The Poet

The first. The busiest and most painful day of the month in my line of work. Last Christmas I’d gotten into the arrangement of paying part of my rent after the 20th and never managed to catch up. Many of my tenants did the same, and I never held it against them. In this economy, the struggle to make ends meet is real. To make matters worse, I misplaced my notebook over the weekend. I ended up typing some of my poems and even writing a short story for a contest I heard about, just to get the thoughts out of my head. It’s like I can’t turn my mind off sometimes, even if I want to. I try to live a super clean lifestyle, for the baby. So this was like therapy for us.

I never let anyone know how tight my finances were. Some weeks I’d only have enough food to feed my daughter, but ever since I got pregnant again, my food bills skyrocketed. In the late summer, I’d been gifted with enough birthday money to buy maternity clothes for my growing body. I worked every day to keep busy and avoided my friends and family. Everyone on social media was fake and judgey all the time. So I kept to myself, and I only ever let my true feelings out on the pages of my beloved black notebook.

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It was late afternoon on the last Friday of October. The little girl was dressed up in a princess gown, excitedly dancing around as the mother tapped her card on the cashier’s terminal and slipped it into the pocket of a long, flowing robe. I’m not sure if this woman was wearing a costume that day, but her appearance was the most striking phenomenon I’ve ever encountered in real life. Never has a shopping cart been maneuvered with such grace, I thought, before I realized how creepy I was being, staring at this pair paying for pumpkins, pop and frozen pizza like it was the greatest movie of the year.

I watched with a captivated fixation from the checkout line as this woman shuttled the daughter and the groceries into the back seat of her Jeep. I shouldn’t have been watching, but the way she moved was like a slow, steady dance with an invisible partner. She was clearly pregnant but she reminded me of some kind of goddess. Nobody walks around this town in a cape in the middle of the day, even if it is Halloween weekend.

As the goddessmobile slid away, I noticed a tissue fluttering in the freshly vacated parking spot as I paid for my haul. As I walked past the accessible parking area in front of the store, I realized what was left behind on the expectant parents parking space was far more profound than a loose piece of litter. It was a notebook, splayed open and gently tossed about by the autumn breeze. I approached the parking spot and put my case of beer on the ground and picked up the notebook. Nearly every page was filled with loopy, scrawling words, abstract diagrams and charts of numbers. I picked it up and slid it into the plastic bag that held my snacks.

My truck barely had enough gas to make it home so I didn’t turn on the ignition as I thumbed through the notebook, looking for a name, a phone number or maybe an address. Some pages were dated, some had shopping lists or doodles of gardens and mountains and city blocks. Some pages had lines of what seemed like poetry, although the handwriting was so eccentric the subject matter was mostly unclear at first glance. I was never much of a reader. Barely graduated high school. Nothing they taught us held my interest more than girls, money and trouble. But the pages of this book I found had more of those things than I’d ever experienced in my 27 years on this earth.

I cracked a beer and flopped onto my bed. The first page was dated June 8th 2021 and was titled “Goals”. Then there was a list:

• Deep breaths every day

• Don’t get fired

• Don’t do dumb shit

• Pay rent

• Be nice

• Write something readable

At the bottom of the page, in large stylized letters was Summer 2021. It was surrounded by swirls of stars, hearts and dollar signs. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself as I flipped the page.

The top of the next page said “8 Weeks/32 to go”. There was an illustration of some fruits and flowers along the margin, and another list:

• Tired

• Fat

• Ugly

• Overworked

• Underpaid

nobody can know

when I start to show

just another hoe

ghosted by a bro

The opposite page was a bunch of numbers.

Rent 1750

Food 450

Bills 550

Cards 385

Car 250

Other 250

Pay 3200

Need 435

A budget. An imbalanced one. One that made me pause and think about my own finances. I didn’t have a rent payment, thanks to a nice arrangement with my family. But I knew the pain of the crunch all too well, due to my growing collection of big boy toys. I have everything I ever wanted. But no one to share it with. How cliché, right?

“Hey kid!” It was my dad. “Gary wants to know if you’d part with the Harley for 12 G’s,” he yelled from the bottom of the stairs. What a joke. That bike was worth at least 20 grand and they both knew it.

“Not a chance, fool” I responded from behind the door. I flipped the page.

“15”

“It’s not for sale. I’m busy”

June 11th

Mate, hate what I create

Take me on a dinner date

Judge me by what’s on my plate

Leave the next one up to fate

June 15th

Tea

Oatmeal

Salad

Milk

June 29th

Crying shame. Less is more

July 16th

Days are nothing

Years are seasons

July 19th

What's in a name

Future identities

Changing the game

Hovering entities

August 5th

Walls balls and babydolls

Mama clutches daddy calls

King of all the shopping malls

Watch out when the weather falls

August 8th

2 bedroom market rents

800 1200 1600

Nrh cmhc mkt

Public/ “average” / private

Demystify the data

Bridge the gap

Fill the holes

Set the cap

Other goals

Co-operate

Influence

Innovate

Make new cents

Save an egg

Run a lap

Break a leg

Stay inside

Go away

Seek and hide

Sleep and play

August 14th

Why dwell on the past

Seasons that will never last

Shy away from moving fast

Following the lines we cast

August 17th

Ya well I can tell

Just like you can see and smell

Didn’t try to cast a spell

We were fine and then we fell

What was I even reading?

August 22nd

be free poetry

this is what he said to me

you should really charge a fee

whose the bird and whose the tree?

cook took brothers book

traded for a fishing hook

someone you will overlook

pitied on a petty crook

Chills. The next page was another budget.

Bank 427

Due 188

Ballet 55

Work party 40

Savings 50

Student loan 76

Left by payday 18

DON’T SPEND MONEY BITCH. DON’T GAIN WEIGHT CUZ NEW THREADS AIN’T FREE.

Charming.

“Bet you’d part with it for $20 grand, eh son?” Gary bellowed. It was the first time he’d addressed me directly that day.

“Show me the money, man,” I shouted down, irritated by the interruption. I flipped again.

September 30th.

Drawing of an island, drawing of an apartment building, headline:

Time = Value = Money

Ultimatum never ends

Pay the dues and make amends

Send a letter to your friends

Pass thru where the sunlight bends

October 3rd

Love without trust

Heavier lust

Somebody must

Secretly bust

Fiddled and fussed

Shouted and cussed

Barely discussed

Doubted no dust

October 7th

Find your boots and hat and coat

Exercise your right to vote

Publish everything I wrote

Digital like phone remote

Haute boat doesn’t float

Classy ladies never gloat

What we wouldn’t dare promote

She was shoving down his throat

October 18th. It’s only a matter of time. January 18th 2022 baby due

Hey. That’s my birthday. Her baby is due on my birthday.

Time to meet the new professor

Speaking out on our oppressor

Bet that she’s a better guesser

Couple hundred on the dresser

Heard she’s getting God to bless her

Never lets a man caress her

Doesn’t let the drama stress her

Both are evil one is lesser

- L. Russell

L. Russell? A name. Ok Ms. Russell. Where can I find you?

Governance. Extended terms. Stock Market Predictions. Heavy Hitting Players

Board meeting tonight

GV co-op

What in the world does this girl do?

10.22.21 she writes:

She’s not there but I still feel her

Somehow shit keeps getting realer

Take a drink and call the dealer

Just like riding a two wheeler

Tattoo on the memory

Stuck in on and under me

Tried to cover for a fee

Entertainment isn’t free

Maybe it’s not cash we pay

Sacrifice our time each day

Crash and burn and beg and pray

Work from home so we can stay

Write another stupid letter

Haven’t washed my favourite sweater

Wasn’t ready to forget her

She dove deep and loved me better

October 20th

Full Moon

Manifest the best

Drawing of the moon over a fall landscape.

October 25th

Filing paperwork/having fun

Drawing of a pregnant girl. Drawing of the girl I saw. Self portrait of the most beautiful creature I’ve ever laid eyes on.

October 26th

Customer/client/product

Take data/use/get rich

Regular people and intelligent people figuring out

Get in early

Prices

investors

Aliens

Social media is evil

Drawing of aliens. Or fantasy creatures. Eating a big fat lady.

Spirituality

Retrograde

Character development

Gossip

#mefirst

October 27th

Strategic vision

Transparency

Trust

Accountability

Make better decisions

Property management

Drawing of planets and stars in outer space

October 29th

Be the one to tell the story

Let it out in truth and glory

That’s the last thing she wrote.

There was a knock at my door. “Yeah?” I called out from my bed without looking up from the notebook.

“20 racks, kid” It was Gary. I sat up and looked at him. He was holding an envelope. A big one.

“Is this a joke?” He walked over to my bed. I couldn’t believe it.

“You wanted to see the money? I’m serious about the bike. Let me ride it home today and you can keep that. Count it. 20 large.”

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I used my knee to hit the accessibility button and the front door swung open in front of me. In the lobby of GrapeVine Co-operative Homes, I fumbled with the key ring, looking for the little label marked “mail box”. Attached to it was a small silver key. Inside the mail box were some fast food coupons, a flyer for duct cleaning and a pile of envelopes. One envelope was thicker than the others but I picked it up along with everything else and stuffed it into my handbag as I unlocked my office and stepped inside. So much paperwork. Another day, another dollar.