Why Spontaneous Sex Isn’t Always King!

Many of us, including myself, are indeed thrilled by the prospect of sudden spontaneity in our intimate lives with our lovers. Be it in the comfort of our cozy bed or romantic adventurous new places, the promise of a spontaneous affair is alluring enough to make many of us believe that this must be the peak experience of sexual excitement. We are the kind of creatures that, unconsciously, would have carried the notion that planning sex would diminish the passion and excitement of such a moment, or make it feel, somehow mechanical or less instinctive. What is more, this thought we have been engrained with since our very early years, growing up with the idea that the best things happen spontaneously and impulsively.

However, new research undertaken by Katarina Kovacevic and Amy Muise discredits this belief of so many. Their study in the Journal of Sex Research reveals that planned sex may be as rewarding as those spontaneous occasions we dream so much of. The researchers asked people in romantic relationships about their opinions on spontaneous versus planned sex and how they relate to sexual satisfaction. Still, even among respondents who were convinced that spontaneous sexuality was the sexual living peak, satisfaction in sexual life was reported at satisfactory levels, which indicates the pleasure does not rely on spontaneity alone.

The investigation with couples was even more revealing. Even though most of the subjects remained firm in the opinion that spontaneous sex was better, their experiences told otherwise. While conviction remained on record, couples indicated having nearly identical sexual satisfaction during planned or spontaneous encounters. Amy Muise tells us that while spontaneous sex is widely endorsed, the evidence doesn't really support the idea that it's actually more pleasurable. But that's a really important finding, she says, encouraging us to bring our assumptions about intimacy to trial.

So why do we keep idealizing spontaneous sex? Much of it can be attributed to how sex is represented in the media. We are incessantly exposed to images and stories of exciting, spontaneous couplings that appear to be the epitome of desire and excitement. This is exactly what Kovacevic points out, as he navigates through the carefully choreographed and rehearsed scenes, underlining irony in the notion of spontaneity as the result of careful planning and preparation that does not match the fact that real passion might occur only when these moments are spontaneous.

Actually, drawing from the things I relate to in life, I can see how these media influences show that tended to affect my views towards intimacy. First, I thought actual passion was only possible where spontaneity was at the core. I still recall when people started giving me reasons on why the idea of planning an intimate encounter would ruin the element of excitement surrounding it. Lately, I learn to appreciate how planned encounters sometimes even override the others as they can be more fulfilling. It has been extremely refreshing to talk openly with my partner of what we both want and like, so I learned that satisfaction in intimacy is not just about whether the encounter happens spontaneously or planned.

Therefore, the largest pay-off of actually embracing planned intimacy is a potential of reaching a deeper connection. Time spent on each other then opens up scope for creativity and intention. We can try anything-from setting up some kind of ambiance that would add to the experience to involvement of elements which reflect our relationship in a very unique way. Such an intentional approach often leads to a higher level of intimacy and fulfillment than spontaneous encounters may facilitate.

Another way planning of intimacy reduces anxiety is that it is refreshing and helps one to avoid the pressure of being spontaneous all the time. Both know that they have dedicated time for focusing on each other, therefore giving themselves a great room to loosen up. Sharing this room might be very helpful in marriages that have gone for long, as the primary tension may have worn off. The couple would be able to renew their rapport and discover new ways of intimacy with each other if they could spare time for each other.

Even though spontaneous sex is very appealing, it is really important to know that planned encounters are also rewarding. It is through open communication and understanding with our partner that we can really approach the issues of intimacy in a better way. Whether it is planned and intentional or an unplanned burst of passion, what makes all the difference is the connection we build and gain satisfaction from our experience with each other. Perhaps embracing both spontaneity and planning at the same time will take us to richer, more fulfilling relationships, enabling the best of both worlds.