Craps and Zodiacs

You are startled. You just woke to find yourself on a tiny UFO flying way too fast over the Earth, which is clearly thousands of feet below you. Is that Texas? You can see Missouri from here, too!

"Greetings, Primatoid of star system 1,975. I'm Voltmayer from the Secret Moon Base. Welcome back to the land of the conscious."

You are shocked, and barely able to squeak out "Am I being abducted?"

"Who said I did?" Voltmayer asks you. "I found you in my Yoo-Fo when I got back. And, yes, that's the original pronunciation. Fun fact! Those who spell it out as U-F-O are incorrect. Anyway, I just assumed you had a bit too much Scorpio Gin."

"What do you want with me?" you ask nervously.

"I'd say 'Take me to your leader,' but I doubt you know who it actually is. Besides, I don't care about meeting the pointy ear fluff ball. I can't translate the meows yet, anyway. We're on our way to have some fun, isn't that the plan?" Voltmayer winks. "Wait until you meet some of my associates that you will not believe I know, but then, you are listening to an alien as it is. I can tell this is your first time for that, but you'll have a few more firsts tonight. Do not bother to ask how I got hooked up with these sentient beings, though. That's a story for another time. February 31st, perhaps." Voltmayer chuckles as he scans you with Munchonian beam technology. "This is just for my safety, we're not going to do that 'War of the Worlds' thing. There, all good. Nothing to cure."

Voltmayer turns towards a screen that seems to just float there. "Ollopa, put away the stabby things, please." A computerized female voice responds "Yes, sir." The tray folds up and drifts into a cubby hole of some kind.

You start to feel a little more relaxed, though your pupils are still quite wide.

"That tube over there. Do not spill. Ollopa, assistance, please." he says calmly. A curtain appears seemingly out of nowhere, powered by a robotic arm you are not sure the origin of.

"You see, sometimes I like to go to Pink Hell Bar and Casino. It's a little sparkling, glittery dump just outside of regular Hell, barely. You might say that there are some tough customers there, and you might be right. Best to not insult anyone, if you would just assume not lick the floor. Feel free to close the window if you don't like the fire or screams from next door. It's fine. The air conditioning works wonders, and is generally pretty loud to boot. I mean, you gotta boot it to get it to turn it on, too." Voltmayer explains. "Ever been?"

"No... no?" You stutter. "You're going to love it." Voltmayer reassures you.

The UFO comes in for a landing. As Voltmayer escorts you down a dark, barely lit stairwell with pink fire torches and the walls of a cave he informs you "When we arrive, we'll be greeted by a couple of the regulars, I suspect. I consider them friends to some extent. I mean, I haven't felt the need to leave their frozen carcasses drifting towards the solar companion of your planet just yet, anyway. You're with me, so no worries. You ready to go in? Why, of course you are!"

When you walk into the building, there is an ultramodern jukebox straight ahead, situated across from a small dance floor. "Small, but adequate, since it rarely gets attention, except on line dance night. Lines like to dance, I suppose, but I've never actually seen them." Voltmayer laughs. He points out "The shiny jukebox is a bit of a contrast to the barely functional pool table propped up on a concrete block on one side, don't you think? Well, at first it seems to be until you realize that the pool table is level and playable, but the jukebox hates dollar bills. Facts. This is a version of Hell, don't forget." Voltmayer begins to chuckle as his hand on your back guides you to the bar. "The pink stools are comfortable so as to console you when you lose all of your money, have no place to go, and have just a few chips left to cash in on your depression coping fuel of choice." he says as he pushes you into one. "There, see? They're great, aren't they?" You feel you have no real choice, and smile weakly. "Interestingly, the place also doubles as a place to exchange currencies, such as Galactic Monetary Units to that paper you call valuable on your fantastic failure of a planet." explains Voltmayer. "Order whatever you like, I got it."

"I don't know what to get." you shyly state, realizing you do not recognize any drink you see, some of which are green slime and others have purple fires.

Voltmayer smiles. "Two Drunk Guy beers, please." "Make that three, he owes me one!" Blaspheming Judas says as he comes into the bar.

"For the uninitiated, Craps is the dice game Hollywood never gets right. If you've never played, I'll teach you. Let's go play." Voltmayer suggests. Voltmayer steps up to the purple and pink Craps table, next to Camazotz, who is pretty much always there.

"Hey, Camazotz, what's going on big guy?" Voltmayer asks. Camazotz the bat demon looks as blue as his skin tone and sarcastically replies with a fake cheerfulness "Well, I continue my perfect streak!" "All loses, eh, bud?" Judas says as he joins you at the table, patting Camazotz on the back. Voltmayer and Judas put some money on the table. "Checks, please. Equal amount of nickels, quarters, and pennies, thanks." Voltmayer says to the dealer. "Sure thing, bud." replies the goat, Comrade, as he puffs smoke from his Cuban cigar and slides his hoof to size up the stacks quickly counting out the chips. Judas asks "May I get mostly nickels and some pennies, buddy?" The dealer stacks the chips for them as the stick man, who happens to be BeautEvil Bonnie, the demon that Judas Iscariot has a crush on, and probable reason he's at the Craps table tonight, exclaims to the other players "New shooter! Come out roll." Judas places two of his $5 chips on the Pass bar just in time for the round to start, next to Camazotz's $10 worth of $1 chips, presumably found on the floor and parking lot, as well as begged off of people one at a time as they sat in the pink bar stools. "If you go down, I'm going down with you, buddy." Judas says as he nudges him. "Dice are out! No more bets, please." informs BeautEvil, just as Voltmayer slaps down $10 on the Don't Pass bar.

Mister Bones looks at Voltmayer's chips, and says "Betting 'Dark Side' is bad luck, don't you know?" Voltmayer smiles. "Listen, my friend with literally no brain, the house edge for a Pass is 1.41%, but a Don't Pass has a house edge of 1.36%. I'm simply taking as much of a mathematical edge as I can get." Mister Bones takes a drink, which simply falls onto the floor, and spills on his bow tie, since he has no lips. "It's all good, I bought my lucky charms." Mister Bones retorts, as he pets his rabbit's foot necklace. Voltmayer lowers his antennae in annoyance. "What? A dead rodent's paw and stinky, stale underpants? Dude. You do not even have a butt!" Voltmayer laughs. "How do they even stay up?"

"Five come alive, the point is five! Take the field!" exclaims BeautEvil Bonnie as she shifts her purple eyes around, looking for losing bets.

Judas claps his hands twice as he says "Back to back, Cadillac, make it happen Camazotz. Daddy needs a beer! I mean, after this one!" "You might want to make do with an empty glass, my friend." Camazotz replies, with a smirk. Both look at Voltmayer as he asks Comrade "Can you lay a no four and no ten for me for $40 each?" "Sure. Vigorish is paid up front, though." Comrade reminds Voltmayer. Voltmayer nods as he lays $82 in chips on the Come area. Mister Bones puts $32 across the place bets, that is, numbers 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10, in hopes to clean up.

"Seven! Pay the lays, but places don't stay! Take the Pass, yo, pay the Don't though!" exclaims BeautEvil Bonnie. "And the house pays for me and my new friend's drinks!" Voltmayer says as he rubs his hands together.

"Figures! Us Gemini are notoriously unlucky!" Camazotz says, frustrated. Voltmayer tosses $10 in chips to Camazotz and says "No such thing, brother." "What do you mean, Voltmayer?" asks Camazotz. "Well, let me explain it to you. Sorry, but I'm going to have to destroy your fantasy." Voltmayer replies.

"You see, looking up at the sky on my planet the stars are arranged completely differently. The zodiacs, as you see them, simply do not really exist. From any other angle, they won't be seen the same way. Even the stars you think are close to each other are most assuredly huge distances away from each other, if you realize you are looking at them three dimensionally. They have absolutely the same amount of effect on your life as dirty underwear have on plastic cubes. Zero." Voltmayer explains.

"I wasn't going to say anything, but you might want to wash your socks, as well, Mister Bones." Judas snickers. Mister Bones replies "I can't, that's lucky dirt."

Camazotz face palms. "You are down $42, my friend." Mister Bones doesn't miss a beat. "ONLY 42, whew! Thanks lucky socks."