Paranormal Pornstars Review

While scrolling through “TV shows we think you’ll like” on Prime Video, I did a double-take when I saw the title “Paranormal Pornstars”. Could this really be the ghost hunting reality show I’ve been waiting for? Having amassed quite the void since my beloved SyFy series Ghost Hunters finally came to an end in 2016, I was hopeful for Amazon’s recommendation. For those unfamiliar with the docuseries, it was a paranormal reality show that followed two plumbers who’s personal experiences with the afterlife triggered their moonlighting as ghostbusters. After recounting unexplainable phenomena, clients across the US would invite best friends Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson, along with their infamous team, to spend the night on their property. Setting up top of the line equipment, TAPS (the Atlantic Paranormal Society) would conduct various tests throughout the night. Aiming to debunk these frivolous claims with reasonable explanations, the team would sometimes capture evidence that actually supported them. The groundbreaking series became a hit, granting paranormal investigation the credibility it previously lacked. As is the case with most reality television, as the seasons dragged on the legitimacy of the show wore thin. Catering to the ratings, the evidence began to seem fabricated, and petty fights between cast-mates eventually took the spotlight. Even with the added drama, after 230 plus episodes the content began to stale. Instead of letting the show die with dignity, producers of course attempted a few spin-offs like “Ghost Hunters International”, that were never as good or successful.

After reading the similar overview, it seemed like a real possibility that this could be a sexy reboot of my favorite forgotten show. Claiming to be driven by “terrifying” events that happened at their studio, an unlikely rag-tag team of adult entertainers set out on a quest to answer the age old question. Is there life after death? It’s a question who’s answer has eluded and mystified humanity since the dawn of time. Fully ready to trade Mario and Luigi in for some heavily-tattooed Suicide Girl sex gods, I hunkered down for some serious binge watching action.

As it turns out, the show’s description “limited series” refers to more than just the number of episodes. Although I hoped as much, I didn’t actually expect that it was going to compete with Ghost Hunters. Knowing nothing will ever be as good as my “first”, I was left disappointed all the same. Allegedly taking place in random haunted locations, a couple slags attempt to make contact with spirits through the conventional methods employed in almost every ghost hunting show. Spirit boxes, EVP sessions (Electronic voice phenomenon), and EMF (electromagnetic field) meters were among the ones utilized. When the fancy technology doesn’t illicit a great enough response, they decide to regroup and play to their strengths. Assuming the ghosts are perverts (because why not?), the girls ask, “do you want to see my tits?” Which is met with the staticky reply “tits”. Being all the affirmation they need, the girls continue to taunt “if I show you my tits will you show me a sign?”. Being rated 18+ in a show called “Paranormal Pornstars” if you’re like me, you’re anticipating to see some nudity. Wrong. As they flirtatiously flash the “ghosts” (arguably just the cameraman), their used up fake breasts are censored from the viewers. It’s a shame because the terrible acting coupled with the atrocious sound quality leaves something to be desired.

Randomly words like “bangs” or “knocking” will appear on the screen from time to time, yet the only evidence of these noises are the captions telling you there’s a sound happening. Even during scenes where footage is replayed with a banner at the top of the screen claiming “enhanced audio”, I couldn’t hear a thing. Instead, one is forced to rely on the subtitles provided to ascertain what the inaudible “disembodied voices” coming through the spirit box are saying. I wish the limey bastards provided captions throughout the entire show like they did with Don Vito in “Viva La BAM”. That way I could decipher some of their nonsensical Cockney gibberish. A few episodes in the narrator at least has the decency to apologize for the poor audio quality.

Visually, “Paranormal Pornstars” is reminiscent of “The Blair Witch Project”. The grainy night vision shots look as though there were filmed by Michael J. Foxx on an outdated flip phone. If that’s not enough to make you hurl, there are many frames with what I can only describe as “unfortunate angles”. Enticing as the title is I was surprised to discover the only intimate part of a person I would be seeing would be the inside of a pornstar’s deviated, cocaine-lined nostrils. Bamboozled again. At some junctions it was hard to know who was hunting who, as the camera is almost always zoomed in on an expressionless “deer in headlights” reflective stare from one of the moronic girls “investigating”. On the rare occasion the cameraman panned out, it was usually to shakily capture one of Bambi’s unconvincing meltdowns as she swore she could “totally feel entities all around her”. Considering an adult film star’s line of work relies heavily on their ability to conjure up over-the-top reactions to “being touched”, her dramatic performances left me dubious. Better stick to faking orgasms there little lady. Tediously alternating between incredulous disbelief and feigned terror for the majority of every episode, even the ghosts grew tired of these washed-up entertainer’s antics. Prompting them to “leave” and “please go“, I could not agreed more.

The takeaway? The 3.1/5 star rating on Amazon is very generous. Unless one of your kinks is to be repeatedly let down by lackluster, underperforming amateur pornstars, this isn’t for you. I suggest subscribing to an Onlyfans account before tuning into this monstrosity. At least then there’d be some action. After enduring all that I possibly could stand of the 6 episodes, I was curious to see what others thought about it. Needless to say the reviews on Amazon were far more entertaining than the show itself. “This show is just Ghost Hunters for creepy dudes that live in their mom's basements to jack off too bc there are clothed porn stars in it”-Douglas N Baker III. “Please avoid this, for your own sanity. I really do care about you” -SEB. “Would be slightly better than watching a blank VHS tape in a broken VCR. But only a little”-Crypto. And my personal favorite “no porn 0/10”-Dave Palm. I look forward to adding my own review, “the audio and visual quality was so atrocious, even Helen Keller couldn’t sit through it.”