Sex and The City

Sex. Countless people have it daily, but who was actually ready for it their first time?

No one. That's right no one. My first time was horrible. I cried, bled and had a panic attack all in one. My partner at the time well, he laid down a towel. The entire time I kept pysching myself out. How could I do this? Would I be labeled as a slut? When my mom finds out what is she going to say? I was riddled with questions I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answers too, but I continued on. I lay on my back, remembering someone told me to arch it for maxium pleasure. I just remember collapsing the second he was in. I held my breath and choked back the pain. Tears were coming to my eyes, I couldn't hold it in any longer. I let out a whimper, pushed him off me, ran to his bathroom and cried. Never had I ever felt so low, so gross. Literally this boy I thought I was in love with laid down a towel and turned on Hellboy. That's right I lost my virginity to Hellboy. Every girl's dream. Not.

I remember feeling so helpless. At the time, I did not know that the boy was sleeping with two other people. That's right, people, not girls. I felt horrible. I just cried in his bathroom going into a full blown panic attack where I had to yell for help. I couldn't breath. Finally he manipulated the lock and opened the door. He came in for a hug, but then backed away and said, "I don't know what to do here." That's right. He said that, such a charmer right? I know I was a lucky girl in high school.

I couldn't believe this is how I was going to remember losing a piece of me. Sure a socially constructed piece of me, but the meaning was still there.

Years went by with this boy who I continually cried over, and could never sexually satisfy me. Until one day, I called everything off and slept with a close friend of mine. He changed how I viewed sex. I felt protected, empowered and natural. My close friend changed my outlook on sex, which took me to my next hookup.

He was tall, muscluar and handsome. Everything a twenty year old wants. But this adverture was short, started off strong, but ultimately he couldn't, you know, stay how he needed to be. But that was okay, I got to explore the world of someone actually wanting to be with me, and dealing with something perfectly natural that DID NOT make either of us feel bad about ourselves.

Sure, that was only one night, but a couple nights after that, I was able to meet the love of my life. Someone I wish to continue to have sex with the rest of my life. Every night with him was like excasty. Literally. I felt myself open up in ways I had no idea existed. I walked away from each sexual encounter feeling like a goddess. And now years later, I still feel that way, but more secure.

With my partner, I have gotten to explore various different sexual outlets without being judged. We try something together, we fail, then we pick a favorite of ours and go for it. But, if going through what I went through to get to where I am now, sexually. I would do it again.