Dark Star One

DARK STAR ONE

Lindsay: Hello everyone, thanks for coming, yes what is

N8: Counsellor, Is this going to take long?

Thorvald: Yes, will this be necessary? I was sharpening my Axe and my flowers really need watering.

Lindsay: The ships weekly counselling meetings are mandatory, right STEVE?

STEVE: Yes, the federation alliance protocol states all crew members must attend.

N8: Damn!

Captain: I mean do we really have to? Aren’t I in charge here?

Lindsay: Yes, I mean No….errrrr Oh dear

N8: Besides , I have no feelings to talk about, I’m a Robot!

Captain: Can someone wake Lars up

Phil: Yo, Doctor, wake up!

Lars: Oh Heeee did the rabbit find the biscuits?

Captain: Ah, he wasn’t sleeping, he’s tripping balls again. Thorvald, can you stop poking him in the eyeball plese!

Thorvald: Hmmm, where is his mind, Captain. Is he broken?

Captain: Oh yes, very, but he’s a brilliant Doctor and we need him…. wipe that dribble off his chin will you

Lindsay: SOOoooooooo, Crew, who wants to go first, this is a circle of trust here.

N8 (under his breath): Technically it’s a square

Lindsay: Sorry N8?

N8: We’re sat in a squared seating formation, so technically, this is a square of trust.

Lindsay: *Sighs* Is it too early to start drinking?

N8; Hell NO!!

Mechanical whirlings and twirlings as N8’s chest compartment opens, sounds of a cocktail being made.

N8: Here you go!

Lindsay: Thank you (Sips drink) sweet lord, what’s in this?!

N8; Vermouth, Gin, ice, lemon…..and errr battery acid…for that extra kick!

Lindsay: Are you trying to kill me?

N8: Would that stop these therapy sessions?

Phil: I have a question….

Lindsay: Ok, great Phil, what is it?

Shepard: Would you like to see my cockpit?

Lindsay: No thank you, I hear it’s not that impressive

*Crew laugh*

Lindsay: Yes Officer Figments, you have something to share?

Figments: Who? Me? Errrr

Captain: She’s kind of shy, right Figments?

Figments: Well, there is one thing…

Thorvald: If this is about my snoring again!!

Figments: No no, the anti dampening sonic shield I installed in your quarters is working quite adequately.

Captain: You mean the pillows you stapled to the walls?

Figments:……..Yes (sternly)

Lindsay: What do you have to say Officer Figments?

Figments: Well, as chief Science officer…

Shepard: *Whispers to Captain* Isn’t she the only science officer here?

Captain: Yes….Shhh

Figments: As CHIEF science officer I think I deserve a little bit more respect round here!

Lindsay: OK, what is it you would like from everyone?

Figments: Does anyone here actually know my real name?

Shepard: That’s easy….Sweet cheeks!

Figments: That’s officer Sweet Cheeks to you, Flyboy!

Lars: Ahhh yeeeee Jayneways got all the jellies in her pocket again. Who let the dogs out?

Captain: Thorvald, can you stop holding Lars up by his ankles!

Thorvald: What is wrong with him, Captain, is this the work of Loki?

Captain: I think he’s been in the morphine cabinet again. I hear it’s quite morish.

Figments: How is Lars the only one who knows my name, he’s virtually a talking turnip!!

Thorvald: Officer Jellies?

Figments: NO

Thorvald: Ah, Officer Dogsout?

Figments: JAYNEWAY……my name is Jayneway

Captain: Really?

Jayneway: Yes

Captain: Since when?

Jaybeway: Since always!

Captain: Hmm, why haven’t you said anything before?

Jayneway: I bring it up every meeting!!

Captain: Really? Well, OK then, Jayneway it is. STEVE, please change the ships records, Officer Figments is now Officer Jayneway.

STEVE: Sure, Officer Jayneway?

Jayneway: Yes, STEVE?

STEVE: Nice to finally meet you!

Lindsay: OK, so anyone else have anything to say

N8: Yes, Me

Lindsay: OK, go ahead N8

N8: Can all of you meat bags stop blocking the shitters on the ship please, Thorvald, I’m looking at you!!

Thorvald: What? What have I done?!

N8: You left a floater in there yesterday, I could have put a saddle on it!

Thorvald: How do you know it was me?

N8: It virtually had horns sticking out of it! I didn’t spend 8 years in the academy to clean up all of your bowel deposits.

Captain: N8, I found you on a salvage planet, broken in half! I patched you up and uploaded all the mechanical schematics into your mindframe.

N8; Really, I didn’t go to the academy?

Captain: No

N8: Hmmm

STEVE; Captain, I have received communication from Vanguard

Plays message. Vanguard describes that she can not join the crew on the ship but her facility and her services as weapons and gadget expert are ours if we want them.

Captain: Nice, looks like we have a new recruit!! Any news from Skip Lightly?

STEVE: No, Captain, I have had no contact from him.

Captain: Damn, I was hoping he’s secured that crate of Trasvaxian Whisky.

Lars: Hmmm….whisky, you say?

Phil: Oh, now he wakes up!

Lars: Blow it Flyboy…nywahhh my mind grapes hurt, Captain, we must talk….

Captain: What’s wrong Lars…ahhhhh, he’s just pissed his pants, hasn’t he?

STEVE: Captain, I am picking up a distress beacon in Alpha Quandrant 7

Captain: Survivors?

STEVE: I can’t tell

Captain: You can tell me, I’m the Captain

STEVE: I cannot tell due to a strong energy signature coming from the ship

Captain: OK, STEVE, set a course

STEVE: Yes, Captain

Captain: Ok, people, you know the drill, to your positions!

Lindsay: Wait, we haven’t finished with this weeks session!

Captain: We have now….oh and give Lars a towel down will you

Lindsay: Maybe I should have drunk that battery acid.

ON THE SHIPS BRIDGE

Captain: OK, Steve, what are we looking at?

STEVE: Looks like a Valox Cruiser, 1st generation.

Captain: An Earth ship huh, is that like 500 years old, what’s that doing all the way out here.

STEVE: I sense Wormhole Residue on it’s hull, captain

Captain: Wormhole Residue, never use those those two words together again.

STEVE: Noted. All of the life pods are still unused. Although I detect a massive energy source coming from Deck B.

Thorvald: I have a very bad feeling about this, Captain. I feel the tight grip of Doom wrapped around this ship.

Captain: You feel a tight grip of Doom around everything, Thorvald. That reminds me, stop smashing the ships food replicator to pieces.

Thorvald: It is sorcery, only Odin himself has that true magic….it is unnatural.

Captain: It’s called technology Thorvald, get used to it. STEVE is the ship safe enough to explore.

STEVE: The hull is at 80% integrity and holding. Although I would air on the side of caution.

Captain: OK, I’ll go alone, less chance of things to go sideways . Power up the Raven.

Captain: Shepard, you’re with me flyboy

Shepard: Sure thing, time for an adventure

Captain: OK, keep her docked and steady. Keep the engine on, I might be coming back hot.

Shepard: You got it, I’ll be right here Capitano

(cassette tape sounds) …..”I’m allll outta love, I’m so lost with out youuuuu.”

STEVE: Captain, I have uploaded the ships layout to your suits NavCom

Thorvald: Captain, sensors read zero life signs.

Captain: Where are all the bodies? And what’s that weird noise?

Thorvald: I hear no noises captain, there is a large thermal reading in the lower deck.

Captain: Human?

STEVE: Unlikey

Captain: What’s all these stars on the ground?

Thorvald: They are not stars captain, they’re pentagrams. By the Gods, I knew I should have come with you!

Captain: There’s no way Iwas getting in that small shuttle with you after you had the 5 bean chilli for lunch. Last time I was blind for two days.

STEVE: Captain, you are at the thermal reading, it’s just behind that bulk head door

Captain: Wait, did you hear that?

STEVE: There are no unusual audio readings, captain.

Captain: Hmmm I could have sworn I heard voices. OK, STEVE, override the security door.

Jayneway: Captain, do you not think that door was locked for a reason?

Thorvald: Fig…Jayneway is right, captain.

Captain: STEVE, thoughts?

STEVE: What’s it like to kiss a boy….

Captain: Errrr you might be asking the wrong person on that one STEVE. Thoughts about opening this door?

STEVE: Right. Readings show no radiation or movement but the thermal scan shows something extremely powerful.

Captain: Fig…dammit…..Jayneway, could this be used as an energy source for Dark Star One?

Jayneway: I believe so, Captain, I’ll have to run the numbers!

Captain: OK, report back ASAP…..sod it, I’m going in , breach the door!.....Holy Parker Posey….are you seeing this?

Thorvald: Odins beard, look at the desecration!

Captain: Well, I’ve found the bodies!!

Shepard: Errrr Captain, whats happening? The ships starting to vibrate. I won’t be able to stay docked if it increases.

Captain: You stay docked you hear, I won’t be long

Shepard: Aye Aye

STEVE: It looks like they have been torn apart from the inside

Thorvald: The energy source is in that mass of carnage, Captain….

Captain: Well, that's a no from Me!!

Jayneway: Captain, this is incredible, the energy source is a perfect match for DS1, it could power the ship for centuries.

Captain: Shit

STEVE: We may never find a another like it again, Captain

Captain: Double shit!.......OK, OK, I’m going in

* Sloppy sounds of limbs being moved, entrails falling etc*

Captain: (Sicky noises)

STEVE: Captain: I have traced the source of the energy signal, it’s coming from Dimension B13

Captain: WHAT?? Oh my god, that’s an eyeball….B13? I thought all traces had been destroyed in the D- Wars?

STEVE: It would seem It would seem we missed one

Captain: Oh….there's the other eyeball…OK, I’m reaching in….nearrrrrly there…almost there….got it!!!

NOISES…Voices…demons, screaming, evil laughter, betrayal, oracle saying words like Destiny…only hope….saviour

STEVE: Captain…..Captain?

Thorvald: Captain come in!!

Captain: What happened?...the power….did you all hear that?!

STEVE: Captain, you completely vanished, where did you go?

Captain: …I….I don’t remember…wait, what’s the sound?!

Thorvald: The ship is breaking apart…run…NOW!!!

Captain: Shepard….Shepaaaaard…Shepard do you read me?! Shepard you piece of Sh

Shepards: I’m here, Captain, I had to detach, you might have a little jump when you get here

EXPLOSIONS!!

Captain: I have the energy source, I’m coming in hot!!!

STEVE: Captain, your life signs are off the charts. How are you moving so fast?

Thorvald: By Grabthar’s hammer, he’s like a leaf on the wind!!!

Jayneway: Look at him go!

Captain: Screams…HOLY HELL, I think I’ve soiled my suit, Shepard…incoming!!!

Phil: My god, look at him, he’s Glowing!!!

Captain; AHHHHH

BACK ON DARK STAR ONE

Lars: Captain…Captain…CAPTAIN (SLAP)

Captain: What…what happened…Where am I?! And why does my jaw hurt?

Lars: Captain: Captain, you’re in the sick bay, I have some news, you might want to lay down…

Captain: I am laying down

Lars: Oh, maybe I should lay down then?

Captain: Concentrate Lars, what’s wrong?

Lars: Officer Jayneway?

Jayneway: How long were you in contact with the energy source, Captain

Captain: Not sure, couple of minutes, why?

Jayneway: Captain, this is unbelievable, unquantifiable, disproportionally …universally

Captain: Just get on with it Jayneway!!

Jayneway: Ah…yes…Well, it would seem the energy source has transferred all of it’s power to you…and you alone

Captain: I don’t feel any different..

Lars: Is it me or is he floating two feet above the bed?

Jayneway: For once Lars, you’re not wrong!

Captain: I must have blacked out, did I make the jump back to the Raven.

Captain: Errr no, not quite. Can you join us on the Bridge, Captain?

ON THE BRIDGE

Captain: OK, so what are we looking at?

Thorvald: Errrrr

Captain: Thorvald, why are you shaking?

Thorvald: I have never been in the presence of a god before!!

Captain: What? Give over, it’s me, it’s your boy

STEVE: Captain, you may want to watch this

FAST FORWARD NOISES OF SCREAMING, EXPLOSIONS….

Captain: So let me get this right….. I flew out of the exploding ship, grabbed Raven …one handed!! Burst in to a beam of energy…engulfed Dark Star One and then transported us all 500 years into the future?

Jayneway: Ummm yes, that pretty much covers it!

STEVE: Captain?

Captain: Yes, STEVE

STEVE: Looks like you levelled up!!

Captain: YEAHHHHH BOYYYYYYY!!!

………..N8: The shitters are blocked again!!! THORRRRRVAAALLLLLLLDDDDD!!!!!