Vetting

So, this is a BDSM basics topic. If you've been in the BDSM lifestyle and don't know what this is then that's fine, we all learn at our own pace. Learning in this lifestyle can be overwhelming and flawed at times. I'm here to help people along in their journeys. Let's get started.

What is vetting? In short, it's a tool used to make sure you are safe and not wasting your time. It's to also see if you're on the same page on different aspects of a relationship or dynamic. Vetting usually is asking questions and a first in person date/meeting. People sometimes think this is beneath them but it's not. If you're in a situation that you have someone you trust who can vet people for you then do it, having a second set of eyes can help. It will also help if your trusted person is a more experienced in the lifestyle.

With the questions in vetting if they refuse to answer don't get involved with them. Some people may think it's an interview or they're competing for you. They're not competing but they are interviewing in way. You don't want to be involved with people who straight up refuse to give you some peace of mind. Peace of mind is the main thing that vetting gives you.

Examples of questions for vetting are:

What are you exactly looking for?

What does that dynamic look like to you?

What does being a dom/sub mean to you?

Do you believe in boundaries and safe words? The only acceptable answer to this question is yes. Ask if they start off at the hardest hit when it comes to impact play. If they say yes stay away.

There are things to look for and buzz words to look out for. For instance, if a dom answers the questions about what a dom or a dynamic look by just talking about bossing you around and being controlling or beating you, he's not a real dom. Or if someone is just looking for sex then they just want to have kinky friends with benefits.

When do you vet someone? Before you get into a relationship with someone. Usually it happens before you meet or when you meet. It's not a simple process because fakes sometimes hide well. So if you notice red flags ask questions even if you are already involved. Vetting is done as soon as possible to make sure that you don't waste your time.

Why is this important? Like I said it's to keep you safe and make sure you have a good experience. Unfortunately, you may need to be on the lookout for anything that this person may have lied about during the vetting process. Vetting is a good start to see if something seems off.

Who is this really protecting? I always understood that this was to protect both parties but especially the subs. The subs have most of the power because they set the boundaries and use the safe words. The sub also are the ones having all the things done to them. You wouldn't want someone who didn't know how to flog or do artistic cutting doing these things to you. That's why you got to ask about kinks and pay attention to their answers and actions.

If the person you are vetting sounds like or seems like they are hiding something, they probably are. You don't want anyone who will hide something from you. Instincts will serve you well in this process.

I may do a post about vetting questions later. These types of topics are so important.