Online Dating Pet Peeve

Nearly a decade ago, I went through a divorce and started dating for the first time as an adult. When friends suggested I write about my experiences, I started a blog. I have been "revisiting" some of my former exploits lately, and decided to share, using my real name, for the first time.

This piece was first published in March, 2013. Edits have been made for clarity and continuity.

Online dating is weird. You put yourself out there for potential suitors to evaluate and hope that some folks find your pitch to be to their liking. It’s always a challenge trying to decide what to say, which photos to use, how much to share up front.

I like to be clear about what I’m looking for, and honest about who I am. I don’t understand people that post deliberately misleading photos. What’s the point of showing out-of-date, heavily filtered, and photoshopped pictures? Is the expectation that you can “fool” someone into meeting and hope that they will be so taken with you that they will ignore the fact that you were shady in the first place? I post a variety of very real pictures of myself. Here’s my full body – I’m fat. Here’s my unpainted and unfiltered face. It is not perfect. I would much prefer that a potential partner actually see me and like me, then to feel that I hoodwinked them. I have had several suitors meet me and express how I am “even better in person.” Yes! I want you to be delighted, not disappointed!

So fellas, go ahead and show that dad bod. Take your hat off and show us your head – whether or not you have hair. Smile so we know if you have teeth. Put down the fish. (What is the deal with posing with fish in your dating profile photos anyway?!? I don’t want to see your fish. I want to see your boat. Or show me how you cooked the fish!)

I also like people who can read. It’s a real turn-on. I put a lot of thought into what I wanted to say in my profile, so please read it. Read my explanation that friends with benefits requires friendship. Read that I will not consider having more kids. Read that I am not monogamous and have no plans to “settle down” and be exclusive with anyone. Understand that. Please don’t spam me with a message about marriage and children. It shows that you are just carpet-bombing and not paying attention to the person that you are trying to woo.

Another pet peeve I have is realistic expectations. People who are looking for actual relationships with real people need to be open to dating people their own age and body type. Otherwise, you might as well just pay a professional. Treating someone like a prostitute without paying them is just rude.

Example:

I was reading the dating profile of a bigger guy today. Some might call him fat. He certainly had a belly and an extra chin, but I like a teddy bear type generally. Then I read the part where he says what he’s looking for in a woman and he says “I am looking for a girl who is skinny and in shape. Just being honest with myself and with you about what I like.” Ugh. Two things: don’t say you’re looking for a “girl,” creeper. Similarly, don’t set your age guidelines from 18-37 if you are 45. Unless you’re Hugh freaking Heffner and are going to set someone up at “the mansion” then you need to get real!

Seriously, you hypocritical fat tub of goo: you say that you are looking for someone “who will accept me for who I am” but who you are eats too many nachos and triple cheeseburgers, but still has the stones to say that curvy women need not apply? Go piss up a rope.

Lastly, I am the queen of honest. I’ll give it to you as straight as anyone and even try to be kind about it, but I find that saying “I’m just being honest” is a lame way of expressing prejudice.

I prefer an independently wealthy, emotionally balanced underwear model who loves to eat pussy and has a thick, 10″ cock. Just being honest.