The suspense

It was a cold summer morning . I knew it would get warmer later . But the moment I woke up it felt like ice on my arms . I was struggling to open my eyes . “Good morning and wake up everyone” Every morning Andrew gleefully woke us all. A very sarcastic humor but its always a good laugh in the mornings. We woke up got Ethan ready for school . “ I want to ride the bus myself .” Ethan groggily complained. “I’m only your mom once Ethan.” I complained, “I’ll miss you .” “I’m walking you to class.” I got my pink coat on . The zipper on it broke but it still had buttons . They always were mildly open, the spaces in between the buttons . I walked him there early . We even waited for a while .” I never expected to be in Illinois . I left here a long time ago . I was living in Florida the home of palm trees and the happiest places in the world . I’ll admit when I was there I had to pinch myself a lot .

Growing up in Illinois anytime we’d go on vacation me and my step brother would beg to live there. Whether it be the great wolf lodge at Wisconsin . The theme parks at universal but never was it as magical as life when I got older. I found the things I knew were there when I was a kid . That deep void I felt that was missing . It wasn’t missing anymore I found it . I found the eternal energy . I found a real true connection to god . I felt amazing and happy . I felt very different then I ever had . And I knew it would never be the same . So if you too are feeling that missing feeling know you will find it . Ethan deserves the best most elaborate birthday party . I want to throw it in orlando . And give him everything he wants . He’s been through a lot he deserves it . Both of us we both deserve the best . I know one day things will not be stressful again .

I’m slowly getting there slowly by slowly . I’m building a better life for the both of us . I want to get the biggest cake that’s vegan he’s ever seen and make the best life for him . I want him to have the best of everything I love him. Dreams sure do take time but will be worth it . I’m so ready for that great life. I’m happy now so I know I’ll appreciate it when it comes . I bet the vegan restaurants have multiplied so much since I’ve been there . They have Dixie dharma and that was so delicious and amazing . It was a southern themed barbecue restaurant. It is all vegan and the only ones are in Florida .

I look at pictures from the biscuit company it’s all vegan and just dream of their sandwiches . I love breakfast sandwiches and it has been so long . I want a delicious vegan breakfast biscuit more than anything . It’s called winter park biscuit company . It is pretty popular in Florida and I haven’t tried it . Go to ethos vegan restaurant and get vegan pancakes . It sounds so good to me . I want pancakes so bad I really do . I love pancakes. With syrup and vegan butter. All stacked nicely and uniform the pillowy pieces of dough . Intricacies of my deepest feeling of comfort . I would go on a eating spree . And spend my days with Ethan working out and eating . Maybe teaching him from home . That’s a great dream of mine . To be with my son everyday, all day with no disturbances. In a beautiful home . And helping people with their lives. I miss him when he’s in school. It is not my favorite time . I want us to play have fun and just enjoy life . So I’m thinking how can I change my life right now to benefit our future . I know I dont want it to be the same so I have to change . I have to do different things .

Still waiting to go get my best friend I’m waiting very impatiently . The clocks chirping is inevitably the marker of time. Slowly but surely going and going around until I get to see my beautiful son. My wonderful son . My treasure and peace .