Star Trek: "The Corbomite Maneuver"

"Star Trek TOS" Season 1, Episode 10, "The Corbomite Maneuver," is widely considered one of the finest moments in Trek history. Since it features a pint-sized Clint Howard as an alien villain aboard a giant floating gumball (made of smaller gumballs), I think that assessment is pretty much spot-on. The episode also showcases Kirk's ability to play space poker and illustrates why he was the only Starfleet Cadet at the Academy to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru, the infamous "no-win" situation test (a subplot highlighted in "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"). By the end of the episode, even the casual viewer is convinced that Kirk is as cool as ice—if not literally, then at least in the sense that he never buckles under pressure.

Kirk is contrasted with Mr. Bailey (Anthony Call), who sits at the controls on the Bridge right next to an increasingly exasperated Sulu, who often reaches over to push Bailey's buttons (literally) for him. Bailey becomes progressively more and more unhinged, as a giant space cube revolving on its axis floats up to threaten the Enterprise. In no time flat, a weird-looking, big-headed, and butt-headed alien overlord with a high Princess Ozma collar and a bad attitude appears on the viewscreen, making all kinds of threats. It seems that, by destroying the intergalactic Rubik's Cube, Kirk offended the "First Federation" as much as if he had sent out a diss track via subspace frequencies.

So, a giant glowing pinball orb, made of other crystalline pinball-like orbs, comes charging at the Enterprise, threatening holy hell. Balok the Butt-Head declares that he's going to destroy the Enterprise within a few minutes, adding, "Y'all better start praying to your gods, be they real or whatnot." Kirk then gets a brilliant idea and mutters the magic word, "Corbomite," which I reckon Jimmy T. came up with right off the top of his two-fisted, ass-whoopin' cranium. The Balok Thing falls for the ruse and, instead of sending the Enterprise to Kingdom Come, sends out a three-orb UFO shuttlecraft to tow the Enterprise to "Federation One," or something like that. But Kirk, living out a quasi-mythological adaptation of old sea folklore as a kind of Odysseus of the sci-fi set, manages to fly his ship at right angles, overloading the tractor beam (I bet Obi-Wan wishes he could have done that back on the Death Star) and rendering the puny shuttlecraft a burned-out hulk. But it gets better. (Yes, the following contains spoilers for anyone who hasn't actually seen this episode. I can't help it. I'm only human, and I don't have green blood. Damn it, Jim, I'm a self-styled media commentator and essayist, NOT a mere television critic!)

Kirk, in an attempt to demonstrate to the presumed hot-headed, suspicious, hostile, and homicidal alien minds that Earthmen and their intentions are always vanilla and on the up and up, beams over with McCoy (Deforest Kelly)and the seemingly neurotic, bound-to-crack-under-pressure Bailey. They find that the ugly, ultra-menacing "Balok" is the puppet (one designed, incidentally, by Hollywood puppeteer and sculptor Wah Chang) avatar for a diminutive, child-like E.T. with a bad, dubbed voice, who just happens to be the spitting image of Clint "Evilspeak" Howard.

They all get shitfaced chugging Tranya. "Ah!" says the pint-sized Howardian terror, "Most refreshing!" (To hear the dubbed dialogue, which was done by Walker Edmiston, is to know both horror and absurdity in equal measure.)

Bailey is with them, of course, and as befitting the role of a show whose five-year mission is seemingly to show the redemptive power of the human spirit, he good-naturedly elects to spend the rest of his natural life with an underage Clint Howard, making him the weirdest adult male in the Final Frontier.

Finally, we get that Kirk is a badass. Okay, point taken. Now, I'm going to maneuver my ass over to the loveseat and watch another episode. By the way, the "Voice of Balok" puppet was provided by none other than Lurch himself, Ted Cassidy, who had already appeared as a monstrously big quasi-Kanamit in the episode "What Are Little Girls Made Of?" which was written by Robert "Psycho" Bloch. Just some trivia.

Kirk out.

"Star Trek: The Original Series" Trailer — 110: "The Corbomite Maneuver"

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