The Reluctant Bull

About four refills of whisky and countless swipes on Tinder later, I was ready to pass out on the couch. Maybe I would text that match back tomorrow, maybe not. Maybe I should uninstall this shitty app once and for all. I can't possibly keep up the appearance of what women could want. I'm on the wrong side of 30, have a pre-teen son with special needs, and an amicable, (maybe too amicable) relationship with an ex-wife.

I remember a mentor of mine told me once, "You are too grindable."

I like to find people I wasn't quite good enough for. I went through a major confidence awakening after my separation. I had become attractive and was getting notices. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning, wanting to unwrap everything I could. I was dumped by a girl I had proposed to, forced to take the ring back to the store hat in hand. After that, was the professor from the affluent family who I'm pretty sure had Aspbergers. She asked me once if I had fetal-alcohol syndrome, because I have small hands and ears.

"Maybe?" Was my reply.

"I don't think you are supposed to ask people those things."

She gave the most aggressive blowjobs in the history of blowjobs. Teeth for days. She always would make comments about how great she was at it. I meanwhile, was just happy to be receiving them.

I thought I was pretty good at eating pussy myself, although I could hear her getting frustrated and she would direct my head around like changing gears on a Toyota.

Anyways, back to Tinder.

Swiping away in a half gaze I came across a couple. Cherry and Carlos.

They seemed fun.

At parties, weddings, obligatory mountain photo.

Only they had happy face emojis over where their mysterious faces should be. Obviously, they didn't want to be found out, as being a swinger is deplorable by society.

Their profile seemed fun.

"Hi, we are looking for single guys and gals and other couples to play and have fun. If you are cool and a nice person, we'd love to meet you!"

"What the fuck, why not?" as I swiped. More out of a false sense of confidence than anything else.

It's a MATCH.

Oh shit. I wasn't ready for an ACTUAL match.

"HI!" Came the message right away. You aren't supposed to message right away! This is the internet!

"What's up? How's your night?" In my instantly 'I could give a shit' single guy response.

Cherry and I chatted back and forth for a few minutes. I started to feel really comfortable with her. Maybe it was the whisky.

"So I'm new to this, should we get a drink?" I asked, hoping to start my new adventure ASAP.

"My husband has to meet all the men first before to see if we will get along." She responded, slow down boy.

I went to bed, visions of orgies dancing through my mind. When I woke up, I immediately went to Tinder to see if there was any news. I thought it was crazy. I was feeling remorseful and my liquid courage wore off. I thought about throwing my phone out the window and making a run for the nearest Amish community. Maybe they would take me in and absolve my sins.

Later that day I got a message. "Hey Luke, this is Carlos. Got time for a drink tonight?"

Down the rabbit hole we go Alice.