Oneness

In another dream last night - I had a name. And I was the name. Other beings called me ‘Mmm’ - long ‘M’ without vowel sound. Gorgeous, isn’t it?

I woke up and realized this is me, nameless creature and I have nothing, I could claim it belongs to me. I don’t have any property, nor any feelings to grasp the lack of anything. If you ask me who am I, I say, - I exist, therefore, I am. I was not given the sense of choice from the beginning either, therefore I don’t know what if feels like not to be the way I am. I simply am, and I know I will be this way till the end. But I have dreams from time to time, oh, if only you could imagine what I am going through when they come. Dreams are… There’re not proper words in the language I can compare my dreams with. Once I saw this place, it was somewhere in the space, just like this one but still different. Living creatures had the choice of ‘’to be or not to be’’ and they could sense it as two different vibrations. What a blessing. I can imagine how happy one can be with a choice, and even if they choose not to be, they will have an idea where they are going. In my case even If I go, where can I go? Or when can I go? Or what is to go. I don’t know. In my dreams I can’t even choose what to dream of. I would definitely dream going somewhere one can ‘not to be’ like other creatures from my dream. If only I could dream of that and be able to write all about after it in this black Notebook. But even this Notebook is not mine. It appears to be with me all the time, but it doesn’t belong to me. I’d love to take a pan and write in there. I don’t know when, but that day will come. And I will write in it, and I will choose a name for me. And I will have something that belongs to me. That will be the most beautiful day of my life, because I will receive a gift, the first and the one. That gift will be a present, time will come!

Other beings have notebooks with different colors, and they own them. I am the only one with the black Notebook, without ownership. Every single being has something, I am the only one with nothing in life. Probably I don’t exist at all, and I am making things up right now, but as long as right now is here, I can assume that I am.

One thing is for sure, the black Notebook exists and it’s full of sins, stories, experiences, but not mine own, they belong to someone else. With all the ‘blessings’ I own, I come with no sins as well. Sad, isn’t it? Every line in this Notebook belongs to someone who chose to load personal stories and sins in here, in order to feel release, to forget all and to start over. By touching their notebook to this black One, they give away their experiences. I would never do that, if only I had something to tell like a story, which is not a dream I would never let it go. But they say it is too heavy to bear all, so it’s better to let go. I’m not even able to let go this Notebook, which doesn’t belong to me, imagine if I had something that is mine, oh no… I would NEVER!

I forget to mention, I have privilege, that’s something, isn’t it? Whatever it means I have it. This Notebook gives me ‘privilege’ to enter anywhere I go and stay as long as I wish to. Everyone trusts me knowing I will never hurt them or take anything from them which is worth having, I and this black Notebook are harmless as ‘f’.

There’s no sin, (except swearing. ‘f’ word gives me so much joy, I don’t even know what if feels like to be…’F’-ed , but whatever) no repentance, no fun, no guilt, no ‘’color’’is in me at all. Fun fact - Similarity-attraction, black is the absence of color. I am attracted to this black Notebook and it gravitates towards me. Notebook is the reflection of my existence. Other beings see us together and ‘fear of another’, leaves them instantly, as if we were not other being but other part of themselves. Unusual feeling, isn’t it?

Only by their own will do black Notebook free people from their sins. Notebook wouldn’t count that as a goodness of himself, for he thinks goodness must be done from your own will, but he wouldn’t not act by his will, it takes away sin by the willingness of others. Once he takes the sins, he changes the colors of sinner’s notebooks, even if they are obsessed with to the color and want it to remain the same, black notebook still changes it. Many sinners avoid changing the color of their notebooks with such fear that they prefer to remain where they are for the rest of their lives. Even though black Notebook knows fear is a very strong feeling, and it is directed against change, he won’t help you deal with it. For him you’re governed by only your own will, so he says, -Take your will and beat the fear or stay where you are, I’m not here to choose for you, but you are! Does it sound familiar?

Sometimes, I try to help others to beat the fear and try my best to get them ‘in’. And… The day I decided to ‘’help’’ the one, was 4 years ago. I saw him coming toward me, he was with a rad notebook. He wanted to load his sins to this black Notebook. But as soon as he saw me, he changed his mind. He said, he could not harm a girl like me.

“A girl?’’ I didn’t even know I was a girl. I never needed my gender. And the moment he called me a girl, I realized he was a boy. (‘’Is she …’’)

I told him it would not affected me in any way, loading his sins into this Notebook. That this Notebook didn’t even belong to me. He started to talk about suffer. I told him that I didn’t know what suffering was, that he wouldn’t be able to hurt me in anyway even if he tryed, but he decided to think what he wanted to think and I could not change his mind.

I’ve never had this experience, nor have I ever imagined that it was possible to have feeling like that- wanting something. I wanted something for him, but I could not find a name for it. I became obsessive, I started thinking about him. Not only I wanted him to be with me but he was the ‘want’ himself. I stopped helping other creatures. I lost my being completely and became his shadow. He wouldn’t even want to see me. He would run away every time I show up. The more I wanted to be with him, the more he was trying to make off. And one day he disappeared. I was never been interested in other beings this way until then. I could only talk about their sins or stories but I was never into them to really know who they were. From now on I wanted to understand everything. I started to read others’ notebooks with compassion. I’ve read so many amazing stories. It was as if my eyes opened up to the new reality. Feelings and senses were added to me. The more I got to know them, the more I liked their lives. I stopped judging the stories. I simply could feel the stories without judging if they were good or bad experiences.

One evening I entered the bar, holding my black notebook in my hand. I saw a stranger was holding a notebook of the same color as him. First time it was hard for me to recognize him. He was changed a lot in his shape. He looked shorter and much skinnier than I remember. He saw me and knew who I was, and the moment he knew I knew him as well. I went over him to ask why he ran away from me. He said, he was not running from me, just couldn’t stand near my nature, it was uneasy ‘’to be touched’’ by him. I’ve never even knew it was possible for someone to touch me at all. Unease was a word that made it possible in my mind actually. I was not touched anybody before, but I take my hand and touched his face. But the moment I touched, he disappeared again. (The last thing I remember that day I was in an ocean, shaking)

Last night I went to the bar where tourists gather. I was the only one innocent and sinless in the whole bar. Throughout the evening, there was one woman with a green notebook, who would not take her eyes away from me, even for a second. Finally, she came to me and as if I were her old friend said:

-Making money is being comfortable with taking it from other people’s pockets and put it into yours. And most importantly, remember you’re not taking it from the rich people’s pockets but from the poor and miserable. What a shame. Isn’t it? And then she gave me an offered: -If you give me your black notebook, I will give you my freedom of choice, then I’ll give you my own 20,000 $ that I took from poor by selling garbage to them. She wanted me to give up my identity and take hers, but I would be given a choice to remain as she was or changed all her ways. She would take my life, free from any kind of choices, pure and sinless. Other times in any circumstances I would’ve never given up the Notebook, but the idea that I might have much more chance of getting him back that way took me, so I accepted her offer. The moment she took my notebook and put money on my pocket, I saw the change, my body no longer belonged to me, but I felt if I had moved into her body. I looked at myself in the mirror to see if I still had my looks, and sure enough that was still me, but I could feel this woman in me as the new sensation. I felt fear and hopelessness all over my body. I felt I could not stand it anymore, but simple thought about him illuminated my mind again like the lightning after the storm. Slowly I warmed up, regained consciousness, I was still experiencing unusual sensations, but the fear disappeared, and it was replaced by that light. In my mind I heard his name for the first time. I felt him in me. He was shining through my entire body. In that moment I knew what my name was. I had it all together.

And I’m writing right now to create possibility, that one day he would feel what I felt - the oneness.