The ABC's of BDSM

A is for...

Aftercare

This is when a dominant tends to the submissive's physical, psychological, and emotional needs. Even the most hardcore of masters like to make sure their sub is in one piece. First and foremost, you'll want to take care of any marks or possible injury that have occurred. Then you’ll want to reconcile any emotions. Going through pain, torture, humiliation or degradation can take a toll on you. It’s best to discuss how you were feeling throughout the session, that way you're not left with any lasting damage.

B is for...

Bondage

It’s the first letter in the acronym and perhaps the most popular aspect of BDSM. Bondage: the art and practice where one is physically restrained with just about anything your dirty little mind can conjure up. The most common items are ropes and chains. Ideally you'll want to use soft, plush materials since you're going to have various extremities restrained for periods of time. Make sure your skin can breathe!

C is for...

Communication

An absolute necessity in any relationship, but especially a BDSM one. If anything you are doing makes you the least bit uncomfortable, you NEED to be able to voice that. This is to protect both you and your partner's interests. This does involve talking so you can gauge what both of you want. After all, if one of you isn’t having fun, then neither of you are having fun.

D is for...

Degradation

You are my nasty little slut! To some, this being said to them would be a turnoff. For others, it is a turn-on: getting called degrading names or doing degrading things. This is also something you’ll want to discuss beforehand and make sure you’re okay with, that way both parties can achieve pleasure.

It doesn't have to be just calling someone names. Another degrading act could be something like being forced to strip while your partner watches (similar to humiliation). The difference between degradation and humiliation is humiliation is an act (i.e. stripping) while degradation is an action (i.e. forcing someone to strip).

Don't worry my kinky friend. This isn't the last you've heard about this subject. ;)

E is for...

Edging

The concept of edging means taking your partner to the very brink of orgasm and suddenly stopping. When you climb towards orgasm, it feels like a rising tide. But edging will make those waves come down before they can crash.

This indeed takes some practice as you have to become skilled at knowing when your partner is about to come (which is tricky enough already). One could easily write an entire book on the mystery behind the art of orgasming, and even if you think you’ve cracked the code, guess what? That code changed unexpectedly on you, and now your partner is left without orgasm. One thing that helps is having a healthy relationship established between you and your partner. If they can communicate clearly, their body should have an easier time telling you on whether or not it’s about to hit that sweet release.

Once you’ve (somehow) figured out the telltale signs your partner is about to come, use that to your advantage! If you’re continually thrusting and they like that, pull out. Maybe this won't be well received, but it will accomplish halting an orgasm in its tracks.

Now you might ask “Grace what is the purpose of this”? The answer is: there's two, intensity and pleasure. Think about it. If you keep building towards an orgasm without reaching one, eventually when you do, all of that pent up energy is going to come crashing down like a house of cards. It's going to feel exhilarating and exhausting.

F is for...

Foreplay

Hey I struggle on this one a LOT, actually. If I know I’m about to have a good go on the sexual merry-go-round, I wanna skip to the good part (I'm impatient, you hear?). But not only have I experienced it for myself as well as countless others, a sexual encounter feels an extra degree of awesome when it is built towards gradually. Don't go straight to penetration: start out by kissing, massaging, or caressing one another's genitals. This will make actual penetration feel even better.

G is for...

Gagging

What better way to create the feeling of helplessness than having something shoved into your mouth? You can accomplish this by literally anything that can fit in your pie hole and cancel your ability to move your mouth, but for comfort it’s best to use something soft (and you probably don't want to break your jaw either.) My personal favorite is a classic ball gag which you see pictured above.

H is for...

Humiliation

Take your clothes off, bitch! This right here is one example of how BDSM couples use humiliation. It involves forcing your partner to do things that they may find humiliating such as being spanked in front of other people or being put on a collar and leash. Just make sure you're only doing what you and your partner are comfortable with!

I is for...

Informed consent

Any sexual encounter needs to have 100% consent, plain and simple, but informed consent is one that is given willingly and freely by someone that is aware of what they are getting themselves into. They aren’t being forced, nor are they under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Consent in a BDSM relationship is on another level as you are not only involving penetration, but also stuff like name calling, spanking, choking, forced orgasms, and other acts that appear to be non-consensual. It's all about comfort, baby!

J is for...

Jockey Position

Why not throw a sexual position in this mix of kinky terminology? This one earns its name because it feels like you're riding a horse. One person lies down, the other lies on top. Easy. The person on the bottom could even flex their hips to aid the top with thrusting (which I can tell you is a win-win for everyone). You can also choose whatever speed you want!

K is for...

Kama Sutra

Referenced multiple times throughout movies and pop culture (think back to the very beginning of the second Austin Powers movie), the Kama sutra is an ancient Indian text containing 64 different sexual positions while saying that sex should be an enjoyable part of every day life. You can find many books on this as well as downloadable apps.

L is for...

Lubricant

If you think you have enough lube on, put more on. An essential in the bedroom, lubricant is the substance that makes insertion easy and painless. It’ll reduce friction and is basic to know when it comes to having a sexual experience. I mean, it’s not going to feel good if an erect penis is going into a dry vagina (ouch). And if you’re going solo, you’re probably not gonna want to give your genitals rug burn (also ouch).

M is for...

Masochism

You know when you feel any amount of pain and think to yourself damn that felt riveting? You were experiencing masochism. This is when you are sexually stimulated by pain. It can be overwhelming at first, especially if your partner is resistant to hurting you. Start slowly, and then work your way up. Maybe begin with light spanking before going to more painful methods such as caning or flogging. And PLEASE have a safe word set before getting into this. If something feels unpleasant, there needs to be a way for you to say that.

N is for...

Nipple torture

Any form of pain to the nipples and you are getting into: nipple torture. This can be done in a slew of ways such as pinching, piercing, using clothespins, or nipple clamps. You can also use different kinds of sensory play such as electrical and temperature. Because breasts are erogenous zones (sensitive to sexual stimulation), the feeling is pain mixed with pleasure.

O is for...

Orgasm Denial

This might seem counterproductive, but it can actually heighten the sensation through submission and obedience. Orgasm denial can happen in many different ways. The partner is brought just to the brink of orgasm, and then the other partner can immediately cease stimulation, change stimulation, restrain the submissive from being able to touch themselves, and using chastity devices such as cock cages and chastity belts. It sounds almost exactly like edging, except this is where a submissive is required to have permission to orgasm, which edging doesn't require.

P is for...

Punishment

A core principle of being a dominant is doling out punishment. This is one of the few things that Fifty Shades of Grey did get right about BDSM. A dominant requires their submissive to behave a certain way, and if the submissive breaks any of the rules, they are usually punished. The sky is the limit when it comes to methods of punishment. There’s physical, mental, and emotional. Physically you can spank, choke, slap, or pinch. These physical acts can also be carried out with tools such as riding crops, floggers, whips, chains, and canes.

Mental and emotional punishments involve removing a positive stimulus after wrongful behavior occurs so that way it is encouraged to not happen again (i.e. dominant will not engage in submissive's favorite permission). It may be up to the submissive to decide what level of punishment they are willing to tolerate, but the dominant is the one who gets to choose which punishment to carry out and how.

Q is for...

Queening

Visualize yourself sitting on a throne. Now imagine that throne is actually the face of your partner. This is commonly referred to as queening or face-sitting. It’s an easy way to allow oral stimulation. And if you’re really into this, you can purchase a queening chair. The seats on them are U-shaped and sit very low, which spreads your legs apart and gives your partner easy access for cunnilingus.

R is for...

Riding Crop

Originally these are meant for jockeys to use on horses, but somewhere along the way a dirty-minded human thought hey what if we used these on PEOPLE? Among the most popular accessories for kinky play, riding crops feature a comfy handle with a sturdy stick connecting it to a patch of leather at the end. Sometimes the ends have studs or spikes on them in order to enhance the pleasure.

S is for...

Safe word

This is crucial in order to stay within each others' boundaries at all times. You can pick whatever term that will best work for you, but you should always establish a safe word before starting a session. A popular system to go by is yellow to slow down, and red to stop. These work really well as they’re easy to remember, and can be visualized as a traffic light. Doing this will keep you and your partner safe and unharmed.

T is for...

Trust

Just as important as communication, trust is a fundamental thing that has GOT to be present in a BDSM relationship. Think about it, would you let someone spank, choke, and dominate you while naked if you didn’t trust them? Probably not. It's not something that's earned overnight and therefore it’s probably a good idea to get to know someone a little bit before letting them fulfill every single kinky fantasy of yours.

U is for...

Uniform Play

Oh nurse? I have a boo-boo. Uniform play is a type of roleplaying where you dress up in outfits typically worn by police officers, doctors, or other officials. This is definitely a way to add some variety in your BDSM life as you can pretend to be in a completely different world for a while.

V is for...

Voyeurism

You’ve more than likely experienced this in some way. Voyeurism refers to the enjoyment of watching others have sex. The term is derived from the French word “voyeur” which means “to see people”. For example, enjoyment of watching your partner undress or masturbate could make you a voyeur. Some husbands also enjoy watching their wives have sex with other people (hotwife), which is another example of voyeurism. The take-away is that although some are not as heavy into the term, it’s very likely that everyone has experienced being a voyeur at one point.

W is for...

Worship

This is when a body part of the dominant is revered by the submissive. The most common areas are the penis, vagina, and buttocks. If a submissive woman was interacting with a dominant male, she may decide to worship his penis by either sucking, licking, or kissing it. Or a submissive male could worship the dominant's vagina through oral servitude. Face sitting may also be practiced during this.

X is for...

Xenophilia

This is when you have an intense attraction to strangers or foreigners. It's important to distinguish this from xenophobia, which is prejudice against people from other countries. Remember, it's okay to have a preference, but not to discriminate against those from different cultures!

Y is for...

Yiffing

Scientifically speaking, yiffing is the sound arctic foxes are supposed to make when they mate. In the kink world however, yiffing refers to when two or more members of the furry community are having sexual relations. What does the fox say now?

Z is for...

Zapper

Finally, we have the zapper. Now everyone is different as far as what they are willing to tolerate, but one object I noticed in several scenes was this zapper toy. It's black and red with two tiny metal prongs at the end. A red button sits on the handle. One gentle press on that button, and the second those metal prongs touch a conductor, a small static shock is administered. When I very first tried this, I was definitely nervous. Then I realized most of the fear was inside of my head. The pain level is pretty much the same as getting a static shock, so it doesn't really hurt too much, but it can surprise you. It won't leave any marks, but will probably leave you on edge.

I have one of these zappers and although I haven't used it much, I do like it as it's been one of my most interesting kink purchases so far.

Conclusion

The most important things are to be respectful and safe when entering a BDSM relationship. It's only successful when both parties are enjoying themselves.

A Great Source I used

https://www.kinkly.com/