Finding a place

"You know, when you're a kid, they tell you it's all, grow up. Get a job. Get married. Get a house. Have a kid, and that's it. Ah. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It's so much darker. And so much madder.....And so much better." Elton Pope, Doctor who, Love and Monsters.

I grew up a Mormen or Latter Day Saint my whole life I thought that I would be a member for the rest of my life. In the church I had to keep up a certain apperance as the good Mormen girl I had to put up a front as the quite girl who knew her scriptures, all the right answers, and had the right clothes. I did show some of the good girl side and after a while it was easier to show that side becasue whenever my real side came out people questioned bullied, and pushed into being the good girl that people want. On the other hand I was judged for being the quite, shy, and submissive girl who always had her nose in a book.

I am a introvert I do not like being part of a large crowds because whenever I am in a crowed room that I felt like I was screaming in a crowded room and no one could hear me. No one knows the real me at church all they see someone that they want to see not the real person does not help that I show that side of me because of personal reasons. When I was in collage I started thinking about what I wanted out of as a spiritual person.

After I graduated from collage and moved to china for six months I had a chance to look at what I wanted out of life. As well as ask myself some questions;

Do I want to stay with the church and keep up appearances?

Do I want to find my own way and become a spiritual person?

What does this mean for me as a member of the church?

Did I want to stay with the church truth be told as a member even though I like to follow my own path I felt like I was following what every one else was saying that will take you to a perfect life. Do the right things, say the right words, read your scriptures, go to church, say your prays, and you will have all the blessings you could ever want. I was told this my whole life and where did that get me I was happy with parts of that life, but I never found true peace. I felt the need to put on a front and be the good girl the whole time do not say that that "No i do not want to be just the good girl!', I am tired of hiding the fact that I am a goth and a nerd.

It is hard being part of a church that tells you one thing, but the people do something else. They talk about love one another, but keep putting people down who like being different those who do not dress the same, act the same, follow the crowd, and never felt like they where part of the group. Growing up I had to deal with bullying, people not understanding me as a individual, and judge me based on their first impressions not the real me.

The church tells the girls that they can have a fairy tale ending if they do all the right things. What they do not tell them is that there is also going to be hardships and that they do not always get the prince they wanted right away. They spend the rest of their lives searching for the prince of their dreams becoming desperate for a husband that they would forget to look for someone that they love and who loves them for themselves. Instead they look for the perfect Mormon boy who wants the perfect Mormon girl.

Am I a spiritual wicca, yes I am working on becoming a spiritual wicca I still believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, but I also follow the path of Hecate because I am working both with the shadow side and the light side in my self. I have started doing shadow work through writing and tarot cards as well as learning meditation skills. There is some of the teachings of the church I still follow like good and evil like Angels and Demons, family values, and life after death and that we lived in a place before coming to earth. I also believe in the rule of three, the magic of the earth, intentions, and working with male and female energies.

What does it mean for me as a member of the church? I left the church and after that I did not know what I wanted I knew I was a spiritual person and believe in at first I had a interest in witchcraft as i was doing research I found that Wicca fits what I believe in the way of how people and nature work togather in harmony with each other. I want to be part of something that helps me be a better person, find peace within myself, become one with nature, and male/female energies.

Now I am working on being a better person, following the path of Wicca, and the path of Hecate. Even though I am working on that I am become a happier person there are day where i have anxiaty and depression, but those days are becoming less now. I met someone who loves me and I love him we both are spiritual people and both agree that we are tired of people being fake and want to show our true selves. I am still finding my path, but this is my path so far.