathe

"I'm going to be ok." Kara threw her head between her knees, desperately trying to catch her breath. The walls of the small office began to warp and close in on her. She could hear the voices in her head getting louder.

You're crazy. No one loves you. You're going to die right now!

"I'm not crazy! It's just a panic attack." Kara shouted. Hands pressed on her ears, trying to block the noise.

"Kara, let's try to catch our breath, ok. What I need you to do now is to breathe deeply." Kara tried to focus her attention on Dr. Hillbottom as she sat across the room in her brown leather high back executive chair. Kara hated that chair so ugly.

"Breathe, Kara. Inhale. Exhale." Dr. Hillbottom raised and lowered her pale, wrinkled hands; once Kara relaxed, she took out her notebook and scribbled frantically.

She thinks you're crazy. That's what she wrote down. Padded room for you.

"Can I ask what you are writing?" Kara clasped her hand tightly and fidgeted nervously.

Dr. Hillbottom adjusted her glasses. "Kara, let's try something a little different today. I want you to close your eyes and tell me a time or place where you remember being happy." Kara brushed her hair behind her ear and settled deep into her chair. With her eyes closed, she focused on the last time she was happy.

"Alright, Kara, tell me where you are and what you see?" Dr. Hillbottom retrieved her pad, ready to record.

Kara inhaled deeply and released her breath slowly.

"I'm at the summer house, my grandfather's place. I'm really the only one who goes there; it's on the beach, and the sun is beginning to set, but I'm not ready to leave. It is peaceful, serene, and private; you can hear the waves lapping the sand." Kara's body began to loosen, her breathing more relaxed.

"Keep going. Tell me what else you see." The sound of light pen strokes echoes in the room.

"I'm watching the sunset, and the light reflecting off the water looks like a shimmering gold path leading directly to a ship on the horizon. It was as if someone or something had rolled out the gold carpet for me."

Kara opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. She could hear the ticking of the wall clock as each hand made its way closer to 12.

"It's so quiet now," Kara whispered as she tapped her fingers to the beat of the clock.

"You are more relaxed and able to focus. Let us continue. Tell me more about the ship on the horizon. You stated that you felt someone had laid a carpet for you. Why is that?" Dr. Hillbottom adjusted her position in her chair; as she leaned to the left, the chair made a soft squeaking sound.

It wouldn't be so bad if that ugly chair broke. Kara thought. Fall right to the ground, doctor. The thought of Dr. Hillbottom's bottom crashing to the floor filled Kara with joy, enough to smile.

"What is making you smile right now?" Dr. Hillbottom asked

Just imagining your ass hitting the floor, doctor.

"Nothing significant," She lied. There was no point in telling the truth. There is no real reason to stir the pot; bad enough, she has to come here every week until... until when? She couldn't remember; she just knew she had to come, and she would get in trouble if she didn't.

"Well, let's continue." Dr. Hillbottom seemed annoyed that they were off-topic.

"Why did this make you happy?"

"The ship is so far away, but it made a golden path in the water just for me" Kara turned her head, making direct eye contact with Dr. Hillbottom. "The ship wanted me and only me to board it." turning back to the ceiling, she continued.

"You see, I know that ship was there for me. It was there to take me away to a better place; all I had to do was reach the ship."

Dr. Hillbottom leans back in her chair, crossing her arm. "Kara, this is the day that you attempted to-"

"No! That's not correct. That's not true. I was going to the ship. I was taking the path to the ship. I wouldn't do that. I just wanted to be happy."

No one believes you. They never will.

"Do you understand how this looks, Kara? You were found near death. You nearly drowned. Tell me, when rescue pulled you from the water, what did you say?"

Kara focused on the rhythm of the clock. Slowly tuning out the doctor.

"Kara. What did you say?"

"I don't think requesting to be alone is a crime. I want to be happy; why can't people see that?"

"What did you say?" Dr. Hillbottom grew impatient. "What did you say when asked why you went into the water?"

"I heard a voice saying that if I went to the ship, I would be happy forever. No one would be able to stop me from being happy again." her voice was shaky and nervous.

"Kara walking into the ocean to reach a ship that no one else saw is a pretty hard sell for happiness. On top of that, you have to learn to ignore your negative inner thoughts. They're not voices in your head, just your own thoughts shrouded in depression." Dr. Hillbottom shifted in her chair, releasing another soft squeak. Just as she was continuing her statement, the alarm went off.

"Kara-."

"Well, it looks like our time is up for this session. Kara, when you find yourself in the middle of a panic attack, I want you to focus on an item and take deep breaths. Should you begin to hear a voice continue to focus and breathe deeply. This exercise should help you get through your attacks. I will call the guard to escort you back to your room." She rose and walked behind her desk. Pressing a large red button, two men dressed in blue uniforms entered the room.

"Alright, doctor. I will try that next time." Dr. Hillbottom gave a slight nod and began to shuffle several forms while sipping her coffee.

She never heard you. She never will.

Guards escorted Kara down a bright, sterile hallway to her room. As they passed each locked door, she could hear the screams for help, pleas for freedom, and bargaining with the unknown.

Back in her room, closing her eyes once more, Kara was back on the beach. Staring off into the sunset, watching the ship on the horizon beckon her to come. The dribbling of the ocean played a melody enticing her. If she could make it to the ship, she could finally be happy and have everything she ever wanted, no one could take it away from her.