Working in an Adult Store: Tales of a Retail Associate

There comes a time in a person’s life when things of a certain size are just overwhelmingly and shockingly truly large. I did not know of John Holmes’ existence until I saw the film Boogie Nights (like a lot of people who have lived under a rock).

One can only imagine the look on my face when we were doing inventory one day at Condom Sense. I pulled out three John Holmes Suction Cup dildos, with his picture on the box accompanied by the slogan “The Only Realistic Molded Cock of the Legend” in big yellow letters.

*Apparently, they were models of his gargantuan wang and available in a skin-like material for $199. Not only was this shocking in and of itself, but it had a large suction cup at the base in case the purchaser wanted to suction it to the floor, wall, or bottom of a bathtub. It is now available for $96.00.

My coworker for the day was sweet 19-year-old Josiah, an adorable community college student of Hispanic descent who was more than happy to go along with an idea that sprung to mind during my delirium upon gazing at these boxes.

“Chica blanca loca!” he kept repeating in hysterics after I whispered my idea in his ear as customers checked out the silicone lubricants and lingerie.

The counter housed the one and only register for the store and was made of glass which encased beautiful glass dildos in a variety of sizes and colors. It was locked of course because these dildos cost hundreds of dollars and was perfect and necessary to pull off this prank.

I got a box cutter and pulled out a John Holmes dildo, affixing it to the glass right in front of the register, so people had a little difficulty coming up to make their purchases after this was done, but the room was filled with laughter.

If you have ever seen the Mel Brooks classic Robin Hood: Men in Tights, there is a scene where Dave Chappelle’s character is trying to explain to Robin that he can get to the east side of the little stream to the right side just by side jumping over it so they wouldn’t have to pay a toll for crossing the bridge. If you can imagine, the customers were pretty much going through the motions of this scene as they tried to navigate their way around this 12.5-inch monstrosity that inhibited them from approaching us at a close distance. I too was in hysterics and had to excuse myself and run to the back office to catch my breath and use the bathroom because I was laughing so hard.

I have a sick and dark sense of humor, and in a world where things have become unpredictable, it is admittedly much easier these days to share how I process things and put plans into action. I have done and sometimes still do things that not many “normal” people would ever consider doing. I do not even believe in the world normal and loathe the term of “the new normal.”

Looking at that John Holmes Suction Cup dildo at the store, I personally could not fathom how anyone could fit that inside anything, at least not without significant lubrication and possibly a few Quaaludes. People never cease to amaze me anymore, and I commend John Holmes for his accomplishments in the adult film industry, not to mention his co-stars who could accommodate his pulsating wall of flesh inside their whatchamacallits.