A Passive Aggressive Ghost Story

Noise Complaint

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

This is a letter to inform you that I've heard your complaints.

I will endeavor to keep little Eliza from creaking in the hallways late at night, but for goodness sake, please remove the garlic from your doorway.

It does nothing but agitate my sinuses and will not help your cause at all.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

Peanut Butter and Vinegar

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

I am sorry that I have been unable to keep my promise.

You must understand that Eliza is only a child and apt to find mischief. I assure you, toothpaste does wash from walls. Try vinegar diluted with a bit of water.

Peanut butter should help remove the gum from your Suzy's hair. (Don't you think she's a little old to keep wadded chewing gum on her bedstead?)

The lamp falling from the nightstand was my fault, and I do send my heartfelt apology. I admit that I can be a bit clumsy at times.

You must understand that your husband's screaming through the night at the slightest noise affects my nerves. I am confident that I am not ALL to blame for being jumpy.

Whether we like it or not, we are roomies. Let's get along for the children's sake, at least!

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

Holy water? Really?

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

You've got my good suit damp, and Little Eliza's hair was quite wet. If she catches cold, don't complain to me when she sneezes in your halls.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Sincerely Mr. R. Mortus

All That Trouble

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

After all the trouble you and Mr. Wormwood went through to rouse the souls of the dead- I can only be amused. All that horrid chanting left your throat scratchy, I imagine.

I hope you didn't fall for the show that old quack put on last night. I admit it was rather amusing to watch him roll his eyes and moan.

I was not the victim of murder, nor was I the captain of a ship. I am prone to seasickness and never learned to swim.

As for your medium's "second sight"; I took the trouble to say hello to him as he headed to his car (counting the money you paid him) and the second he took sight of me, he ran away screaming!

He dropped the bills as he ran. I put them with your keys under that interesting fake rock by your door.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus.

Nudity and Mustache Hairs

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

I apologize again. (It seems that is all I do lately.) I was only trimming my mustache and didn't realize

Mr. Wormwood was in the bath as he had the curtain drawn.

I am sure he has no reason to be ashamed. (You are a lucky lady, Mrs. Wormwood!) Tell him to leave a scarf tied to the door if the bathroom is occupied.

Closed doors mean nothing to me, you know.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

Bloody Message

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

Of course, I didn't write my last correspondence in blood! How gruesome! I simply couldn't lay hold of a pen and paper. I borrowed lipstick.

I chose the refrigerator for its slick surface and easy cleaning. I wouldn't dream of ruining your wallpaper!

As for this hideous screaming that your family is so fond of, it is growing rather tiresome and excites my migraine.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

Bangs Grow Back

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

The electric typewriter you left for me in the attic was a nice gesture.

Your suggestion that I take up residency in your attic is a sensible one as it would give us both privacy. However, the attic is not well suited for daily life.

It is dusty and riddled with rats and spiders - I won't mince words here. It's downright creepy.

Thank you for following my advice about the scarves. As for Eliza continuing to torment your daughter; Eliza is rather fond of Suzy. She means no harm, but Suzy only pays Eliza attention if she causes some mischief or the other.

Unfortunately, Eliza has nothing else to occupy her. I promise you, Suzy's bangs will grow back in full, given due time.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

• from: Rod Mortus <[email protected]>
• to: [email protected]
• date: Jun 25, 2020, 9:35 AM
• subject: My first email!
• mailed-by: tmail.com

Ghostly Couch Potatoes

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

This is my very first email! How exciting! I do appreciate that you and the mister have decided to allow me to communicate to you both face-to-face without screaming and running away.

I simply wanted to put my thanks in writing and couldn't wait for you to come home from work.

How nice it was that you outfitted the attic for us! I am sure Suzy remains unbothered as I cannot tear Eliza from the laptop and video games you left for her.

As for myself, I do enjoy the satellite television you included. (Although with over 200 hundred channels, it still seems there is nothing to watch!)

I also enjoy the bathroom you installed for us. The battery-powered mustache trimmer was an especially nice touch.

I am sure that I could have no more delightful neighbors than your lovely family! I hope you don't mind if I come for a visit now and then.

A 75-year-old child is a poor companion for a man well in his hundreds!

Would you like a game of chess? I've heard you're rather good.

Sincerely,

Mr. R. Mortus

P.S. I advise you to keep with the scarf system. I had a rather unfortunate encounter with Mr. Wormwood this afternoon. We didn't have use of our bathroom, you see. Well - long story short - your toilet has now flooded the upstairs hallway.

P.P.S. The water has made way downstairs. I suggest we have our game at my place.