Are you my mommy?

standing in the kitchen, as a 32 year old woman, my eyes focused in on a fly, flying around me as I did the dishes, as it landed on my kids left over noodles from the night before, I stepped back and watched as the plate I was holding slipped out of my hands, slowly falling while hidden memories came rushing in like a flash flood...The year was 1984, I was nine years old and I can remember waking up to the apartment being eerily quiet, not just a noiseless quiet, it felt as though everything had stop around me, everything except for me. I slowly crept down what seemed like an endless hallway, my malnourished hand was placed against the yellow stained wall, shaking an all to familiar shake. I wasn’t afraid of a monster I had seen on t.v like most little girls would be, I was afraid of the monster who lived in my reality. My monster I called dad. This day after seeing him still asleep I turned and ran back to my room, I can still remember seeing the bottom of my pink ruffled ratted pajamas as I ran to play with the only friend my childhood ever knew, my twin sister, I enjoyed those few minutes of childhood. I was dancing around with my sister acting like what I assume most little girls having fun would act like and in the middle of me reaching to grab my sisters hands, the look came over her face. As her eyes look directly above my left shoulder. i dropped to my knees, knowing exactly what that look meant. My dad grabbed me by my hair and shouted "I WILL MAKE SURE I NEVER WAKE UP TO YOUR DISGUSTING VOICE AGAIN" I was shaking, barely able to stand ,from fear. He dragged me down the same hallway I had just been down but this time it seemed like i was in slow motion. I never fought back or tried to talk my way out of a situation. I always just prayed. After we got to the miniature bar where he hid his worn out leather belt, he began to hit me. it was never with the strap part of the belt, and rarely on my bottom. I placed my hands over my mouth so that my screams did not anger him further. I could hear my sister crying, even though i was the one that always got the beatings, i swear she was always in there with me, enduring the same pain.After this beating on this day my dad tended up throwing me on a brown, torn, smelly couch that sat randomly in his room and the old me not to move or speak . I was so afraid as I looked all around me, I didn’t know if I was more afraid of the known or the unknown. I looked all around me, my mind being pulled with different levels of fear in directions that put me in a paralyzed state. I sat there a 9 year old little girl so scared I could barely feel my body hurting as my pajamas pressed against my bruised body, I decided I wouldn’t say anything. I swear what I went through at this moment in my life was torture. Looking up my green eyes glossed over with tears I begged inside my head” please please please help me please help me” I clutched my fingers and toes begging for someone to help me knowing that my cries would go unheard I whispered "daddy", he didn’t hear me so i repeated it a little louder "daddy"! WHAT he replied, “there’s white things all over the couch" i said. He looked at me and said shut the fuck up its rice, just as I was about to respond he said "if you say one more thing...

I was looking at him, his eyes locked on mine as I felt one walk right across my face. I sat there the fear so overwhelming it consumed my soul and broke my spirit. I remember thinking "if its rice, then why are they crawling all over me. Maggots all over me and as i went to wipe them off, my dad yelled "I said don't move you little bitch" so i didn’t....