The Only Good Spider is a Dead Spider

Don’t believe everything you read about spiders, good or bad.

I read a strange article a couple of weeks ago. It was about a myth that body lotion attracts spiders, especially wolf spiders.

The expert interviewed (an ‘arachnonut’, someone who is crazy about spiders) tried to reassure everyone.

“These creatures are stunningly diverse and ingenious.” They have many admirable traits.”

He said that spiders can’t crawl into your mouth while you sleep. They can’t lay eggs inside your flesh and food, or creep into your house through the drains. Most are completely harmless.

Be that as it may, I still hate them. I have a strong fear of spiders.

I'm sorry, but the only good spider is a dead spider!

‘Itsy bitsy spider’

There are over 45,000 known species of spiders. Many more likely exist that researchers have not identified.

They range in size from microscopic spiders in Samoa to giant, bird-eating tarantulas in South American rainforests. These guys have a mass (175 g (6.2 oz)), body length (up to 13 cm (5.1 in)), and a leg span of up to 30 cm (12 in).

You can pat those suckers!

They rarely eat birds, so I don’t know why people call them bird-eating tarantulas (myth # 1). They eat anything they can handle, giving them a broad diet.

Females can live for as long as 25 years (assuming no one squashes them) and have up to 200 eggs. (There is a scary thought!)

The males only live for three to six years. The females rarely eat them after mating.

Not all females eat males after mating (myth #2 about spiders). The best-known example of this is the black widow spider. They can and often do, but given they can be 160 times the weight of the male, they don’t have much chance, (especially if the sex isn’t that good!).

For most people, the fear of spiders comes from the possibility of a spider biting them and causing death. All spiders have some venom. “But, only a few can harm humans,” say some experts.

I find little consolation in that. I worry less about being bitten.

It’s the ‘now you see me, now you don’t’ vanishing trick that troubles me. They are just plain sneaky or always where you don’t want them to be.

Living in Australia, I have a good reason to be arachnophobic, more so than in many other countries.

Let me explain.

Australia has several ‘nasty’ spiders: the funnel-web, redback, and white-tipped spider. Experts say that people exaggerate the danger of these species, but experts recognize the funnel-web as the most venomous spider.

Funnel-web spider bites have caused thirteen deaths, some in as short as fifteen minutes.

Other arachnid experts say the redback is the most dangerous. It is frequently found around houses and has venom that is more potent. Researchers have recorded several thousand bites from redbacks.

Slim Newton has immortalized it in song. It starts off:

There was a redback on the toilet seat,

When I was there last night.

I didn’t see him in the dark,

But boy I felt his bite.

Most Australians in hot areas can easily find redback spiders in their backyards. You can pick them because they have a brilliant red arrow down their back (hence the name!).

They are lazy spiders. Their webs are untidy and incomplete, usually less than a meter off the ground.

But redback webs are similar to those of daddy-long-legs, good spiders (if there is such a thing!).

They have been credited with the most toxic venom of all spiders (myth #3 about spiders), probably because they will kill and eat redbacks (One for the good guys!).

FYI — I can tolerate these guys!

Playing with fire

When I was a young kid in the country, I would go out with my friend to the paddocks in the middle of summer. The dry summer heat would create cracks in the soil about 10–20 centimeters (about an inch). These were perfect hiding places for funnel-web spiders.

We would grab a stick and gently poke the spiders in their webs.

Let me tell you, these spiders can be ornery so-and-so's.

They come out fighting. Pitching back on their hind feet, they expose their fangs to the world.

I don’t know what a spider sees, but two giants poking them with a stick must have upset them. (P.S. No spiders were injured in this game, unfortunately). It was a stupid thing to do, but as kids, we didn’t think about the consequences.

A large brown huntsman spider on the wall of a laundry in a house

My encounter with a huntsman spider.

My dislike for spiders intensified during my early twenties. Australia does not have tarantulas, but it does have huntsman spiders. These brown/grey hairy spiders can have a leg span almost as big as your hand.

They are very common in and around Australian homes. Many people are happy to leave them on the walls and even give them names like “Harry.”

They have all the hallmarks that incite arachnophobia in humans. Despite this, the verdict is that they run away, not bite. If they do bite, it causes mild symptoms.

When I was in my twenties, I was camping in a tent. I woke up one morning to see a huntsman on the tent’s roof. Let’s call him “Harry” to simplify the story. He was about ten centimeters or 4 inches across.

I decided to do the right thing and leave him there.

“He would eventually find his way out.”

I got dressed and put on my jeans. When I checked back again before I left the tent, Harry was nowhere. I went out of the tent to greet the morning. As I walked, I had a strange tickling sensation up my right leg.

You guessed it!

“Bloody hell — Harry was in my jeans!”

I have never taken a pair of jeans off so quickly — (not even for sex!)

Harry must have been lucky that day. He crawled out of the right leg of my jeans, minus one leg, and scampered into the grass.

The verdict on spiders.

I have heard the defenses for spiders—they do more good than harm, there are few dangerous ones, and so on.

I’m sorry, I just don’t trust them.

Every year, I spray for spiders. My two little dogs love to sniff around the garden. I can’t take the risk that one of the many redbacks that, for some reason, freeload in my place, will bite them.

I will let daddy-long-legs go, or at least give them a fighting chance. For other spiders, if they are black or brown and hairy, and especially if they have a red arrow down their belly, I have one simple rule:

The only good spider is a dead one.

Till next time,

Calvin