Scarlett & Me

CHAPTER 1:

Scarlett’s letter arrived in my mailbox, and I opened it with a small amount of fear and trepidation. Since my separation, she was all I could think about, and I almost didn’t send her the note. The note read, “Scarlett, I wanted to see if you would spend the weekend of the 25th with me at the cabins on Lake Stephens?” And while I didn’t know what to expect, I knew this could fundamentally change my relationship with her … for good or bad.

Her response was delightful and filled me with joy. “I’ll be there with bells on!” I continued to refresh the response for nearly an hour, my heart thumping with excitement. Two weeks to wait. I had so much to do.

The time passed slowly, and I continued to get things for the weekend as it approached. Candles. Music especially selected for the moment. Scented oils. A new comforter to sit upon the dock as evening approached. Chocolates. Each item purchased or accumulated brought me closer to the 25th, my anxiety growing as well. What if she didn’t feel the same way? What if I came across too strong? What if, what if?

I never thought the 25th would arrive, but when it did, the day seemed to fly by. I couldn’t believe the anticipation I had, and every sound outside caused me an anticipatory excitement I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Finally, there was a knock at the door. I eagerly ran to the door like a small child on Christmas morning and opened it. Scarlett stood there, dressed in a green top and tan pants, impeccable as always. I never understood, but she was always like a breath of fresh air … and I always breathed her in like a man drowning every time she wasn’t looking. We had been friends forever, but every time I saw her I was filled with something incredible that I couldn’t put into words. I think I once described it as if she brought me to life a bit with her presence.

I realized that I was staring, and she was beginning to giggle, and so I invited her into the cabin. Dusk was quickly approaching, and I wanted to make it to the deck before it was too dark to see. She came into the living room, put down her bag, and then embraced me quickly. “So what do you have planned for us this weekend, Gabriel?”

I smiled broadly at her. “First, some gluten-free lemon bars. Would you care to accompany me to the deck for a snack and to watch the sunset?” She nodded, and I took her hand and led her out onto the deck. I motioned for her to sit on the comforter, and wordlessly I lit the candles. The wind was light, so I wasn’t worried about them going out or setting things on fire. I sat beside her, reached into the box I’d set there previously, and gave her one of my lemon bars. She ate carefully and then lay back against my chest.

“This is nice, Gabriel.”

“If you look over on the opposite side of the lake, the sun will soon disappear over the horizon. It’s a beautiful sight on a nice summer’s evening like this.” I leaned close to her and caught a hint of tropical soap and perfume I couldn’t place.

We sat quietly, watching the sun until it disappeared completely into the horizon. Then she turned to me and kissed me briefly. “This is nice. Secluded too.”

I pulled away just a bit, her lips just beyond my reach. “I wanted to bring you here to ... well, to pamper you like you so richly deserve to be.” My hand rested upon her face, and I lovingly stroked her cheek for a moment. “Lie back with me and look at the stars.”

She and I laid upon the comforter, her head resting against my chest. I reached into the box and hit the remote for the cd player I’d placed upon the table. Then I watched for her reaction as the music started to play, music that I’d chosen for this moment, music that I’d covered just for her. “I hope this is alright with you, my dear.”

Scarlett just nodded, and the music seemed to gently waft from song to song for the next hour. Several times I noted that she napped against me, then awakened gently before nodding off again. Finally, the music ended, and I just stroked her hair and she rested. Carefully I moved my hands against her head, trying desperately not to awaken her until I was aware that she’d fallen asleep soundly. I was falling asleep too, but awoke with a start as she moved.

“Gabriel?” Her voice was soft, almost plaintive, a whisper I had to listen intently to hear. “Will you sing to me?” Her hand reached up and moved mine from her head. “Please?”

I sang softly the lyrics from the first song I’d chosen. ‘You Belong To Me.’ When I finished, she leaned in and kissed me with a hint of passion.

“Thank you! Your voice is beautiful, and I really felt wonderful listening to you. I was wondering … what comes next?”

I smiled at her, and carefully caressed the outside of her right hand. “At some point, I’m going to ask you to make love with me. But for now, we’ll just watch the moonrise over the trees. And you look tense … would you mind if I gave you a massage? I have some scented oils warming in the other room?”

Scarlett smiled broadly. “I would love that!”

I stood and went inside the cabin, retrieved the oils, and came back to the deck. Scarlett had removed her top and pants and was lying face-down on the comforter in just her underwear and bra. I sat back down beside her and applied some of the oil to her back. Then I gently and slowly gave her a massage, spending time on her shoulders, her back, and her legs.

I was so into the massage that I almost missed her quietly sobbing. When I noticed, I immediately stopped and lay beside her. “Scarlett? What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

She stopped crying for a moment. “I expected you to make a pass at me. But you haven’t. Your touch is gently, soothing, and very loving. I rarely get touched like that.”

I cautiously stroked her cheek. “I told you I wanted to make love with you. This is part of that. Sex is just about release and feeling good in that moment. Making love with you is something I’ve waited a lifetime to do with you. I’m not going to spoil it. I’m going to savor it.”

I stood up and gently took Scarlett’s hand. “Come inside with me. Please?” She rose and wordlessly entered the cabin behind me. I took a seat in the oversized rocker, and beckoned her to sit in my lap, her body resting in my arms. I noticed as she rested against me how the full moon bathed her angelically, her body illuminated from the light shining into the window. Then I turned her face towards me and slowly began to kiss her. My hands were still slick from the oil and caressing her as we kissed was easy to do. For nearly an hour, I caressed her body in a sensual but not sexual way, feeling her body relax against me. Then I carefully began to caress her hair with my left hand as my right hand began to explore her body in a much more erotic fashion. Her breasts were soft and supple as I felt them through the bra. Finally, I slipped my hand inside her underwear. She was responsive to my touch, and as she began to eagerly move against my finger, I began to kiss her a bit more passionately. Her body was becoming more tense, and as I opened her inner lips to touch her intimately, she sighed and leaned into me more.  I stroked her gently yet purposefully, wanting to feel her release against me.

Her body grew more tense, her breathing escalated and heavy, my fingers wet against her. Gradually she started to moan, and I realized she was beginning to come in a pinnacle of pleasure that was very intense. Then her breathing calmed, her body relaxing.

“That was … incredible.” She smiled and kissed me quickly. “What are we going to do for you?”

I smiled and began to caress Scarlett’s face again. “Nothing. We are going to stay entwined against one another for a while. That’s what would make me happy.” I touched her nose quickly and said, “Boop!”

She laughed, then snuggled into my arms. She fell asleep quickly, her breathing slow and deep. I fell asleep too and dreamed the dreams of one totally at peace.

CHAPTER 2:

I awoke before dawn to Scarlett snoring quietly, still sitting in my lap. I could see the first color appearing on the horizon, so I gently kissed her cheek and started to caress her stomach with my hand. She didn’t stir, so again I slipped my hand into the waistband of her underwear. I opened her lips slightly and began to very softly caress her. Soon her body began to respond to my touch, and as soon as I slid a finger inside her, she began to awaken.

“Good morning,” she whispered. She leaned slightly to kiss me, and I kissed her back before pulling away from her far enough to look into her eyes. Her gaze was steady upon me, and she looked a bit confused.

“Good morning, love. Just enjoy.”

Scarlett smiled, then rested her head against my shoulder. My touch never wavered, slow and steady against her, and it wasn’t long before her excitement reached a fever pitch. She started to close her eyes, and I quietly cleared my throat. She opened her eyes again, almost surprised at first.

“Just … look at me.”

She nodded.

I began to softly increase the pressure of my fingers again her. “I want … no, I need you to come, Scarlett.” I continued to touch her. “And I want to look into your eyes as you do. I want you to watch me as your body responds to my touch,” I said. “And when you do come, I want you to know exactly what I am thinking, what I am feeling, and what I am doing with you.”

She whimpered softly in acquiescence, then began to gently bite her lip in anticipation. “I have loved you, in some way and form, from the moment I met you.” My touch grew stronger against her as I continued. “I want to give you this gift of pleasure, something you can remember for the rest of your life. Not because I won’t be with you. Not because you won’t experience more with me. Because I love you, and this is what you deserve, my love. You deserve everything wonderful life has to offer. And I want to spend my time this weekend giving you these things.”

Scarlett’s body shuddered suddenly, and we gazed into each other’s eyes as she came. Then just as suddenly, her eyes welled with tears and she began to sob. I carefully moved my hand from her pelvis to her shoulder and pulled her against me. I held her tightly and kissed the top of her head as I whispered soft, barely audible words of comfort to her. After several minutes, her crying subsided.

“Gabriel, no one has ever … ever touched me like this. I feel special, I feel satisfied, but most importantly I feel loved.”

I giggled softly. “That’s how you are supposed to feel.”

“No. I have never felt anything like this. How … why …?”

I nodded. “I understand. Probably better than you realize. And I’ll explain more later. But first, would you care to join me in the shower followed by a delicious, and nutritious, breakfast? Not whilst showering, mind you.”

Scarlett laughed. “I would love to.”

We stood, one after the other, and made our way into the bathroom. I watched carefully as she undressed, then slowly began to undress as well. She rubbed my chest for a moment, then turned and began to adjust the shower knobs. When the water was sufficiently warm, she and I stepped into the shower. The next twenty minutes were filled with laughter, flirting, and more than a few seductive touches. When we finished, we dried off, put on towels, and went to the kitchen. I told her to sit, and I made us breakfast – eggs with hash browns, orange juice, and gluten-free toast.

“I might have been wrong on the nutritious part just a bit.” I laughed, then took the plates to the kitchen, washed them off, and placed them in the small dishwasher.

“So! What might you like to do today?”

Scarlett smiled, one of those smiles that always made me catch my breath when I saw it. “It’s your weekend, darling. Why don’t you tell me what we are going to do?”

And tell her I did … three hours later, we were dressed and paddle-boating in the middle of the lake. I had a small cd player with us, and I started by playing a song from The Hu. Scarlett listened for just a moment, then casually remarked. “Gabriel?”

“Yes,” I said.

“What in the hell are we listening to?” She laughed as she said it, and I instantly knew her comment wasn’t meant as anything but genuine curiosity.

“This is a group out of Mongolia. I love them!”

“I’ve never heard of them! I don’t understand the language, but they have an interesting style.”

I smiled. “I don’t understand them either, but I too like the style.” I nodded towards the backpack I’d brought which sat between us. “I could get something else for us to listen to, if you’d rather?”

Scarlett took my hand and shook her head. “No. This is perfect.”

We continued to paddle towards the other side of the lake. The sun was starting to heat things up, and I could feel a small bead of sweat on my brow. We paddled towards a shaded area of the lake, then stopped to enjoy a brief respite from the sun.

“Scarlett?”

“Yes?”

“I don’t suppose you brought any water for us to drink, did you?”

She laughed, a genuine belly laugh. “No, sweetheart I didn’t. Do you want to go back?”

“Yes.”

So back to the boathouse we paddled. We gathered our stuff from the paddleboat and walked hand-in-hand back to the cabin. We entered the cabin, placed our stuff down, and I made us two large glasses of ice water. Then we sat down on the small couch. We drank our water in silence. It was not an  uncomfortable silence. Rather, it was the silence that comes when one enjoys the mere presence of another. Finally, I looked at Scarlett.

“There is something I’ve wanted to do since I saw you yesterday. Would you mind?”

Scarlett nodded, then quietly said, “What do you want to do?”

I stood, took her hand, and led her to the bedroom. I asked her to disrobe, which she did. Naked, she was so beautiful, so vulnerable. I motioned her back onto the bed, then lay beside her. I started kissing her neck, then worked my way to her breasts. I suckled her for a few as my hand caressed her face, then I went slowly down her belly with my tongue. When I reached her hips, she grabbed my head determinedly, and I started to kiss her and lick her. I could taste how excited she was, and it didn’t take long before she came against my face as she held onto me with a strong grip. Finally, the excitement waned for her, and she told me to lie beside her.

“I want to do something for you.”

“Not yet.”

My words surprised her, and she looked at me. “Don’t you want … well, me?” Her voice was a little pensive, almost surprised.

“I do want you. And there will be plenty of time for that. But for the near future, I want to focus on you first.”

“Well, then … you have to do something for me, Gabe.”

I looked directly at Scarlett. She had to know I’d do anything she asked. “What is it, my love?”

She smiled. “Take a nap with me?”

And we did.

CHAPTER 3:

When we awakened from our nap, it was late in the afternoon. I knew she would be hungry, so I went to the kitchen and made pork cutlets with mashed potatoes and steamed green beans. She and I were both quiet during dinner, and while our previous silence was comfortable, this seemed different. It was as if there was a big white elephant in the dining room as we ate that neither of us wanted to mention. I finished dinner, and after she had finished, cleaned up and took care of the dishes. Scarlett sat in the living room and just watched me. Finally, I finished, went to the couch, and sat beside her before starting to speak whilst staring out at the water.

“You know how much trouble I have had in my marriages, and I think it’s time to tell you some of what happened so you know what I’ve done, gone through, and experienced. JanMarie and I have been married a long time, and while the first part of the marriage was tumultuous, the second part of the marriage was just the opposite. When we first started our marriage, I was completely out of control. Our marriage devolved into nothing but pain, violence, and fear. She was so unpredictable, so violent, and I was not much better. I had a raging addiction to sex, and a mental illness that I hadn’t addressed.”

I stopped for a brief moment to breathe. I was calm on the outside, but inside was wracked with emotion. I was scared, but I wasn’t sure why.

“It was awful. My relationship was very violent … she hit me with a frying pan, tried to kill my dog, and threatened to kill my son. I had walked out of the proverbial frying pan into the fire, so to speak. JanMarie … she knew what buttons to push, and she wasn’t afraid to push them. I finally started calling the police, and after she realized that I wasn’t going to put up with being hit, she stopped being violent. I went on medication and started talking about being abused to my therapist, and gradually realized that I needed to get sober from my addiction. Thankfully, I have been for almost ten years. Which is where the last five years comes into play.”

Scarlett took my hand. It was comforting. I continued.

“She and I stopped being intimate, and while we were continuing to have sex almost nightly, there was a complete lack of intimacy in the act. JanMarie worked hard to alienate me from my family and friends and my son. Before my dad died, he asked me why I felt like I had to report into her when I was visiting. I told him that it was because I’d been so out of control, but it wasn’t just that. She had tried to make me believe that my family was covering for me, and that I wasn’t being honest about what I was doing. In fact, it was furthest from the truth. I had no interest in having relations with anyone, because I felt as if I didn’t deserve love.”

A single tear fell from my eye, and I reached up with my free hand to wipe it away. “I also was questioning my own sexuality. I kept thinking that if I didn’t want to have sex with my wife, it must be because I was gay. I started talking about it with other people, and everything I was told seemed to correlate with that viewpoint. Truth was, I wanted to believe that I was gay because it seemed to explain so much about my childhood and relationships with others. I finally realized that I was not gay, but rather fell under the queer moniker. It’s like this – I enjoy gay culture, gay mannerisms, even have fantasy sex with some actors, comedians, and politicians I have found attractive over the years. But the idea of actually having a relationship with another man is something I cannot fathom. And the reason is simple. While I like male traits in my relationship, I want and need a relationship with a woman. I’m not wanting a relationship with a man. And my confusion was helped along with JanMarie telling me every single day that I was gay and just needed to admit it.”

Scarlett looked at me carefully. I took my free hand and put it over hers. “See, the relationship had reached a … I don’t know … stalemate, maybe? She kept telling me how my son was using me, my sister and her husband were trying to drive a wedge between us, how my mother was controlling. I believed it because I didn’t know what else to believe. I finally understood that I was also demi sexual … meaning that I didn’t want to have sex unless I had a strong connection, even love, with the person. And when I started to realize that I did deserve love, my strong affinity and pride in being sober kicked in. I wasn’t going to sleep with just anyone. And after a while, I was afraid to sleep with anyone. I wasn’t in shape, I wasn’t practiced like I had been when I was younger, and ….”

My words hung in the air as I started to cry softly. “I’m afraid. In fact, I’m terrified about what might happen with you. I don’t want to be hurt. I don’t want you to think I’m just interested in sex. But I also don’t want you thinking that I’m expecting anything you aren’t prepared to give. And I don’t want to be seen in the same light as the person I was.”

Scarlett took her free hand and placed it to my lips. Wordless now, I slowly leaned onto her shoulder and cried for several minutes before stopping. I couldn’t breathe through my nose, and when I pulled back up I realized what a frightful sight I must be. I looked at her, her beautiful eyes gazing directly into my soul.

“So. That’s it in a nutshell. You must think I’m nuts.”

Scarlett leaned in and kissed me softly. Her lips were soft against mine, and with her right arm she pulled me close to her. I could feel her breasts against me, and I started to become aroused. She pressed against me and pushed me back until I was lying on the couch. She stood, removed her clothes, then told me to undress.  I did, and she motioned for me to follow her to the bed. I laid back onto the bed, and she got on top of me. She guided me inside her with her hand, and then put her hands on my chest. We both made love to the other, and when I came she held onto me tightly. Finally, she moved to lie against my chest.

“I don’t know what to say about what you said, except that it was filled with courage and honesty,” she murmured. “But I do know that, at this very moment, I am right where I want to be. I cannot promise anything to you, and I don’t expect you to promise anything to me. But right now, I feel loved. I feel adored. I feel safe. And I hope you do too.”

I nodded. “You know how I feel. Part of loving you involves wanting to make you happy.”

The sun started to quickly drop beneath the horizon, and I was aware that the room was getting dark. “Do you want me to turn on the lights?”

Scarlett shook her head. “No. I want to lie here and watch the moon rise. And then I want to make love with you again.”

I smiled. “I would like that too.”

Scarlett snuggled against me, her hand gently caressing my face. We stayed like that until the moon rose over the lake. Then I kissed her, a kiss with both promise and trepidation.

CHAPTER 4:

I did the unthinkable – I fell asleep whilst we kissed. When I awoke, it was late. I didn’t exactly know the time, but I could tell it was late by the absolute quiet outside of the cabin. It took a moment, but I realized that Scarlett was no longer in the bed with me. A brief moment of panic ensued, and then I realized she was simply taking a shower.

I walked over to the bathroom and quietly announced myself. She startled, and for a moment I thought she might yell in fear. But she didn’t, and a moment after things settled, I opened the curtain. The light of the moon ensconced everything in a dim, white glow, and I visibly breathed in when I saw her underneath the gentle rhythm of the water from the showerhead. She was beyond beautiful, real and womanly, regal yet somehow one of the masses. Her skin was beautiful to me – I could almost trace her stretch marks with my eyes closed. Her breasts were full and supple, and her hair almost glowing in the pale moonlight. This woman standing under the water was everything a man could, and should, want.

I must have been staring longer than I intended. “Gabriel? Did you get an eyeful?”

I laughed. “No, love … just ….” I fumbled for the right words. “Just enjoying one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever laid eyes upon.”

She snorted. “You are full of it, Gabe … but I’m glad you enjoyed the view. Care to join me in the shower?

I certainly couldn’t turn that offer down. I pulled back the curtain and got back in the shower. We bathed each other playfully, taking every opportunity to touch the other in an erotic and sensual nature. We kissed passionately from time to time, and when the water finally started to turn lukewarm, we hurriedly washed the soap from our bodies and exited the shower. We dried the other off and then made our way back to the bed.

I kissed her deeply for a bit, then pulled away.

“I want to savor this moment,” I said.

Scarlett nodded wordlessly.

I gazed intently up and down her body. Her greyish hair looked almost translucent in the light from outside. I took my hand and began to trace her face with my fingers, looking intently into her eyes as I did so. Then, gradually, I moved my hand over her shoulder and down her right arm before moving my hand up and over her shoulder and down on her chest onto her breast. My touch was soft and light as I began to circle her nipple with my forefinger, and I could feel the bumps on her areola tighten up as she began to breathe just a bit more quickly.

“I want to remember this night for the rest of my life. I want to be able to close my eyes and instantly see your eyes looking back at me. I want to remember what you felt like as I guided my hand over you. I want to remember every sound you made, how you smelled, everything.” I took my hand and started to caress her stomach. “I want to remember every little detail about your body.”

I leaned forward and kissed her quickly, then moved onto the bed to lie between her legs. She closed her eyes as I started to kiss her toes and feet, and then as I started to playfully kiss her legs and knees, I moved my hand so that I could part her lips and begin to slowly caress her. I continued up her legs, and probably a bit more quickly than I should have, replaced my fingers with my tongue.

Scarlett sighed and moved her legs further apart to allow me better access to her most intimate area. I began to lick and suckle on her, and as I did I moved my hands to her buttocks to better be able to taste  her. Then, with the moisture both of us had contributed running down onto my right wrist, I moved one hand to lubricate my finger and carefully, slowly and determinedly, entered her ass with it.

I could tell she was both shocked and aroused, so as my tongue circled her clitoris, I began to slowly press inside her with my finger. Nothing hard or deep, just a soft and insistent pressure inside her. I continued this approach until she came against my face in one long and overwhelming wave of pleasure. Then I pulled away and moved on top of her.

My erection was full on, and as I slid inside her I took my left hand and started to caress her face. My movements inside her were slow and deliberate, and as we made love I kept the pace steady. My eyes were gazing into Scarlett’s, and right before I started to come, she whispered to me. “Come for me.”

My orgasm was intense, and I tugged slightly at the hair on her head before it was over. When I finished, I kissed her neck and then lay beside her.

“Gabriel. I want to tell you how beautiful you’ve made me feel, how loved. I have never felt so loved, so needed, so … womanly.”

“I’m glad,” I said as I lay against her.

“It’s almost dawn, I think. And as much as I don’t want to do this, I need to go. I need to ….”

“Decompress?”

“Yes. I need to tell you that I love you. I have always loved you in one way or another, and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life. But I feel overwhelmed now.”

I nodded. “It’s okay, Scarlett. I told you once that time was a gift I could give. In many ways it’s the most precious of gifts I can give. And so you know, I love you too. Take all the time you need. I’ll wait for you patiently.”

Scarlett nodded, then arose and began to dress. When she finished, she gathered her stuff, kissed me softly on the lips, then walked out the door.

Chapter 5

The next several weeks were some of the hardest weeks I had ever experienced. Periods of happiness followed by deep spells of loneliness tinged with depression. Scarlett hadn’t responded to my texts or my emails, and I was starting to get concerned. Had I come across too strong? Had I told her too much? All I knew was that my days stretched into weeks, and my nights stretched inexorably into one long, troubling nightmare.

It was around midnight when I was awakened by another nightmare. I made my way to the kitchen to make myself some tea when my phone beeped to signal that I had a text. Quickly I opened my phone, and there it was - a response from Scarlett.

"Gabriel. I am so sorry that I have been so distant. There is a legitimate reason for it, but I won't go into it via text. Can you come see me this weekend so I can explain? Love, me."

I sat down in my living room, in my leather chair, and carefully read the text three or four times. It was cryptic, but also heartwarming for a moment. As I began to think about it, I realized that this didn't mean that she wanted a relationship. It could easily be that she wanted to tell me in person that she didn’t want me that way. It could mean she wasn't ready for a relationship. For the first time in a very long time I felt fear.

I drifted off to sleep thinking about my options. When I awakened, I picked up my phone and texted her a thumbs up. It was Thursday morning. I had one day to get ready to see her.

Chapter 6

The drive to Scarlett's house is about four hours from mine, so I had plenty of time to think about what she could possibly have to say. Unfortunately for me, thinking was the last thing I wanted to do. Will she, won’t she, may I, may I not … the simple fact was this - I wanted her. The simple question for her was - did she want me as well.

When I arrived at her condo, I parked my car and turned off the key. After sitting for a few minutes, I opened the door, grabbed my things, and walked to her door. When she opened the door, I was surprised at how pale she appeared, as well as the fact she was wearing an orange hoodie tightly pulled around her face. Weakly, she squealed for a second, then threw her arms around me. After inviting me inside, I put my stuff in the hall. Then I turned my full attention to Scarlett. She looked gaunt, tired, almost weak. Whatever she had been up to over the past weeks, it wasn't kind to her.

She sat down on the couch and motioned for me to join her. I sat so I could look at her, but when I started to talk, she put her finger to my mouth. Then, while watching me intently, she slowly pulled the strings to her hoodie. With one quick motion, she pulled it back so I could see her face and hair. At least, what was left of her hair. Small wisps of hair remained upon the top of her head, but most of her scalp was completely smooth. Utterly confused, I gazed at her for a few seconds.

"Well! That's one way to stay cooler this summer.” I smiled and put my hand on her cheek. “What’s happened, love? Does this have to do with why you have been so withdrawn for the past couple of weeks?"  I moved my hand to caress the top of her head. It felt almost exactly the same as my shaved head. It was at this point that I realized she was crying, so I moved my hand from her scalp, caressed her cheek again, then leaned forward and kissed her softly.

"I don't know where to begin, honestly," she said softly.

I nodded and continued to caress her face. Whatever I felt like saying, it was not as important as what she was struggling to tell me.

"The weekend I came down to be with you, I wasn’t completely forthcoming with you. See, I was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer that very morning. I didn't want to ruin the wonderful weekend you had planned for us. But after that beautiful Saturday, after we had made love, I was overwhelmed. I felt so close to you, and loved by you … My God, so much love … I didn't know how to handle it. So, I did what I do to save myself - I withdrew. and then I convinced myself that you couldn't love someone who had this much wrong with them. But everything I tried to do to distance myself backfired. So, I texted you to see if you still wanted me.”

I wasn't sure what to say, and I've been told I talk too much, so I figured being quiet was the best course of action. I did, however, want her to know I was listening. I took my right hand and moved it on top of hers. I squeezed it gently, then nodded and continued talking.

"I know how unfair I have been. I know I should have said something at the very beginning. I hope you can understand why I said nothing. And now that things are so up in the air, both with the chemotherapy and cancer in several, I can just say that I … I’m terrified. I don't know that I can do it alone. But I also cannot ask you to join me in this train wreck. I … I ….”

I moved both of my hands to her face, leaned forward, and kissed her softly. “Scarlett. My love. You are not alone in this fight. I am going nowhere.”  I kissed her again, this time punctuated by softly whispering 'nowhere' before each kiss.

She kissed me passionately, her hands to my face. Each kiss was more intense, more passionate, while also being insecure and a bit unsure. I took my hands and helped her remove her clothes before taking mine off. In some primal sense I could not even begin to understand, I knew she needed to feel loved as well as womanly and feminine. She pulled my hips to hers, grinding against me until I got hard, at which point I slid inside her. She made love this time with reckless abandon, her nails digging deep into my back, biting my shoulder hard until I winced, at which point she would stop for a brief moment, then began biting someplace else. And when I came, her body shook and trembled in a primal sense that I felt in my very core. Then the flood gates opened as she cried, her body pressed completely against me, muttering softly against my shoulder.

When she started to relax, I moved beside her and gently helped her to lie down against me. Within a minute, she fell asleep. Relaxed now, her breathing was low and soft. I continued to caress her shoulder until I fell asleep as well.

Chapter 7

I wish I could say everything that weekend was wonderful and blissful. I wish I could say I left that weekend with a good understanding of what was going through her mind, but I can’t. While we spent a great deal of the weekend just holding each other, by Sunday I knew I needed to give her some space. So early Sunday morning, I decided that I needed to tell her some things that were unspoken between us. I thought about the best way to tell her, and finally decided to write her a letter. The letter read, ‘My dearest Scarlett. I don't know why I feel the need to tell you these things right now, but I must. I love you. I think I have loved you since the day I first saw you. I also know I was a terrible person at first, but you stuck by me until I got my shit together. So I just wanted to say thank you for loving me. I never deserved such love, such devotion, such support. You told me once that there was only a handful of people you trusted implicitly besides your dad and mom. I feel so damned lucky knowing I am one of them. Now you go kick cancer's ass, and I will be at your side in every way, shape, and form from now until eternity.’ I stuck the note into her purse, then gently awakened her. I made her breakfast, then packed my clothes into my car. I kissed her goodbye, then drove the four hour’s drive home. I texted her to let her know I'd made it home, and then took a benadryl and went to sleep for a while.

I didn’t hear anything from her on Monday, and on Tuesday morning I received a text from her. She wrote, "I had to go to the hospital yesterday, and I am still here today. I will write more later. All I want to do is rest, and I pass my time just watching the clock. I love you." I texted her back almost immediately, told her I loved her too, and to message me whenever she felt like it.

It was about 3am the next day that I learned she had died. I don’t really remember much over the next couple of days. Well, I do remember being grief-stricken. When her dad told me over the phone that Scarlett kept the letter in her hands the last day of her life, open like some sort of talisman seeking a miracle, I cried. I think I knew she was going to lose the war against cancer, but I didn’t believe the end would come so quickly. I just, unfortunately, was caught off guard.

So today I tell this story for two reasons. One is to keep her ‘alive’ another day. The other is to keep me alive another day. I’ve never loved someone this way before, and I don’t want to lose it. I think that I will be in love with her forever. And for that, I am eternally grateful.